title:_________________.
thought when you said it was over
I could let you go and move on
But I guess I was wrong
I cant seem to stop thinking about you
And those stupid love songs
And simple things
Always remind me of you
And what I use to have.
And what we use to be.
Basically I cant get over you.
And I wish I could.
because i know there could never be another 'us'
2007-08-11 16:43:56 · 15 answers · asked by mee. 1 in Arts & Humanities ➔ Poetry
Meh. It's all right. But put more into it. It is straight to the point and pithy I see. But I feel it can be better written if you put more time and effort into it. Keep it still, but go back to it the next day and reread it, see if it still sounds good and put more into it. Put a build up and some feeling and emotion into it; instead of a straightforward emotional straight line to the finish. And lose the repetitive use of "And" at the beginnings. For a title I see you have blank so how this sound:
Memories of a Once Broken Heart
2007-08-11 17:04:37 · answer #1 · answered by Fallen 6 · 1⤊ 1⤋
It reads like a paragraph more than a poem...
Thought when you said it was over I could let you go and move on, but I guess I was wrong. I cant seem to stop thinking bout you, and those stupid love songs, and simple things always remind me of you and what I use to have and what we use to be. Basically I cant get over you, and I wish I could, because i know there could never be another 'us'.
2007-08-11 17:17:49 · answer #2 · answered by Teaim 6 · 0⤊ 1⤋
It was all right. The 'basically' in the 10th line really threw off the feel of it, and the same thing was repeated in ways that could have been different. It does convey your feeling really well, though. It was good, but could be better.
2007-08-11 16:51:35 · answer #3 · answered by energetikid 1 · 0⤊ 1⤋
its g00d purely complicated...4 a min there i had theory u had made a mistake via mixing up the king and the decide... i became regularly like....huh??? until eventually i've got been given to the top.... regardless of the undeniable fact that it became 0k... wish i helped and didnt offend u =] P.S a masterpiece develop extra advantageous with artwork
2016-10-02 03:37:34 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
you should change use to used, twice misspelled, your poem is very sad and it shows your pain. Watch some funny movies on television, call your friends, enjoy life. Everybody has faced loss in their life, go on with your life and just remember the future will be better then the past. Good Luck.
2007-08-11 16:50:25 · answer #5 · answered by mahli 2 · 1⤊ 1⤋
it's very average, sounds more like a diary entry. maybe you title it that. i didn't like the last 2 lines, it didn't flow with the rest of what you were saying. Sorry you are heartbroken
2007-08-11 16:53:19 · answer #6 · answered by heart&soul 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋
It was good, by the way a suggestion for the title: Obsession
2007-08-11 17:03:49 · answer #7 · answered by redchilipeppers2000 2 · 0⤊ 2⤋
Not my favorite form of poetry, but not bad at all.
I hope the poetry helps you feel better.
Doc
2007-08-11 16:49:42 · answer #8 · answered by Doc Hudson 7 · 0⤊ 1⤋
the lines you use
i feel like I've heard before
just more cliche heartache
sayings
i'd change it up
2007-08-11 17:00:00 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋
um...sorry but vision this.....dropping a quarter in those kitch jewelry machines, and hoping you get the big plastic diamond ring...yay!
2007-08-11 16:58:21 · answer #10 · answered by El Cid 2 · 0⤊ 1⤋