What is the best advice for someone who grew up being physically and mentally abused?

Question

A friend of mine is having such a hard time with social disorders and everything else. He recently said the person who abused him died and he said the man didn't deserve a second chance from God, and was glad that he was dead and hopefully burning in hell. By the way, no counseling! Someone please help me so I can help him. He still feels all of the pain.

Answer 1

Cold as it may sound...he has to suck it up and get over it. I've worked with people who are in their 50's and were abused as kids. It's a big freakin' cruch that way too many people use. Physical abuse is one thing. But unless the abuse crippled him to the point where he can't work or was disfigured then it's a moot point.

A therapist may help, but from what I've seen from "abused" friends who get therapy, it only makes it worse. Most therapists are enablers. A friend of mine who sees a therapist took her advise. He quit his job, claims he has an emotional disability and then justifies his rampant alcoholism and lack of cash on his abuser.

You are not going to help him. He's got to do it himself. He's got to make a conscious effort to stop blaming something or someone and get on with his life. I had to cut out my aforementioned friend because he was dragging me down his road. Your friend will do the same to you.

He's also not going to get sympathy from too many people either. Society has changed and we're not in the "touchy-feely-feminized-1990s" anymore. Less people buy into people with emotional issues nowadays. Someone can claim they were abused by their dad, priest, or scoutmaster nowadays and it won't even make the headlines. No one cares. It's such a common issue in the news that society has become desensitized to the whole issue.

It's a cold truth. Not a nice one, I'm afraid, but the truth nonetheless.

Sorry if it doesn't help, but I stopped being an enabler about five years ago.

Answer 2

He should really see a counselor, ideally he would have seen one much earlier on but the sooner the better. Ive had very similar experiences besides for the man who abused me is still alive and is my father, and I would definitely not be in a very good state right now if I had not gone to counseling which I am continuing to this day. All you can do is encourage him to get some help and let him know that your always there for him. Hope this helps.

Answer 3

He is going to keep feeling all that pain till he starts seeing a counselor or till he develops a drug addiction - because many drugs will dim the pain temporarily. The worst possibility is that he will be unable to control all that inner pain, and will take it out on girlfriends, his wife , or kids later on.

I know that he swears he would never act like that, and i am sure he means it -- but he has some bad and dangerous stuff trapped in his head.

the sooner he sees a counselor, the sooner he will be happier.
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I don't know if he will understand this sentence, but the only way he can really escape the pain is to work through it. and yes, that is going to be painful and scary. He cant do it alone, safely, and that is why he needs a professional counselor ASAP. with a counselor, he can learn that he has emotional options he has never dreamed of. I promise - i have a bit of experience in this area.

Answer 4

Just say that it is not that person's fault they were abused. This is so sad, so much of this happening, having happened.
Ach, I don't believe in counseling. The people who need it most are counselors themselves.
I have read, and heard, that people who were abused often feel it was their fault they were abused and to tell them that it was not their fault. And, to tell them to forgive those who abused them, that that gives them power over the abusers. And don't feel guilty.
I hope that this helps in some small way.

Answer 5

I'm so sad for your friend. He really needs to work though this with a professional. Psycho-tropic meds may be in order as well. I went through it--mine was moderate abuse, and it took me a number of years, and it was worth the effort. Education, understanding, forgiveness, hope for a better tomorrow. A sense of humor helps a lot--sometimes it's the only way we can cope is to laugh. Best to you & your friend.

Answer 6

I too, had a friend/tormentor that died early, and I wanted to dig him up and kill him again - for the longest. But then, I started to look into his pitiful existence- He had no self confidence, no self esteem, no talent, no closeness to no one. And I began to accept that he needed me, desperately, because I had some of all that; I was the key to his positive attention.
All I can do now is keep being the attractive person that people want to confide in.

Answer 7

Why does your friend need help. It sounds like he got it straight in the end. The person who abused him does deserve to burn in Hell. What good is going to a therapist - when all they want to tell you is to learn to forgive. Why on earth should anyone forgive a abuser?
Your friend should go take a wizz on the bastards grave, that might help him.

Answer 8

1. Re: grief and recovery
The number one advice I would give is to accept your friend no matter what he thinks or feels or has to go through to process, grieve and heal from the past abuse. I would not judge or push people who may need to experience different stages of grief and recovery before they can move to the next. Anger and venting is one stage that is natural, and there are benefits when it is helpful to a person to have unconditional support and space to express whatever thoughts they are having, and also negatives to anger when it becomes excessive, misdirected, self-destructive and no longer constructive but causes more damage. It may take an experienced counselor to distinguish the difference, but you can check with your friend to make sure the anger he is expressing is helping him release it or making him feel worse. Please see more notes below on the "grief" process.

2. Understanding abuse, conscience and healing
The way I explain abuse to people (either psychologically, emotionally, physically, sexually) is that the abusers use these damaging actions, especially rape, to "dump" their own rage, guilt, shame, anger or other negative burdens onto their victims. It is a very twisted sick way of crying out for help, by causing wounds that burden someone else. Similar to drunk drivers who do not get serious help to address their alcohol addiction until they hurt an innocent victim -- so the pain is "transferred" to the conscience of someone else to feel the suffering until the problem is identified and addressed. This is a horrible side of the human learning curve, that if we don't correct problems, they spread and become someone else's burden until we address it.

So your friend is unfortunately still feeling the effects of the abuse of the past, based on the anger, addiction or whatever oppressive negative mindset of the person who did this. They did not get help, so they passed their anger onto him.
The good news is (a) he does not have to accept the burden (b) the actions in the past have ceased, so the pain will not continue either.

I am very sorry that this happens to anyone this way.
Please let your friend know you are very sorry he had suffered the problems of someone else. Please remind him how "glad" you are that that person is gone and the abuse has stopped. Remind him it is of the past and is not continuing. Also, be glad that he knows the fault was not his, but belongs to the other person who did not get help for his problem. Tell him that's a good thing he knows that, and to let it go so it doesn't keep hurting him (since it belongs to the other person).

He does not deserve that, and that person was just very sick, never got help or never tried, and made him feel sick too by spreading his sick feelings by abuse. No one deserves to suffer these horrible consequences of abuse this way.

Let him know it is right that he holds the other person responsible, but to also forgive so that those bad feelings don't stay with him but go back to that source. Please make sure he understands that "forgiving" is just the mental way of letting go, so these horrible feelings do not stay on his conscience burdening him. By forgiving the negative memories and thoughts, each time they come up, they will not keep attracting negative energies that build up and infect the heart and mind with the same sickness that person had who would not get help to forgive. It may take several layers, especially if the abuse happened repeatedly over time, but since the abuse has stopped so will the pain. The actions are unexcusable, but let THAT PERSON take responsibility for all the bad feelings and memories associated with it!

As long as your friend continues to hold on to these, he is being "used" by the offender, similar to a trash or toxic waste dump. He needs to work through whatever it takes to clear his heart, mind and spirit of any thoughts or feelings associated with the abuse, because he does not DESERVE to suffer from someone else's actions. Forgiveness allows that release, it is not to ignore responsibility but to place it back where it belongs. Does that make sense? To let go and give it back to God and let God carry it back to the source, not to hold on to the toxic poison where it makes us sick!

The worst thing in the world is telling people they will never heal of this, because then they continue to fear and resent the person who did this. It is VERY important for people to learn they can heal mentally and spiritually of past wounds and memories by agreeing to let the negative feelings go.

If you want to understand spiritually healing more for your own benefit in helping your friend, please read books on "Healing" by Francis MacNutt (edition 2001 or later) and anything by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross on the 5 steps of grieving.

People have different timing and stages that it takes them to recover from the shock, trauma, and emotional wounds of abuse, especially physical and sexual which embed deep in the spirit and need tender loving care and unconditional support to release without fear of facing the pain. If someone is in the anger stage, they may need to use that emotion to separate themselves from the guilt which belongs to the other person, not to them. So sometimes anger helps burn away the excess emotions dumped on them. Like a wildfire, it is okay when nature uses that to clear away old brush so that new trees can sprout; but anger, like fires, should never be allowed to run so wild they burn up everything and cause damage. So you would have to support your friend no matter if he needs to feel anger to help him stabilize right now, and help him prepare to ease off if it becomes self-destructive.

If you can explain to your friend your concern about the positive and negative types of anger, and you just want to make sure it is helping him to heal and not hurting him more, maybe he may feel comfortable enough talking with you to identify where he is in the stages of grief and healing. Once he gets a sense that he is in one stage of a process, he may be more interested in understanding the whole pattern and how it works.

Word of warning:
a. Some patterns to look for (1) using anger to separate oneself and return the responsibility on the abuser. this can work well, especially if you forgive the abuser afterwards to finish releasing the burden. However if the anger and burden lingers that's when it can cause self-repeating destruction or projection onto other people (2) using you to project some anger, then when you apologize for the pain and suffering and bring in forgiveness and restore trust, some of the hurt is released that came from the past. this can help facilitate the healing process, or again be abused to repeat and relive more pain if the person doesn't understand the process is happening. (3) if your friend trusts you and will turn to you no matter what, what I have told my friends is that I care and want to help them but I am too sensitive and need the pain to be released or else I will feel it with them. for my friends who respect our friendship, that is how I ask them to please get more help to let go so it does not continue to hurt our friendship. it is not his fault so he shouldn't have to carry it.
b. Professional counselors are trained not to get personally caught up in a person's process, but to remain objective, neutral and outside. However, as a close friend you may be subject to "projection" "displacement" and "re-enactment."
If your friend has not forgiven someone who is not there to apologize and repent, you could be used as a proxy, where your friend re-enacts the abuse and the point is to role play where the conflict can be forgiven. So the past unforgiven issues passed onto your friend from abuse, may in fact repeat again in his other relations, causing the social disorders to repeat until THESE are forgiven and healed.
To break the cycle, if someone recognizes these patterns, they can get help to work on it outside, instead of projecting onto their friends and relations. If they are unaware they are repeating this, as with some emotional and social disorders, then by your forgiveness and support you could help to ease this burden or your mental space and energy could be abused. So please be careful if you see this pattern, and if it imposes an unfair emotional burden on you that becomes oppressive, abusive or damaging to your friendship. I had a few cases of friends doing this unknowingly that got so bad we BOTH had to go to a counselor to resolve the damage. So please be careful with your space, that the same infectious negative energy and guilt does not get transferred or projected to you unless YOU can release and forgive it without causing any more damage. Again, this is an unfortunate side of the human learning process, that if we do not forgive past injuries, they can carry on, and project and injure other people. So it is very important to forgive the past, as many times as it takes to fully let go, and let love in to heal and close these wounds.