Should I go to the funeral?

Question

My ex-boyfriend who I tried my best to remain friends with and who carried a torch for me for two years after we broke up took his own life the other day. I have been feeling immense amounts of guilt because he tried to ruin subsequent relationships in the hope that I would get back with him, which was never going to happen. He never truly moved on and became depressed. I never took it seriously, and now it's too late. His sister has told me that, whilst she and her brother and father realise that he was beyong help and it was in no way my fault, their mother feels I could have given him another chance and blames me for the death.
The thing is is that beneath all the sadness, he was actually a lovely guy and I feel I'd be doing him a great disservice by not attending. My boyfriend says I should go, but I don't want to cause more upset for his mother. What do you think? Any good advice would be most helpful because I don't know which way to go.

There is a small part of me that is glad he is gone, and I don't mean that in a negative way. I mean I knew he was not a happy person any more, and now he can finally be rid of all his pain and anguish.

Answer 1

First of all, my condolences to you and his, darlin. *hug*

It's my opinion that a funeral is not for the one that has passed, but for the people that he/she has left behind. His mother and his family are feeling a lot of pain right now, but at the same time, I'm sure you are as well. I feel that if you, you personally, need some closure, then it would be be best for you to attend.

I know it would be hard for the family, but the choice needs to come from inside you, regardless of their feelings. I know that's tough.

What's more, there should be no guilt on your part. HE has decided to take his life; anyone, including yourself, that would place the blame on your shoulders is foolish. They should be happy to accept you there as a happy part of this young man's life.

Anyhow, that's all I can say. Good luck, and contact me if you need to talk. XOXO

Answer 2

I am so sorry for the your loss. I know this is a terribly painful dilemma facing you, but I think you should follow your heart. Gocheffs7777 has given you some great advice. You are one of the grieving and you have as much right to attend as anyone else.
So often with the death of a child, the mother needs someone to blame.... not sure why but I've seen it several times. Perhaps because the loss is too severe for a mother to bare and so she projects her pain as anger toward another, in this case you.
I don't know her so I can't say how she would react to a confrontation by you, but I can say that in time and for your own healing, you will need to talk with this woman. You may need to go to her and be ready to receive all the anger and pain that she can hurl at you. And then you'll need to be ready to cry with her and let him go.
Like it or not you are part of this grieving and you won't heal your own pain until you release the guilt you harbor.
You should also remember that you did not cause this. Suicide is irrational behavior of the most extreme and you can not be held responsible for the actions of your ex.
I do not envy your situation but my heart goes out to you. Be strong, you'll be OK. Lean on your friends and family while you are going through this difficult time. Their love and support will help you get through it.

Answer 3

I would go to show your support and respect. You DID love each other for a while. And, even if his mom needs to yell at you, blame you; that might be cathartic for her at the moment. Death brings about anger and we look for people to blame; often because we ourselves feel guilty. Looking back, I think his mom will see she's wrong, but remember, hopefully fondly, that you attended. For you, this is the last chance to say goodbye. Without going into detail, I'll tell you I've had experience with this and ANYTHING you can do to get closure, you should do, while you have the time. Especially with your current boyfriend's approval (he sounds very understanding) I think the best choice is to attend, say goodbye, and close that chapter of your life.

Answer 4

I am so sorry, both for you and for him.
If it was me, I would ask the rest of the family. If, in their estimation, it won't cause more grief, then by all means go. In all honesty, usually at a funeral, people don't cause a fuss. It just bad etiquette. But if the family feel that it would cause the mother a lot more pain, then I wouldn't go, but I would send a really nice flower arrangement. You have shown your respect by just wondering what you should do.
What he did was his decision, you had nothing to do with it in any way, shape, or form. It's not your fault he did what he did and don't think it is. You did what you could, that's all any of us can do. At least you tried.

Answer 5

This is a tough one. Normally I would say go, but because of the circumstances, maybe it would be best if you didn't. Deep in her heart his mother knows that you're not to blame, but she's too distraught right now to face that, and she very well might be more upset if you attended. You can always go to the cemetary after and pay your respects and "talk" to your friend. You sound like a really special guy who's trying to respect everyone's feelings, and even tho' you and this person were no longer together, you still suffered a loss. My sympathies.

Answer 6

Unfortunately I have a little experience with this, a similar situation and the memory is still painful.

Send flowers, make a donation in his name to a favorite charity but DO NOT GO!

It most likely will be too upsetting for the mother, if she still blames you for her son's death - depending on her emotional stability, she could even make an ugly scene - in any case, a funeral is simply not the right time or place to address all those sensitive issues.

I am sorry for your loss.

Answer 7

Oh Sweetie, you are between a rock and a hard place. You have my sympathies on your friend's death. You do need to go to the funeral, but when you do, you realize that you have the distinct possibility to be the target of Mom's pain and grief. Logically, she *knows* that it's not your fault but now in her mind she can't fathom it. She needs a scapegoat, someone else to blame the death of her son on. Don't take anything she says personally. She doesn't really mean it but she'll sound like she does and she'll sound like she does for maybe a few years. As long as the *rest* of the family understands, that's what matters. You do need closure and you need to pay your respect. Take a good sturdy handkerchief. You'll need it. Blessings and we love you.

Answer 8

I would ask his mother.

Yes you're a grown man and you don't need her permission and all that jazz, but let's face it, she's upset and she is targetting you for her grief.

The guy's mom is a closer relation than you, who at this point were just a close friend. As such, you should seek her guidance before attending just for the sake of being a good person.

You can always visit the grave afterwords and show respect privately, but you shouldn't go if its going to cause more pain.

Speak to the mother, tell her how you feel and seek her guidance.

Answer 9

His mother has to have someone to blame and right or wrong you're her choice. I'd go but try not to let her see you there since you don't want to cause her any more grief. if you can speak to the boys father or one of his siblings to let them know you were there I would. I also wouldn't sign the guest book because his mom will be looking over it to see who did show and who didn't and seeing your name there would probably just upset her.

Answer 10

This is not an easy decision for you to make.

If it were me, I would try to slip in unnoticed and sit at the back of the group of mourners. Hopefully you won't be spotted by his mother.

His mother is in indescribable pain. Those left behind from a suicide have their own burdens to carry. She is blaming you because it's easier for her to deal with what has happened by doing so.

If you choose not to attend the funeral and there is an interment, you could visit his graveside in the near future and pay your respects there.