I am 20 years old and my parents have me on a very tight leash- how do i get some freedom?!?

Question

I live at home, attend a university, i am a dean's list student, and i still have a curfew of midnight and parents that wont ever let me out after dark basically.

I lost a brother about 6 years ago and since then they have gotten a million times worse- he was older then me and passed away from a brain ameruism.. something you cant stop or change

how can i get them to ease up a little bit and accept it that i need to spread my wings....

Answer 1

I am sorry to hear that. You are right and I agree with your assessment that your parents are still grieving and now watching you like a hawk with only one chick.

Be gentle and try to go into a program that requires you to live on campus or something like that.

Im sure they will relax only when you are married and have given them grandchildren to pay attention to. It might even heal them. Parents who have lost a child tend to be scaredy cats with the rest of the brood to the point of being stifling and smothering.

Make sure you always phone at least every 2 hrs, then 3 hrs then 4 hrs., and so on.

Answer 2

If you're living under your parent's roof and not paying any rent, you have little choice but to abide by their rules. I'm certain you don't intend to live there forever, so you'll have to get a job so you'll have some means of support, and find an apartment, or share an apartment with a friend. You could work during the day and attend university classes at night, or go to classes during the day and work in the evenings. Where I live, you are considered an adult at 19, but I know this varies according to locale. By living at home, you are saving money for your parents as well as yourself. They should allow you a little more freedom. But in a year or two, once you have finished school, you can find a job and be on your own and completely independent. Good luck!

Answer 3

I have to agree with the previous answers, you will probably have to move in order to gain some freedom.
It is not uncommon that Parents will become overprotective after the death of another child. They may feel on a subconscious level that they failed to "protect" him. Even though as you said, what occurred was not something that they could've saved him from. But that doesn't mean you don't feel guilty as a Parent. In addition, after a death it reminds you of how little precious time we have with our loved ones. And we want to hold on as tight as we can.
Of course, this doesn't make things any more comfortable for you! If moving out seems to extreme for you right now, then sit them down and have a heart to heart. Recognize and respect their feelings, reassure them. Maybe they haven't even really realized that they've put you on a tighter leash.

Answer 4

Unfortunately this is their problem, not yours. You can't let them control you this way without letting it do some damage to your prospects in life. Moving out right away, however, may cause a fight if they take it as a personal betrayal. As much as it may hurt you both to do so, you really need to sit down with them and explain exactly what you need in the way of freedom. A little negotiation can go a long way toward making you both happy. Point out to them that holding you so close is really making you want to run away, at least emotionally. If they won't listen to reason, then I might resort to moving out or just ignoring the curfew and see what happens. What can they do then? Kick you out? Problem solved.

Answer 5

Two factors are at work here.
1): You have never left home, and as such, you have never made any attempt to "cut the apron strings." Your parents still see you in a diminutive role, since you've never established an adult level of independence.
2): Your brother died, and even though it was not preventable, your parents have lost one of the most precious things to them: a child. If you're the only remaining child they have, their over-protectiveness is totally understandable, given the loss they've suffered. They're simply terrified of losing you, too.

And finally, although you don't say it, I wonder if you have not yet shown them a level of responsibility and maturity that would demonstrate to them that you are capable of living as an adult.

Even though it's been some time, my heart still goes out to you and you family over the loss of your brother.

The only way to handle the situation, is to find housing of your own.

Answer 6

Sweetie, you are in one awful position. Please accept my condolences on the loss of your brother.

I hope you can try to see things from your parent's point of view, even though they likely won't be able, unfortunately, to see things through your eyes. You need to get into the giving mode, and that is so hard. The fact that they are still together is so admirable. Often, the death of a child splits parents apart, the grief is so great, so overwhelming.

They feel guilty, even though they shouldn't. Parents are just like that...they feel they should have just "known" something was wrong. They are so terrified that something will be wrong with you, they can't see straight. Their over-concern is their love and fear for your well-being.

Assure them that you love them; assure them that you love them without reservation. Give them some time. I know you feel like you're sacrificing a part of your youth to your brother's untimely death. That's the hand you've been dealt. They are human and can't be expected to treat you with the maturity you're attaining. Talk to them. Reassure them that you're not behaving irresponsibly. Let them know without doubt that your brother's memory is as important to you as it is to them. Count your lucky stars that they didn't divorce after your brother's death. And your job is to reinforce for them how much you love them. They might be a bit (or a lot) over-protective. Help them get past it. You'll have a bond with them stronger than ever. My 4 siblings and I had to do this with my mom...our first sibling/brothger died in an accident. We had to work with Mom to establish trust again. It's SO worth it.

Answer 7

Unfortunately while you live under their roof you need to respect their rules. They're overprotective of you, understandably. Even though you're a top student and seem responsible (from here, at least), they want to make sure nothing happens to you, even though an aneurysm is beyond anyone's control.

Try talking to them and express your need to grow up and away, yet respect their concerns and don't present your case with defiance. Maybe start with a 12:30 curfew and work from there.

Good luck!

Answer 8

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Answer 9

How about not going out at midnight? Why would anyone do that? Of course drinking could be done then, or hanging out with questionable people. But whatever else is beyond me.

They are just concerned about you. I don't have kids, but I'd really wonder where my twenty year-old was going at twelve. If that is none of their business, move out. You are living under their roof. You are eating their food. They are probably paying your tuition. I for one wouldn't want police showing up at my door and telling me that my "grown" kid was out drinking or doing some other kind of nonsense.

And who wants to be bothered with the door after midnight???

Answer 10

move out. sorry to say it but thats probably your best bet. while you live in their house you cant really argue much about rules or curfews. if talking to them hasnt worked, it just might be the only option. Your parents sound like they really havent gotten over your brothers death and unfortunately you are suffering for it. my parents went the other way after my brother died of kidney failure they pretty much just stopped paying attention to my sisters and i completely.