L’Oneliness.... What do you think of this poem ?

Question

L’Oneliness

What mountain is higher than loneliness
And what valley is lower than despair
For my heart is torn in the wake of apathy
And I long for a life to share

The light stays dim behind my shades
And all the shadows glow
My voice echoes off the wall
With words that I don’t know

An orange beam filters in
Unwelcome guest in my room
What right the sun to be so bright
When I am filled with deadly gloom

My heart beats irregular
And my thoughts have no pattern
And I hear the wicked laughter
Because the ravens are a-gathering

My soul is on the wire
This might be the end
All the darkness, all the pain
Just cause

.... I have no friend

So if you see me on the outside
Just smile and nod your head
And know that I’m still living
And not yet the living dead

Answer 1

First stanza...consider shortening the 3rd line to read:
"My heart is torn by apathy
And I long for a life to share"

It has the same beat as the following line and still coveys the thought without the "wake" metaphor that overdoes "apathy"...which, is actually a strong image all by itself.

The next stanza is good, but the first stanza could be, would be, a powerful poem all by itself. The remainder of the poem could serve as a separate poem...I highly recommend you consider this...really. The first stanza is that good and carries its own message without any need for further clarification.

keep writing

Answer 2

I think that this part is great. Its universal.

What mountain is higher than loneliness
And what valley is lower than despair
For my heart is torn in the wake of apathy
And I long for a life to share

The light stays dim behind my shades
And all the shadows glow
My voice echoes off the wall
With words that I don’t know

The rest of the poem is a gloomy unnecessary ramble.

Answer 3

i rather cherished this poem. I cherished the assessment you created with "What mountain is larger than loneliness And what valley is below melancholy" I additionally cherished the flair interior the theory-with regard to the lines "My voice echoes off the wall With words that I don’t understand" you have got carried out so plenty greater with that. And there you went back with "What actual the sunlight to be so impressive whilst i'm crammed with deadly gloom" that's yet another close to cliche yet no longer a cliche. The question of "what actual the sunlight to be so impressive" became somewhat amazing, impressive, inspired. ok, so Iiked it. I rather have in basic terms advised you the areas I cherished. You look to have moments of thought and imaginitive steam and then weird and wonderful episodes of rattling imaginitive laziness!!! i rather think of you may write. I recommend you artwork in this actual poem some greater. ok?

Answer 4

Very nice, excellent work. This poem really portrays how much man needs contact, to be with something. I am honored to be able to witness poetry of this calibre.

Answer 5

Let me tell you something, I take each line and let it digest.
and with contexts of all written I think you are a truly talented writer and I too am blessed to read your poem.
Dag gummit this poem rocksssssssssssssss..