my daughter has been vicious and mean she is 23 years old?

Question

to me and my husband lately.
she recently graduated from a university. psychology major? she said she needs to (quit us) get us out of her life. she has lived away from home for four years but we have paid all of her expenses and have given her money for school.
Now she has a nice job but she is miserable. She has told us that she frequents ghetto's and hopes that someone robs her or rapes her or even kills her.
Her emails to us are vicious and mean. Rot in he** and f**k you. we are hurt and don't understand why she treats us this way. She thinks she is suffering from low self esteem? i don't know about that but she is going out of her way to make her sister miserable and her younger brother. she has been a problematic child. She brings up unhappy memories of her childhood and blames us for everything that has ever went wrong in our lives. We lost a child aged 6 to a brain stem tumor when she was a baby. I don't know. We are hurting right now do we just tell her goodbye?.....

Thanks so much to everyone for the advice. I honestly feel confused and lost at the moment. I love my daughter and want her to be happy, but I'm unsure what I can do at this point.

I'm having difficulties even considering letting her go. I know it's something i might have to face, but she's my daughter :(

Answer 1

My honest suggestion, tell her that you love her and you're sorry that she feels that way, but until she can show some respect towards you and your family, your family cannot emotionally take her presence and she is not welcome. When she feels she can grow up and act like a mature and loving human being, then you will be more than happy to welcome her back into the family.

Also, I'd recommend individual counseling for her, or family counseling for everyone or just you and your daughter (if she'd be willing to go). Obviously she has some issues that she needs taken care of, but you can only do so much for her, she needs to take some steps (like counseling) on her own.

Answer 2

My problematic brother is Samuel. Once Sam turned 10 years old, he started to become a pretty vicious person. >> Exactly why and how? You need to take the time to HONESTLY remember all the little details that caused this "sudden" change. Kids don't just turn rotten for no reason! In highschool we got in an argument and he slapped me across the face. That same year he punched my sister and pinned her to the ground until I whacked him in the back of the head with a telephone. Sam has called my mom and myself a b*tch, a c*nt, fat (at a normal weight!) and he's said that he absolutely hates me and does not care if I die. >> What did Sam's parents do or not do about this mindless violence? How did he get like that? Why did your parent's FAIL to help him? Someone had to be in charge in the family? Sam is so immature that after our last argument, he 'de-friended' me on facebook, which is not a big deal to me. >> He is not "immature" - he is NEGLECTED! And has been DEPRIVED of a normal upbringing! Someone has FAILED to teach Sam how to be OK, kind, respectful, happy, good, polite, etc. and now he is out of control. If he is this mean, I'd say someone or something seriously HURT him back then. Since you were there, I assume you might know what happened to him but your parents must definitely know! My brother and I were pretty good friends when little BUT our parents were not OK and our cruel, abusive dad, beat & terrorized us a lot. We turned out to be quite VIOLENT towards each other and other kids at school. We were conditioned to be dangerous and violent! IMO, Sam is doing what he either was taught or he is mentally ill! re: Is it reasonable to cut ties with him? >> Yes! and then seek help FOR HIM! He needs therapy to cope with any childhood abuses or a doctor to deal with any genetic/medical problems. Something has happened to him that requires a professional to examine and HELP HIM WITH.

Answer 3

She's in trouble. But, give her what she wants. Let her disengage. The most important piece of advice that I can give you and your husband, and I'm speaking from education and personal experience, is that you must yourselves disengage from her now. Let her go. You have to rachet down the intense engine of maternal love and actually stop loving her so much. Protect your other children from her venom. And, get some counseling. You're going to need it. You aren't going to be OK about all of this for a very long time. So, prepare yourself for that reality. The hurt bubbles and boils for years. There is no escaping it. Don't despair and turn to drugs or anger or depression or picking yourselves apart over every little detail of how you raised her. You did the best you can. And, you've always loved her. Now move on. Focus on recovery. Take good care of yourselves and stay healthy and positive. Stay sane, OK?

Answer 4

There have been some excellent remarks coupled with compassion and sympathy.

Obviously, the girl is disturbed, the 'cry for help' comment may be accurate OR to talk that way (go to the ghetto, wanting to be raped or killed) is a very nasty thing to say to people who love you. As it hurts like being shot in the gut with an arrow.

I would add that to 'look for' the ONE thing that is the cause of this syndrome of self and other hatred is: Futile !! Don't buy into the lie that "I lost my baby brother and it has marked me for life; and it's your fault, mutttherrrrrr"...Just don't accept that garbage.

As advised by others....cut her off and loose, seek some support for yourself and intact family to cope with whatever 'little surprises' she will come up with; in order to get you back into the position of her rescuer. And, count on it, she will 'up the ante' on her level of destructiveness; in order to get you re hooked. I would suggest checking out your mental health programs, in your area: Some states will allow you to petition the court and have her involuntarily hospitalized for psych evaluation. And, some won't. Some larger cities have a traveling crisis team and you could give them a 'head's up' to be on the lookout for her; especially in the seedy side of town.

All police are supposed to respond to a "Health and Welfare" check. That is: you call them, state your concerns (especially, when she cuts off contact with you) and they go knock on the door and check on her welfare.

The 3 Big C's come to mind: You didn't Cause it, You cannot Control it and you certainly cannot Cure it !!! But, you can change the rules of the game, get in a position of authority and demand more appropriate behavior. She will not like it !! And, all h e c k will break loose.

Stay the course, don't let her bully you and hang together.

Answer 5

Sounds to me like a possible sudden drug addiction, or at the very least, a BIG, sudden change in her life. Has she started dating someone who might have physically, sexually, or mentally abused her? Has she gotten attacked? Is she into drugs - have you noticed a sudden, drastic weight gain or loss, her skin discolored, hair consistancy different, anything like that?
Usually when people change "tunes" like that all of the sudden, it's brought on by a traumatic event, or substance that changes their way of thinking, and viewing the world around them. Something has made her "snap."
Now your job is to find out what it might be. Start asking questions. Ask people around her. Ask her co-workers, friends, anyone she might be dating. Feel out the situation. Really start paying attention to everything that she says to you, and try to ask her why she feels that certain way, or ask details about where she's going, what's she doing, that kind of thing.
I wouldn't necessarily "say goodbye" yet. I know if it were me, I'd want to investigate - not knowing would drive me crazy. But it's totally up to you and what you think you can handle. If you don't want to be involved, then you don't have to.
Try also keeping a log of whatever clues or facts you dig up. That way, you can review them, or review them with a psycologist and it may end up giving you the answer to the mystery.
Good luck, and I'll be praying for you - how awful I feel for you!
Let us know what happens!

Answer 6

Cut your losses and let her go. She obviously has some mental problems. Most folks that go into psychology have them. The go into it looking for answers to their own problems.

She is not suffering from low self esteem, she's just cruel and sadistic and enjoys inflicting emotional pain on people. You'll be happier without her in your lives. Don't send her any money either. Don't even bother telling her good bye.

We had to let my sister go years ago and it is really nice not having to put up with her cruel and spiteful remarks at family gatherings. I feel sorry for anyone who makes the mistake of befriending her.

Answer 7

She knows the ropes inside and out now that she has been to school. She knows how to hurt you and is darn good at it. Don't close the door on her, but stop the emailing. Set boundaries for you and your family so she knows she must respect them in order to communicate with you. Go get counselling with your husband for how to cope with her behaviour. It may help to bring your other children in for help as well. That will help you get through this, discover things about yourselves, and will show her that you are mature enough to deal with the unhappiness she has dumped on you. She may even clean up her behaviour when she finds out another professional is involved. Things will work out if you work at it together.

Answer 8

Sounds like she is deeply depressed, but she still has no right to take it out on her parents. Perhaps the last thing you should offer to pay for is a course of counselling for her. If that does nothing, maybe warn her about her language and her attitude towards you, then if it continues, block her emails. Maybe she will come out of this depression in her own way and in her own time, but it might take a while. If you and your husband are truly not to blame, then this is something she needs to sort out for herself.

Answer 9

Maybe it is time to cut her loose, she is going through something and is taking it out on her family, she needs to be left alone, don't open her e-mails anymore just let her be, she may come around once she deals with what ever she is going through. If she is a psychology major, you would think that she would be fully aware that her behavior towards your family is totally unexceptable and unfair. Give her what she is asking for.......let her go, and make sure she knows that it is her idea not yours.

Answer 10

Your concerns are justified... -But her abuse of them- is NOT. The next time she tells you to "get lost", tell her -that you'll give her her "Space" until SHE'S ready to get back in touch with you. From the Sound of her "Issues"- that may BE awhile. But she's old enough to look after HERSELF...& until she's ready to act civilly towards you & your husband again- you might as well leave her alone until she works through her problems. Sometimes we have to "let go" of something- if we're to have ANY chance of getting it "back". Hang in there- & good luck.