How do you handle a conspiricy against you?

Question

My abuse husband has left me yipeee, but is now in cahoots with his parents to brand me an unfit mother and and is continuing to play mind games with me. Just today I found he has gone to his parents where 2 of my children are staying for the weekend and from the brief convesation I had with his father I am getting the impression they are trying to say I cannot cope with my family. Yesterday I was quite distressed as my husband is an extremely nasty piece of work, particularly when drunk and has vowed to drive me to suicide ( his exact words) He is a mental health nurse and has abused patients in the past but got away with it as he is so intimidating and positivley psychopathic.
His plan is now to make me look inadequqte so he has an easy time of gaining residency of the boys. I admit to struggling in the past and am living on my own a long way from my own family
I know this is not news or events but tough I have friends here who I think can give me good advice
Best defence guys?

does it really matter to be so picky ice queen. Frosty by name frosty by nature, cheers

Bob - the truth was not apparent in the beginning

Jack I can't tell everything here but would have good reason to be paranoid believe me

busy bee, you are right, half the problem here is the tables have turned on him. I sought treatment and got stronger, he has never addressed his problems.

Answer 1

Ignore the inadequates who replied, The best thing to do and I know it won't be easy, is to rise above the monstrosity and his parents, never meet him/them indoors, always in a public place, try not to show fear or worry, a bully always pounces on that, try to keep calm, tape record meetings, note down everything, change door locks, keep in contact with Police, tell social services everything about him, a wifebeater is also a danger to his children. Good luck Gobilina.

Answer 2

I'll tell you a story, true story.

A women found the courage to leave her violent husband. She had with her the 2 children.

The husband had a narcisstic personality, had to be in control, had to win, had to make black look white etc.

He could not handle the situation that he was powerless and that his wife would not be under his control.

He bad mouthed her to anyone who would listen and twisted about the truth.

Meanwhile his wife had filed for divorce and with the change into rented accomodation etc she did not have much money spare.

The husband promised to pay her some money on a certain day. He made about a couple of payments, generous payments, but then stopped.

She phoned him. He did not answer.
She phoned again. He answered and said he'd forgot and to contact hime the next day to make arrangements to give her the money.
So she phoned him the next day. He did not answer, she phoned again and again.
He would promise to send the money and did not and tell her to call later cos he was busy..so she called.

see the pattern?

Then this man filed a restraining order against her for harassing phonecalls after getting a record from his phone company of all the number of incoming calls.

He had twisted and turned the facts to suit himself and his ego. To make her powerless, to make her mad, to make others think she was unstable.

The, he used that information, and her denials as proof of her mental instability and he went for custody.

He failed. But it was a messy court case.

Goblina, when narcisstic people have their back to the wall it becomes about winning and revenge.

As everyone has said here, keep a diary of all contact. Write down what was said, what was promised.

Have you contacted womansaid. They can give support in situations such as yours and get you the help you need both emotionally and practically.

Every worrying contact with him get it logged. Threats and intimidation, call police. Stress log it with the doctor. Also get advice from the Citizens Advice Bureau, they will log the interview and although confidential, you and only you can request the records be released and someone from CAB can support your version of events in the future if you need that.

Best defence.
Eyes open to all the ploys.
Do not play his games.
Record everything in a diary.
Record threats with the police and ask them each time for a case number. (Then they have to write up the paperwork, important for you if needed in court)
Record emotional stress and fear with the doctor. (Then doctor record usable, esp if it proves that you are only affected badly by your husbands presence...)
Do not play his game, run your own game.

P.S if you have a home in joint names he can still gain access to the property. You can get an occupation order from the courts to keep him out until after the divorce.

Well Done for being strong and thinking about yours and your childrens welfare. It will be tough in the short term but you will be great! You go girl!

Answer 3

He is trying to break you psychologically.... He is still controlling you through fear...

Visit the cab and they will advise .. try refuge they are highly experienced too...

Log down any events including times dates and so on ...

He is mentally abusing you even now and you have to be strong .. he knows how you think .. how you tick .. so break the cycle by adopting a different approach ..

Visit a solicitor . .your first hour is free ...Get as many people on board now as this will strengthen your case ...

Do you have any friends where you live now ?

You need support to help you through this situation ..

Your husband is bullying you and you are in a tough place ..

Somehow you need to be strong and there are various agencies that are there for you ...

Tommorow is a new day .. think postive and stay strong

Well done for getting this far ....

You are a strong woman who has escaped the psychial abuse and took your children to a safe environment .. stop feeling scared as he can not hurt you ...

Change the locks ... speak to people and do not let this man control you any more you are worth so much more and he knows it that is why he is bullying you .. he wants you back that s why he is doing htis .. do not give in and as for his parents keep them at a safe distance as they may be getting info of you and feeding him ...

You are in control now good luck xxxxxxxx

Answer 4

Do yourself a favor and move without telling him. I would also suggest having a male friend over whenever you have to meet him. Last I would keep a record of everything right down to what shoes he's wearing. That way when he or his family tries anything you'll be prepared. I know this because I was divorced once and I know what I'm talking about.

Answer 5

He sounds exactly like my friend's ex, who turned out to be truly scary... she moved away from him with the kids, and he got a transfer to the town she moved to, then followed her back when she moved home again, and all the while he was pushing and pushing and pushing to make her crack and get full custody of the kids - not because he wanted them especially, it was all about beating her and getting her where it would hurt the most... he's a real piece of work, and what's worse, his family backed him and worked like mad to turn her kids against her.
She struggled and was under intense pressure, and the worst of it was that her family believed him, so she couldn't turn to them for support.
However, she gathered her friends around her, and we all supported her and continue to support her. She got legal advice, set up a network of support with her doctor and public health nurse and mental health staff - and this worked hugely in her favour, as she could prove she was fit to care for her children. It also meant she had people to talk to and that she could get constructive advice to help her get through a really difficult time.
Her kids were young when they split, but they still knew what was going on... and they weren't taken in by him for a minute, so the efforts of his family were for nothing. They continue to live with her, and are staunch in their support of her.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that you need to do the same - set up a network of friends who can support you. If you have a history of bipolar, then keep in regular contact with support staff who can testify in your favour, and remember, if you're a patient, then they will also act as your advocates, not against you, so don't worry about that. If you're under pressure over the coming few months, then it's all the more reason to make sure you can manage your condition well, and cope with this horrible situation.
Go see a solicitor, get advice about exactly how your husband might succeed in getting custody of your children, so you can take steps to protect against that.
Don't sit at home and work yourself into a state - that won't help. Go get help, the sooner the better.
I would agree with other answers - document everything, report everything to the police and get them to record it in the incident book, if nothing else. Explain to them exactly what you're doing - getting an official record that may be called on later for use in court.
Stay strong, it's highly unlikely he will succeed in getting the kids away from you, just keep a cool head, distance yourself from him and his family, and take a friend with you as a witness to your dealings with them when you drop off or collect the children.
Best of luck.

Answer 6

Goblina, fortunately I've never been in this position sweetheart, so I can't offer you any words of wisdom. I have read some of the answers and there's lots of very good advice which I hope you'll take on board. All I can say is I'll be thinking of you and hope you get your life back on track when this bastard is out of your life for good. Good luck and best wishes x.

Answer 7

I don't for a moment envy your position, sweetheart. (Sorry if I seem to be overly familiar with you but this is a situation I think you need some real support with!)

My father done the same when my mother left. It was on my 14th birthday.

Situations like this are very difficult to deal with, so someone HAS to keep a level head! I can't emphasise that enough.

It seems your husband can't keep things on an even keel, he has to rock the boat just to get the attention, has got to make lots of noise and fuss and derogatory remarks about you, bring you down, just to make himself look and feel good. Selfish B*****d.

Resist the temptation to respond, like for like. This may only inflame him even more.
Let him to his internal disintegration because the truth will out.

If you, when you speak to his parents, speak in a calm, polite and respectful tone, then they will eventually see that their son is perhaps being, at least, unreasonable. Win people over by your your own calmness and stoicism in the face of trying circumstances.

Having said this, find yourself a good friend in whom you can confide (one friend is enough for the purpose) and with whom you can let out your emotions. Crying, as you know is a great stress reliever but please don't make your friend feel this is her/his problem. Draw on their strength because you are going to need it. I feel you may have a tough fight on your hands in the weeks and months ahead.

As far as your boys go, remember to make them feel loved (I'm a fool for saying that to a mother) and keep them informed in the process of things without making derogatory comments about their father.

In short, some one has to keep calm. Some one has to be level headed about it all. Reach inside yourself and see what immense strength lies within!

Answer 8

Document all contact with the him and his family. Save all voice/text messages. Perhaps do as someone else has said and go see a solicitor, just to see where you stand. I'd suggest a restraining order, so that reduces the stress of you having to put up with his ****. That way, you can get your head clear and decide what to do.

Answer 9

Go to a solicitor. Make sure every contact you have is kept a record of. He sounds sick and twisted and needs to be stopped. There are helplines that can help you deal with him, and they have people who have been through the same thing.

Please do not let him win.

And ignore Ice Fairy - she is obviously some kid who has stayed up past her bed time and is now a bit over tired

Answer 10

move closer to your family so you can have the support. If you know for sure he was abusing patients and can give evidence to prove it then you should have reported it!! If you can't then you shouldn't be saying it publicly like this. Take yourself away from this situation as quickly and cleanly as possible. Get recordings of his 'nasty' conversations if you can before you go as evidence to get a restraining order on him.