For the slightly maturer men,?

Question

What is it with the man that can't commit? Been in love with same man for 20yrs, we have 3 kids together. When all is good why does he bail out on us, but when we try to patchup and move on without him he returns for another go. Have forgave and forgot for 4 leavings of this family over the last 10yrs, he's just gone again. I consider myself a good worthy partner, look after him, don't nag him, have good intimacy between us, don't push or put him under the thumb. So what gives with this man. I want to move on and find a good man that will stick around and return the love I'm able to give on a deep and real level. But still he says if he wants he will return when he's ready again no matter where we end up. So what to do?

Answer 1

You need to gain the control of this "relationship" if he hasn't gained any sort of balance in 20 years what makes you think he ever will, don' keep doing this to yourself and let go.

Answer 2

If you want to move on, then you have to move on. He can't return to your life and give it another go unless you let him. You are letting him keep you in reserve while he goes out and does whatever. He doesn't want to commit to you, but he doesn't want anyone else to have you, either. You are too good of a thing for him not to want you reserved for his later use. You are also too good of a thing to waste yourself on a man who cannot or will not give you what you need and want.

You have been delaying getting on with your life for years by letting this man return and disrupt what you are trying to accomplish. I am sure you have a lot of fond memories, but as far as achieving your goal of a permanent, loving and committed relationship, the time you have spent on this man is a waste.

Go on with your life, take action toward finding what you want. When/if he reappears, simply say no and don't let him in. He can have a relationship with the children without having much contact with you. He can be a father without you being part of the deal.

Don't let him back in the house. Don't talk about anything other than the kids with him. Make sure you have him paying child support and getting visitation through the court. After that, your life is yours and you are free to enjoy a relationship with a man who deserves you.

Answer 3

He leaves and comes back, refuses to commit, because you have accepted this abominable behavior. I can see forgive and forget once, maybe even twice, but after that you are just allowing bad behavior and he needs to have the welcome mat removed from your door.

If you truly are DONE with it, don't let him back into your life on an intimate level. Tell him that ship has sailed.
He's the father of your kids, and will thus always be part of your life, on some level, because of them, BUT.....
You deserve better than someone who doesn't have the sense to recognize a good thing when he sees it, only when he realizes he's about to have it yanked away.
What kind of message are you giving your children when you allow someone to treat all of you this way. The kids themselves will have problems committing and building trusting relationships because of their dad's constantly bailing out on the family. That damage may already be done.
Enough is enough, stop punishing yourself and tell him he can't come back as your partner anymore.

Answer 4

I'm not a man, but I have had a similar experiance.

I found that yes it is a little difficult to move on at first, and even harder to say no when he wants to come back, but in the end, I am finding it much easier on my own. I don't have a new man in my life, I am being picky this time (my child is still young, and I don't want men coming in and out of his life), but I know someday I will find a good man who truley loves me, and will be good to my son. And if not, I guess I'm OK with that too.

I know if you give it time, you will get over this too, and find happiness as well, and by the way you decribe yourself, you will find a good man worthy of you. This looser isn't!!!

Answer 5

Every man is afraid of committment; it's just that some cannot overcome that. It's primal nature: males have a need to go and find as many mates as possible. The vast majority of species in the animal kingdom have males which mate and leave.

Many men see a "family" as restrictive and something that will get in the way of being who they are. Although this is not your fault in any way, it sounds like you have done little to discourage his behavior. It seems like he is able to come and go as he pleases without any repercussions. This needs to stop. You may think it would make it harder on your kids to give him an ultimatum, but you must remember that your marriage comes FIRST. You must repair your relationship (if that's what you want) or end it completely (if that's what you want) if you want the children to have a healthy environment.

Answer 6

The penis is basically a mass of mushy tissue with many areas into which blood fills. for the period of an erection, the vessels in the penis have valves which enable the blood into the area yet would not enable it drain out. this suggests that an erection is in certainty tissue distended with blood. the dimensions of the erect penis relies upon on the quantity of tissue you're born with and the quantity of blood filling the areas. A vac um attracts extra blood into the penis so it swells as much as look better...yet that is approximately it. because of the fact it would not upload any further tissue so the penis would not actual get any better. its like preserving your breath to make your chest strengthen better. in certainty you extremely do no longer desire it to be better. whilst a great penis may well be an attraction, that is only useful once you're bare in front of the guy. by way of then you definately've already finished your preliminary plan. making a stable sexual better half is extra substantial and that has little or no to do with length. in certainty it may actual be an impediment often times. wish this helps.

Answer 7

I am a guy, and know where he might be coming from. Every guy like myself go through a phase called "Mid Life crisis" in the age in our '40's. I was told was going to happen to me, but did not know until it did. I started to look at myself in the mirror wondering about attraction by females. I began to lose weight, dying my hair, and bought better fitting clothes. I even had them tailored. As the women started talking to me, therefore went out behind my wifes' back. I could call it claim to fame before getting too old. I am now 58, and gained all my weight (fat), kept my hair gray, and glad did not get a divorce. Some guys would admit it , and others will not. I admit was a jerk with my wife and been sorry ever since.

Answer 8

First I want to say I'm sorry for your pain, and my answer to your question is not meant to be cruel or callous.

The sad, simple fact of the matter is men are not naturally wired for monogamy. That's a concept cherished by women and imposed on men, but it's not a perfect fit so it seldom holds the connection tightly.

In purely scientific terms it's all about the biological imperative... propagation of the species. Women get pregnant and nest, by necessity. Men are driven solely to impregnate by their base animal nature. The wider the variety the better for the gene pool. Thousands of years of removal from the jungle haven't significantly affected these drives at all, only dressed them up in socially acceptable costumes.

Men generally don't seek monogamy unless they're either too tired or insecure to succeed at the courtship game. They get off the carousel and stick by the woman they think is the best they are likely to do. That's a big reason so many fail in commitment the first time some PYT comes along and flatters their male vanity.

This may be hateful for you to consider, but every time your man pulls out of the relationship he has probably found somebody else he wants to bang for awhile. These temp relationships are only about sex and not as meaningful to him as the one with his family so he keeps coming back to you once he's done with the fling. There's probably no comfort in the thought, but at least he has decency enough to step out of your relationship when he means to stray instead of sneaking around and trying to have both at once, which is what most cheaters do.

You can't change him, and you can't keep him from changing, so you either accept him and his behavior or you dump him. You have to look out for yourself and what you want to be happy.

Answer 9

Connection issues. this guy won't. Not sure why success scares him so. Perhaps he is not happy because success is not as satisfying as he hoped. he is trying to fill something and he cannot do it. he inappropriately blame the living condition and relationship, but that is not the issue.
He is still in it for himself, and not you. His world is too small and will never satisfy him until something becomes larger than himself.
I am sorry you are going through this....I would let him leave and flush the toilet when he decided the first time. You have other people counting on you. You can't ignore them for him.

Answer 10

I believe it's because he never played the field enough when he was single.

He feels regret, and also might need to know he's "still got it". I know people like that.

What to do? - don't TAKE him back right away. If he comes back, tell him you're not done being made at him. Make him wait another six weeks (at least a month), and THEN, tell him that IF he can be loyal, he may be allowed back. Then, make him work for it - keep tabs on him, look at him sideways, let him know you're no fool.