I've told my son I wish he would wait until after college to get married & that I think he's moving too fast, but no matter what I tell him he's not going to call off the engagement...he's already asked her to marry him!! So the other day he asked me to make some calls for him pertaining to the engagement ring & I did, but my husband keeps telling me "Don't feed into it," "Don't encourage it," "You better have another talk with him." Don't I have the right to enjoy it since it's my first child to get married whether it's right or wrong? What are your opinions?
2007-08-11 02:26:41 · 24 answers · asked by ♥bigmamma♥ 6 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Also, my sons dad (my ex) is not supportive at all!!! He's pretty much disowned my son for this reason & I think I should be there for him & want to be there for him..
2007-08-11 02:56:18 · update #1
BTW, they are already living together!
2007-08-11 02:56:48 · update #2
Yes, they already plan on having a fairly long engagement.....1-2 years at least!
2007-08-11 06:09:53 · update #3
Like all others have posted, just be supportive, not judgmental. Offer advice and hope he takes some of it. Maybe encourage a looooong engagement. I know they haven't been living together too long. They are really gonna get to know each other better w/ each passing day. Anything could change, no need to rush into marriage. Just don't push too hard, which i know you won't. You don't want him running off to Vegas and leaving you out. You sound like you're doing a pretty good job so far. Encourage the importance of finishing college, so they can provide well for each other, and of course birth control. Just be there for him, he really needs you now, especially w/ all the negative influences that are around him.(dad and step-dad). How does her family feel about all this? Are they on board or oppose?
All in all, i definitely think 19 is too young to officially wed, but i don't see anything wrong w/ a strong commitment and long engagement. i hope everything works out for the best.
2007-08-11 03:19:54 · answer #1 · answered by sammie 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You have done your job raising your son. Now it is time to stand back and let him drive his life on his own. Yes, you have a right to enjoy this whether it is your first child to get married or your last. Just because he is engaged doesn't mean that he is getting married tomorrow. He may wait until he graduates college to make the final step. Either way it is your job as The Mom to be there for him as an adviser at this point. You may want to sit him down and explain to him that once he graduates he will be in a better position to support his new family and it would be wise to wait 'til then for the marriage part. After you have said your peace with that then just be there to support him in whatever he decides to do. If you push too hard you will alienate him and you do not want that. Have you met the girl yet? Maybe you could invite them both to dinner and discuss it there. If you are not comfortable discussing it with your husband there then invite them out just the 3 of you to a restaurant of your choosing. Good Luck and Congratulations on your gaining a new daughter.
2007-08-11 02:40:13 · answer #2 · answered by firemouse23 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I'm sorry to say but your son is over 18, he has legal disicion to marry his love. The only thing you can do is help them with the wedding and be happy that he's getting married. It really isnt your choice, it's his choice.
I had the same situation as your son. My husband was 19 and I was 20 when we were engaged. We're young but we had a year and half engagement. My parents didn't like it. The relationship between my parents and I was nearly destroyed at our wedding for the way they treated us (husband and I). We're, my parents and I, finally at talking terms (over a year later).
As for you husband he should be happy too. He doesn't have any say in the engagement. Not because he's not the real father because your son is a man now. Your son will be fine.
I know you want to tell him he's not ready because it's your motherly instinct but think if you're in the same situation.
I hope this helps you. I know it's hard to telling go a child but remember he's a man now and he can handle it. He'll always be your baby in your heart.
2007-08-11 13:38:16 · answer #3 · answered by asian-q-t 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I think there is a time in every parent's life where they should only advise there childern what to do in there life. Because the that is how they learn how to live life and also if you are a good parent they will mostly/always make the right choice. It is good that you let him know how you feel and have a reason to back up your point. But if you keep on saying that you dont want him to het married you might get even more distance between each other. So, since you have told him how you feel, it is all up to him to make the right choice.
2007-08-11 02:40:53 · answer #4 · answered by )*-*sweet*-*( 2 · 2⤊ 0⤋
He's 19 so anything you do to discourage him is going to cause him to be firmer on his commitment to marriage to show you he is mature enough. It's a fine line between discouragement and guiding him in the right direction.
I'm with you that I would want to discourage him until after college but at the same time I would want to enjoy it if I can't talk him out of it.
I think I would begin asking him if he KNOWS how he's going to earn money while trying to earn his degree and find time to study while he's working to support his wife and have time for his wife all at the same time. Do it in a way that makes him think for himself but not sound as if you are discouraging him. Try to direct him to the conclusion that he won't have time for his new wife or time for work or time for studying and sleep. Show him your bills and the amount of money that you make and time you spend while NOT going to college and do it as a economic lesson to HELP him and his new wife PREPARE for their own bills. Like what they could cut out of their or include in their own bills.
If you can't direct him to where he makes the connection or he ignores the obvious you've done all you can and he'll have to learn the hard way and you'll have no other choice than to give him your love and support. Good Luck. Been there done that and I almost accomplished it but she got pregnant. Emphasize birth control!!!!!
If they are living together already your job is even harder. If they are living together why do they have to get married right now? I'm sure you have already asked them that. Have you asked them if they have asked themselves that? There will be a lot of temptations for a 19 year old guy at college. And if he is working and going to school he and his new wife won't bond because he will be to busy. Marriage is so different from living together but you will not be able to convince him of that. Gosh I hope you can help him see the light.
2007-08-11 03:04:12 · answer #5 · answered by blastabuelliac 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
my husband was told at 9 year's old also and he has held a grunge against her since then. This child should have been told the truth long ago but know he really need's to be sit down and told the honest truth about who he is and who his real father is and what his real father is like. Tell him that this man has not offered to come and see him at all and you do not know where he is. This child will feel like he is lost of him own self and you may need to put him into child cousiling for this. This might mess him up of finding out that the man he always thought was his father and the man he loved is not his real father. I would just sit him down and tell him that you 2 need to talk and tell him the truth and then give him a chance to speak his mind and ask question's. do not be surprised if he flip's his mind and blow's up, it is natural exspecially finding out this. I wish you all the luck.
2016-05-19 21:32:25 · answer #6 · answered by lucille 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
This isn't about your enjoyment. This is about trying to help your son figure out what's best for him. He doesn't have to call off the engagement, but you can certainly encourage a long engagement. Maybe offer to pay for part of the wedding if he waits until he's finished college. Create incentives to help him get his ducks in a row before he gets married.
Your husband sounds like a reasonable bloke and you'd do well to listen to him.
2007-08-11 02:39:37 · answer #7 · answered by Penelope Smith 7 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Well unfortunately there is not a lot you can do to stop him. If he feels he is in love then he probably feels like nothing can get in the way of his feelings for this girl. He is 19 now and old enough to live and learn. I look at it as a good thing. Not a lot of 19 year old males are good men that would want to commit to a woman. It can all work out and it will keep him out of trouble.
2007-08-11 02:35:05 · answer #8 · answered by notthatiknow 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Enjoy the time while you can. At least he is involving you. Just have a talk with him about their financial situation,living arrangements, that kind of thing. maybe they are willing to make it a long engagement. maybe you son was afraid of losing her so he proposed to keep her the question is why he proposed so early. be there for your son. encourage him to make it a long engagement. to be prepared for his and his new fiance's future. you really don't want to lose your son over something that you have no control over all you can do is offer advice.
2007-08-11 02:33:30 · answer #9 · answered by ? 3 · 3⤊ 0⤋
I got married when i was 18, my husband was 21. My parents (dad and step mom) did everything under the sun to talk me out of it. They didnt enjoy it, in fact my step mom refused to come, and my dad almost didnt.
Almost 6 years later, im still very happily married, and my relationship with my parents still rocky.
I say enjoy it if its going to happen. Your first married off baby, is time for a mama to enjoy.
2007-08-11 02:42:59 · answer #10 · answered by Cebsme 6 · 2⤊ 0⤋