I have posted this before but I didn't get many responses and I'd like some nice creative criticism too thanks.
Burial For Love.
You're buried out with the bones of my dead memories in the backyard mortuary next to the cemetary of long gone dreams.
You used to mean everything but now you mean nought, no more do I wish to sought for feelings not worth it and best left forgotten since I've fought them too many times over again and again.
It's no use holding onto to something that goes around and around whining like a broken recording on forever spin.
All's fair in love and war they say but I think nay, everyone has to pay to eventually win.
6/8/07
© S.N.Hammond.
PS: Nobody even think about plagarizing this ethier!
2007-08-10 23:51:48 · 13 answers · asked by ♆Şрhĩņxy - Lost In Time. 7 in Arts & Humanities ➔ Poetry
Luner can suck on a mouldy cock!
2007-08-11 11:50:40 · update #1
very good you must be strong to write a poem about letting go of someone you Love.
2007-08-10 23:57:16 · answer #1 · answered by catsclaw 6 · 3⤊ 0⤋
I like your style of writing. In the first line though you have burial in the mortuary next to the cemetary but a mortuary isn't a place of burial its where they hold the dead before burying in the cemetry. You could swap mortuary and cemetary and it would be better.
To keep the theme of the poem you should also rewrite the last line. It's much shorter and cuts off the work because it doesn't have the same meter. In fact the meter is out on all the lines but you can get away with it better on the first three lines.
2007-08-11 00:10:52 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 3⤊ 0⤋
You're buried out with the bones of my dead memories in the backyard mortuary next to the cemetary of long gone dreams.
You used to mean everything but now you mean nought, no more do I wish to sought for feelings not worth it and best left forgotten since I've fought them too many times over again and again.
It's no use holding onto to something that goes around and around whining like a broken recording on forever spin.
All's fair in love and war they say but I think nay, everyone has to pay to eventually win..
wow i copied it
2007-08-10 23:54:52 · answer #3 · answered by Dev Mack 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
ehe adjuective 'dead' for memories is rather galling. Memorie may be about the dead but they are very much alive and kicking us. If they are dead either the memoriser is no more or he no more remembers them . In the latter case neither the death of the departed torments nor a poem is born
The following line is a repetition of the same position.Memories of the dead may be painful but some could as well be pleasant.Why run away from them? They are the last tenuous link holding you together.
The comparison of memory with a scratched record is also unkind unless the events which evoked them were all painful. But deliberately obliterating them was worse than killing the one being remembered.
And lastly do you believe that forgetting is winning. It is rather killing.
Do you know why the departed souls appear again and again to those who were near and dear to them.They are plaintively pleading them not to forget them.That is their last ,tenuous link with life. With them gone what remains is eternal darkness.
2007-08-11 00:25:24 · answer #4 · answered by Prabhakar G 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Very good. Thoughts and feelings are clear to the reader. It exposes an experience you have personally gone through and I like it alot. BUT this is prose, not poetry. In some ways more difficult to write because it requires a rhythmn w/o rhyme.
2007-08-11 00:19:14 · answer #5 · answered by syllylou77 5 · 3⤊ 0⤋
super Poem, very heartfelt. properly the only effective grievance i will furnish is that it purely approximately shall we us comprehend the story, yet no longer fairly. wish that would not sound impolite I enjoyed it lots , purely stumbled on myself asking questions like Did she ever comprehend he enjoyed her , why did she circulate away , did he no longer tell her his thoughts and he or she moved on .... and easily so which you get of venture to fireside returned , right here is one in each of mine New pals The day which you left me, I felt so all on my own. yet rapidly new pals, made their presence popular. soreness, he got here into my coronary heart promising to stay i've got felt his aching presence daily. Grief additionally got here to me he lingers in my eyes his tears fall for all to make certain him i'm no longer able to hide Torture and Torment brothers that joined the group they went deep interior my soul the place they are able to be unseen The day which you left me you left me no longer on my own yet you took exhilaration and Happiness the others took their living house.
2016-10-10 00:01:21 · answer #6 · answered by doelling 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Why would anyone think of plagiarising this drivel? It's incoherent and mawkish. Also your use of words like nought and nay is just embarrassing!
2007-08-11 00:20:27 · answer #7 · answered by Lunerousse 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
i think the rhymes r not all right everywhere... think it over one more time, and i suggest u to shorten the lines and follow only one type of rhymes. good luck
2007-08-10 23:58:02 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
poem consists of rhymes, stanza, symbolism. yours is like a prose. Visit site AUTHOR ASSIST COM. ensure self under sun.
2007-08-11 00:07:20 · answer #9 · answered by wilma m 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Pretty deep...Not a bad poem at all, keep up the good work.
2007-08-10 23:55:46 · answer #10 · answered by Guido32 2 · 3⤊ 0⤋