Is he gunna hate me for it...?

Question

Ok, I have been with my fella for about 7 yrs. I am only 22 so you can imagine I have not "played the field" like most people my age. It has never bothered me before. I have been content in my grown up life with my kids and my job and my mortgage. Recently I have been feeling very resentful towards my partner and myself for missing out on those precious youthful experiences. I know it was entirely my choice to live the life i do and I suppose I think, "I made my bed so lie in it". I kinda spoke to him lastnite about it and he says if i wanna go live the single life for a while its fine because he doesn't want me to sdo it behind his back???? How can it be? Surely he is just saying that to test me, if I actually said, "OK see ya in a couple of months after I've shag*ed half the town" the relationship would be ruined regardless of whether I did it behind his back or not? I just cannot stop thinking that I will live for the rest of my life with regrets, your thoughts people please?

Thanks for your comments so far guys. You know sometimes you need someone else to look at a situation from angles that you haven't. x

Answer 1

i can relate to what you're going through. Im also 22 and ive been with my fiance for almost 4 years now. We dont have children together though which makes your situation a little different. Well about a month ago i was feeling the same way. We're engaged and we're getting married soon, and i just couldnt stop thinking about how he's going to be the only person in my life, out of so many people. I guess i was just feeling so limited and confined. So i brought up having an open relationship, and asked if we could both just see other people but stay together. So anyways, he said he's been thinking the same thing lately. So we came to an agreement that we'll have rules, like if you find someone else to be with intimately you can't keep in close contact afterwards, always use protection, always be completely honest about everything and so forth. Well nothing has happend yet because ive been unsure, and he wants me to be the one to make the final decision. Anyways, i dont think he's trying to test you. Guys dont think the same way as girls do, it's usually us trying to test our men. Maybe he said you can go live the single life if you want to, because he might actually want to try it too but just might be afraid to tell you, since women are more sensitive. He might not want to hurt you. When my fiance said he's been feeling the same way, honestly it did hurt me a little bit, but i felt like i had no right to be upset because i was the one who said i wanted it first. So i was going to ask a question about open relationships on here, but when i typed it in, other peoples similiar questions popped up and i began to read other peoples responses, and one of the responses that really stuck in my head was someone saying: Sooner or later one is going to take things further than the other wants to go. And, what about STD's, AIDS, unplanned pregnancies, and when someone wants to leave their spouse to be with the other person. These couples aren't immune to these things. If someone is jealous, how can it help watching your partner having sex with someone else as one couple said they were doing. These same things applies if you're in a supposedly committed relationship without marriage. The marriage/relationship will eventually break down. (that is exactly what they said, i copied and pasted) So thats what made me really start thinking. I know you didnt exactly ask about open relationships, but my same thoughts will apply to you too i'm sure. I thought, what if i really do start falling for this other guy (already even had one in mind) and then i end up abandoning my current relationship? and then soon to find out, it doesnt work out with me and the new guy, but then it's too late, and i ruined my first relationship for nothing. It's just like the person i quoted said, we're not immune to these things and we dont know what will happen. And he could be telling you go for it do what you want, and really mean it, but then end up to feel different about it once it's been done. It really comes down to the question of whether or not your current relationship is worth it or not to jeopardise. You just have to go into this knowing if you do go out and live the single life for a while, there MIGHT not be any going back, regardless of what you guys agree upon.

Answer 2

I think everyone gets the "urge" to feel the green grass under their toes, but I think you would really regret it later.

Suppose you did "cut loose" for a month or two, and then wanted to settle back down at home with your mortgage and the green lawn and kids. How can that relationship ever be the same? Surely, there will be underlying questions and pressure from the times you were out.

Jealousy, envy and resentment? Stresses on the relationship? And you may just find that you don't even want to come home at all. Then what will happen to that mortgage and the kiddoes and the robins dancing on the lawn?

I think we may like to fantasize about what we missed in our lives, but it is very risky to actually go out and find it. I always have a saying: Be careful what you wish for, because you might just find it!

You might have a few regrets later on about what you may have missed, but I have a feeling that the regrets you will have if you go out of your home will be much greater, if you are unfaithful, get a disease or lose the respect of your family. Those are things that are much harder to deal with than wondering what "Life could have been like if..."

Answer 3

Why should you regret? You didn't miss anything, on the contrary I think you have made the best out of if. While some others could be wandering to nowhere doing nothing with nobody, you have had your man, your kids, home, an aim to live for and live with. If you just feel bored, why not try something new, like... back to school (if the kids are big enough to leave them for a while), go to clubs with him,... there are lots of things you both can do together to enjoy life, be a bit creative.

You are only 22. You still have a life ahead. I wish I could be that young again and done with the things you did!

You are great!

Hope you enjoy your life.

Answer 4

I know exactly what you mean. I have felt resentment for losing my youth to a relationship and it doesn't go away. I do think your boyfriend is testing you so be careful! Here's what you do:

1. Take a break from your boyfriend. Being apart from him will help you see clearly whether you can be without him or miss him more.
2. Stay with your boyfriend and make it work, putting your thoughts about 'missing out' behind you. It might not be worth losing your man over this.

You know best. You're still young and have plenty of time no matter what you choose.

Answer 5

I understand exactly where you're coming from, but I can guarantee you, you're not missing out on anything. Try going out once a week or so with some friends. Look around at what your life would be like single. Sometimes the grass isn't always greener on the other side. We all have these ruts we go through. Think hard before making any rash decisions.

Answer 6

Wow. Most men would probably take a hike after hearing your feelings. Your man must really trust you, or he's desperate to keep you by giving in to your "curiosities". I guarantee you though, if you play, he'll want a turn too. Are you up for that? The grass is not greener on the other side! I am ashamed to say it, but I have been there.

P.S. What would your children think of you if they ever found out? I can bet they'd be very disappointed!

Answer 7

7yrs is a long time to take a chance on throwing it away. You've established a relationship and even if you feel you've missed out on something your exactly are envied by many that you have what you do and haven't lost it. So many people out here only dream of finding that ONE person that they can share their life with 4-ever and you did it at a very young age!! You should be so proud of yourself that your partner has just left you for the same reason. He sounds like his very content with you. Trust me here when I say this. You haven't missed out like you think. What you think you missed out on is dating around. Please been there done that and it sucks!!
Just about the time you THINK you've someone everything gets screwed up and then your all alone again and starting all over trying to meet someone and trying to get to know them and hope you don't look desperate to them or just plain stupid. Your very lucky and need to just see what all you have now that you would be throwing away, and for what?? A STD maybe. Think about what you really have first and then decide is it really wroth losing.

Answer 8

I had a Gfriend for 5 years and I was older than her and had experienced alot of things she didnt. She was 18 when I met her and I was 22. We were friends for a year and were together and she didnt experience anything. Now we are broken up cuz I wanted to get married and have a family. Well she decided that she wanted to have fun and I gave her what she wanted. She went dancing\bar hopping and on other dates. For a few months we talked off n on but now she is wanting to get back together and says she did kiss other guys but swears she never had sex with any1 else cuz I was her 1st and only love. Igave her room and now we are stronger than ever even though we are not really together. Our sex is alot better and she understands that other guys only want sex and cant ever give her what she deserves. So maybe thats what you need to see that you might just need a break to see what you have

Answer 9

he just does not want to live a lie. It would better to get hurt right away then worse later after finding out that he was being lied to. Why would those "precious" experiences be better with other people? If you had been with others then that would mean that you made bad choices and ended up with the wrong people. What do you really want?

Answer 10

I'm 20 and married and have a kid. I know I won't get to live that life, but that's ok with me. I love my family and they make me happier than the sinlgle party life ever could. If my husband let me act like a 20 single year old...I wouldn't be able to do it. How could you forgive yourself if you did that? You'd be mature and regret hanging out with people who do not share your priorities. You'd feel foolish for missing out on really being there for the people who mean the most to you. Family is all you've got. So you didn't get to live that life...so what! Dedicate yourself to your children and man, without them...who would you be? That girl that sleeps around and parties?