what do you think about 2nd chances after an affair?

Question

i am having a very hard time forgiving my husband for having an affair. should i give him another chance

Answer 1

Second chances may work if both parties go to a therapist and find out what problems let to the behavior. My experience--two marriages they don't work. In my case it had to do with the fact we had different goals.
I don't know if this will be helpful to you, but it maybe something to consider.
Years of research by psychologist have shown that most long-term marriages have some very common factors. Lack of any two or more of these factors indicates there is high probability the marriage will not last. (Long term –is defined as a marriage of more than 20 years)

1.Both parties married at age 25 or older.
2.Religious compatible (example: Jews + Hindu just do not work)
3.Common goals (someone likes a simple life, not chasing material wealth or career and some that is very goal minded for gaining as much material wealth as possible, together they do not make a lasting marriage. Another example, a conflict over having children).
4.Social economical compatible (poor + rich only works in the movies)
5.Financial responsible (debt is the number one cause of divorce)
6.Open Communications (agree that it is ok not to agree, tell each other your most hidden secrets, keeping the secrets from everyone, no name calling, and etc)
7.Both parties are very much alike (opposite may attract, but they do not make for a lasting marriage)
8.Sexual compatible (variety in sexual act is good, but a partner that finds some acts repulsive, does not make a lasting marriage).
9.Both individuals are not egoist. (a egoist believes that everyone would be happy by making them happy)
10.Neither party to the marriage has a history of abusing drugs/alcohol/money.
11.Both individuals do not have not mental illnesses

Answer 2

I think you need to consider the state of your marriage long before the affair. Was the marriage doing well before? Was there abuse or other major problems, such as substance abuse?

An affair is a major trauma to a relationship. But, many marriages DO survive this and rebuild. It takes lots of effort and time to heal.

Has your husband ended contact with the affair partner and is remorseful? Is he willing to do whatever is necessary to rebuild trust?

It will take time and your husband earning your trust for you to get to a point of forgiveness. Early on, there is just to much pain and anger.

A good book about affair recovery:
"Not Just Friends" by S. Glass

It might be helpful for you to talk with other's who have been through this also. Following a few support groups of helpful people:

http://www.lifesaviors.com/SI/

http://survivinginfidelity.com/

It's hard to say if your marriage will survive this. Some do, some don't. If you have children together, it might be worth giving it a try. You don't have to make any big decisions right away.

Answer 3

Depends. If he is truly sorry, is making an effort to change, is open with you about where he is, where he's going, who he's with, etc if you ask, and if he is not repeating the activities that led to the affair, then consider giving him a second chance. It will be difficult, and you'll need to work as hard as he does to put it behind you, but it can be done if both of you want it.

If he cheats again, kick him to the curb and don't look back. Once can be a mistake and be forgiven. Twice isn't.

If on the other hand he doesn't think he's done anything wrong, then there's little chance that the relationship can be saved.

Answer 4

Trust is one of the hardest things to gain back after it has been shattered, especially by an affair. Have you asked yourself what he needs to do or show you in order to start earning back the trust that he lost? Until you know the answer to that question you can not really begin to start again. Once you do have the answer to that question then let him know what it is that you need for him to do in order for you to move forward. Even if you do decide to give him a second chance you are allowed to change your mind if you feel that you can not continue with the relationship. I would seriously suggest couples counseling to get you started with patching things up. Getting to the root cause of what caused the affair to begin with will help you to understand how and why it all happened and to not let it get to that point again. Be prepared to hear some things that will be hurtful though. Good Luck

Answer 5

That's a tough one,I'm sorry to hear you had to go through that.I guess it depends on your capacity to forgive,its a hard choice to make when you know you will never forget the anguish he put you through,it took me years to come to terms with this situation.I decided to stay but my situation involved a child,if my daughter was not in the picture I'm sure i would have left.Even five years later i think about it sometimes, and i still get pissed.You two may get past this,and i hope you do but its hard to forgive and you may never trust him again like you did before.The relationship between me and my wife has changed,some parts are better than they were before but I feel a loss of trust that i dont think will ever come back.I guess it depends on how far you are willing to go,its a tough choice.

Answer 6

when i was a kid, my mom used to tell me "trust is like a balloon. once you break it, you never get it back." there are occasions where a straying spouse "sees the light" and comes back for good, but i am in your camp. i could not forgive my husband for an affair for two reasons. 1, i am dedicated to my marriage and would never do that to him, and 2, how can i ever be sure again? should i worry every time he's late, or not where he said he'd be, even though it could very well be an innocent reason? it's different for all people, but for me, i would have to opt out. the commitment just wasn't there from his side.

Answer 7

You have to answer the question of why he cheated on you first. I think you can forgive a cheater and have a wonderful stronger relationship. Thae catch is you have to both be committed to change. You know, problems don't just happen. It's the little things over time that drive these bigger problems. Buuut...if he's a selfish person and cheated because that's just his way then drop that man and don't look back! Good luck to you.

Answer 8

to me it depends on the situation. did he confess or did you have to find out. was he really sorry or really angry? does he take responsibility or does he blame you or the other woman? I do think it's possible to give someone another chance and have it work out but it depends on so many things. If I did give him another chance and he ever lied again even about smaller things I would be done. Trust is so hard to rebuild, it's possible but if he's really commited then I think it might be worth the chance. you don't have to forgive right now. Take time to work through your feelings and process it. Go to therapy together and seperately. Take your time and see how it goes.

Answer 9

Personally, I don't give second chances. That's just me, I couldn't forgive something like that, I would never be able to forget about it and move on. If you think you can and if you are wanting to, give him another chance. But, what's to stop him from doing it again?

Answer 10

Is it the the only affair he had, one mistake can be forgiven, more than once, no way. You will have a hard time forgiving him for a long time, probably never completely. He will have to earn your trust, and understand if you are suspicious of him.