If our child had deformities, what would you to?

Question

My best friend is 5 months pregnant. She recently found out that her child has severe physical deformities and possible other complication. I dont know all of the details. I am 7 weeks pregnant and it made me think "What would I do if I found this out?". I have an uncle with Down Syndrome and while my family loves him dearly, he is ALOT of work and doesnt have much quality of life. I am not a strong advocate of abortion but I think that I will be very supportive of her in this situation. She and her husband were so excited about this pregnancy. She would not be able to stay home full-time to take care of a disabled child. Maybe it is selfish - I dont know but I think I would make the same decision. If you were in her situation, what would you do?

Please no "burn in hell" comments. This is only a question and I am asking for your opinion, not your judgement. Thanks.

I don't think it is weak for people to admit they could not handle it. Truth is --- we all probably think we could handle it -- but when your doctor utters those words, you dont know if you would do the same thing. Until you walk a mile....dont judge.

Answer 1

I would have the baby and we'd just adjust our lives. I carry no prejudice against disabled people. The way I see it, nobody's perfect. Even my kids who look perfect aren't actually perfect and they are a lot of work. Quality of life depends on the amount of love you get, not anything else, so your uncle with Downs is probably having a very wonderful life, just the way it is. So I would have a baby no matter how disabled the doctor's predicted he/she would be.

Perhaps if your friend had MORE support from society for having a disabled child, she wouldn't be going through such a rough time. Instead, everybody is probably telling her she should get an abortion...to the point where she might feel that she'd get no sympathy or support from anybody if she doesn't.

Answer 2

I'm 7mths pregnant and b4 the test i had worries, thankfully my tests were perfect but had they come back the way your friends had then id seriously consider ending the pregnancy, Ive been around a child with deformities and it's not easy, especially if she has other children, that child will always need more care, more attention. it takes a stronger person in my opinion to terminate the pregnancy than to fool themselves into thinking they can handle it if they have doubts, cause in the long run if they give it a go and cant then what will happen, the child goes to a group home or an institution and what kinda life is that., alot of people do it and Ive seen it first hand,
people say god does things for a reason - well what good reason does god have to do that to a little baby??? what reason does god have to do half the things he does in this world?? I'm sick of people using god as an answer, tell your friend to get a second opinion, go through her options and do what is best for her, stand by her without judgment and with full support cause she will need it, and tell her not to listen to people that can only speculate what they would do, cause I'm sure half of the people saying they would have it either wouldn't or would maybe have regrets when they looked into the child's eyes and sore pain and the hardship they had to go thought day after day

Answer 3

I think I would dedicate my time to giving this child the best life possible. Yes they do take a lot of time but still this child is a part of you...something you made and that God gave you for a reason. There is assistance to help money wise to care for a disabled child if you qualify...so I have heard. There always could be a chance that she could have the baby and everything turn out okay...it could be a test to see what you would do? Just take into consideration that disability, deformed, or whatever else...it is still an innocent living being, and deserves a chance. If they can not handle it there is always adoption. A lot ofpeople change their minds once they hold their baby....I say stick it out and then go from there.

Answer 4

I can understand why she would decide to have an abortion, if she truly thinks that she will not be able to handle this situation, for whatever reason. But, there's no easy out here. I am Pro Choice, BUT, I can tell you from personal experience, I was born with a severe physical deformity, and my mother loved me just the same. She NEVER made me feel like a "disabled" child. Since then, with the right doctors' care, I walk, I went to public school, I ride a bike, I went to college, I got a degree in Biology and Chemistry, and I am giving citizen, that offeres a lot. I am now currently pregnant with my first child (30 weeks along), and because I'm not considered "high risk" I have not had but one ultrasound (the routine one at 19 weeks to determine the sex of the baby), and there could still be a possibility that what I was born with, will be passed on to my son.
My doctor did me justice when I asked him where we would go with it if my son turned out to have what I have... I asked him if there was anything I could do, and he said point blank to me: "If the baby has it, are you going to abort it?" (this is what I love about my doctor - he shoots it to me straight) .. I thought about it, and said "No." He said, "OKay, we'll deal with it as it comes."
That was all I needed to hear. My mother gave me a chance, knowing the risks involved, and the possible mental challenges I would have, as well as obvious physical ones, and I felt my son deserved the same chance. Like I said, I'm Pro Choice, and there are A LOT of physical deformities that are so detrimental, that there would be a very low quality of life, but in this situation, your friend has to ask herself, is she willing and strong enough to take on this challenge. It sounds like it's going to be a challenge, but can she live with herself not knowing if her child could have had a satisfying life, and made her proud, or not. Either way, she doesn't have much time. 6 months is the cut off for abortion, so she's got a really hard decision to make, but she needs to go ahead and make it.
I lean toward not having an abortion, unless it's an absolutely devistating physical deformity, but even then, can it be fixed? In today's society and medical world, a lot can be done to help physical deformities. But whatever she decides, she needs to be okay with its ramifications, and lay that decision to rest. Either accept it, and move on either way, or don't.
Good luck with everything, I know how painful this must be.

Answer 5

That can be a tough question...I'd have to say i'd be heartbroken and afraid, but I don't think I could get an abortion, either. I don't believe in it, and as another poster said, I believe that everything does happen for a reason and also God does not give us more than we can handle, even if it feels like it at times! It's still not the child's fault for sure, and there are so many programs, etc. out there to help disabled kids learn what they can and have the best life that they can. It would be extremely hard and self sacrificing...but, I'd say I would still have the child.

Answer 6

Ideally, I'd like to keep the baby no matter what. However, if there was something wrong with them to the point that they would never live a happy life (constantly being in pain, constant surgeries, not being able to have a REAL child hood), it would be hard not to consider my options. I would look into other options from the state first, before I would look into abortion. That just wouldn't be the right decision for me.

Answer 7

I am pro -life, but that also means I am Pro about the child having a good life, so it would depend on what those other "complications" were. It is all about the CHILD, not if the parents feel like taking care of him/her. A true parent loves their child regardless. If the child was going to be in a state that is next to being in a coma with their eyes open and no brain activity, then I would say give them back to God, that was hard for me to even write. My heart goes out to them.

Answer 8

Personally, I could not do it. I would want to know about any problems, so I could be better prepared, but I would not terminate. I don't personally think I would be good enough to take care of a disabled child, but I have faith that I could rise to the occasion if necessary.

Your friend needs to get second and third opinions. Ultrasound is not perfect, nor is the Alpha Fetal Protein test which often givens false positives for problems.

Answer 9

There are several options out there for her besides termination. First off if her child has that bad of a birth defect the state will pay her disability for the child to help support the family as well as home care nurses etc. Her doctor should have referred her to resources as soon as this was discovered. have her talk to her doc and possibly call the local children's hospital for references to pediatricians who handle disabilities.

Answer 10

I have been in that situation but with my daughter they told us she would only survive a couple of weeks out side the womb. We terminated the pregnancy because we didn't think it was fair to make her suffer a slow, painful death.
It is easy for people to say there anti-abortion but when put in this situation it becomes very hard to decide what to do.