It's been a while but I have another one?

Question

My World's End

by: Yoselis Ramos

I open my eyes
Looking at what sorrounds me
Darkness, a lone heart, an empty soul
My feet drag me through the dark space
I feel cold air splashing my face
The reality of my heart unfilled
Brings rain pouring on me

I've been kissed
By far worse than death
But by Cupid
This vicious fiend is the reason
For my mourn of love

I met his crystal eyes
And the end of life
I was dazed, hypnotized
And completely his
His voice:
The melody to my soul
His smile:
Light to all my fears
My world filled with pink and butterflies
Soon to be a living hell

A fray against reality
Dreaming you would once look my way
Drawing my sword
But the shot already going through my flesh
Simply knowing I will never be a part of your heart
Brought the end to my world

Thank you Person. for your suggestions. They really are helpfull and I definately agree with the ponctuation, but I've seen a lot of people on here who dont prefer the periods and the commas, but you're right. thank you!

Answer 1

Hi... so you enjoy poetry? And you ask of my opinion?

hm, well can ya take it like a poet maybe? lol


Now, don't take meh wrong, I love da poem, it has meaning and depth.

BUT, a few suggestions maybe?

Here:

First I would add in a lil' more punctuation.
Example:

I met his crystal eyes,
and the end of life.
I was dazed, hympnotized,
And completely his.
His voice:
the melody to my soul.
His smile:
Light to all my fears.
My world filled with pink and butterflies,
soon to be a living hell.

See? doesn't the punctuation create beneficial pauses and do wonders for ya poem?

Now, The "his voice:" and the "his smile:"

I understand that by doing this twice, you're attemtping to add in some style... which is good. But, the : thing sorta takes away from the poeticness lol

Here:

I'd do:

His voice so soft...
the melody to my soul.
His smile so bright...
light to all my fears.

The three dots give it style as well, but don't take attention from the poem as much as the :

see what I mean?

well, do what you want, just lettin' ya know my opinion. But, good job.

keep writin'









edit. no problem, any time.

Answer 2

The writing is a bit unfocused, but you have a good premises with the yearning for love being a difficult thing to bare. thats something EVERYONE can read and understand.

I would much rather see a poem like yours, with meaning, than a hollow well written poem. Anyway, its easy to improve your writing style if you pay attention to HOW you write.

Answer 3

Usually...I don't like most of the Y!A love poems; happy, sad, suicidal...however, you pulled me through this one with poetic machinery. Very good.

Answer 4

Wow this is the greatest poem I've read on this site today and the second best I've read on this site.

Answer 5

beautiful write

can i suggest that you may want to consider posting your poetry somewhere else?

www.gspoetry.com is a great writing community! i been there for about a year and i love it...check it out!

Answer 6

I like it. Now I am not pro but I have had a couple printed.

Answer 7

That is very nice. It has a great poetic mastery.