Unsatisfied Husband...Can it be fixed?

Question

Growing up I was told that black women don't know how to be strong and submit to their husbands. So I made it my business to be smart, beautiful, successful and a good wife and mother. Now my hubby thinks I am too giving to him and our boys. WTF? I stay home with the kids but I also have a full-time job (at night), I cook, clean, helped him through school, helped start and run his business and give it to him anyway he likes. I also work out and make sure I am always sexy even though I have 3 children. So what is the problem? Men (especially black men) say they can't find a good woman but when they have one why do they still complain? My hubby said he is unhappy but couldn't find 1 thing I was doing or not doing that contributed to it. What do I do? How do I stop being to "giving" without not being me? He even admitted that I do everything he ever wanted from a wife and mother. Is it just a fact that men are never satisfied? I don't believe in divorce but is that where I am headed?

I only added the "black"part because it is very hard to find successful "black" couples where we both come from. That was one of the things that we both agreed on. I do not take much time for myself, I feel that I made the choice to become a wife and mother so I do it to the best of my ability. This whole thing started because I was too tired to go on a drive with him and the kids last weekend even though I was exhausted. Sometimes I do feel like I am losing myself but I love being a wife and a mother. I work because that is my outlet away from the home and I get to use my degree and make money at the same time. He says I need a backbone (when it comes to my family) but if I even stray from what he wants, it is WW3. The only thing I ask of him is affection and to take out the trash. Although he is a good guy he has only said I love you twice in 10 months and that was when we renewed our vows.

Bob- he never saw any images of a godly relationship. No one in his family has a successful marriage. He grew up with lots of unhappy women and he lost his mom at a very young age (due to his step-father) and that has made him very bitter. His family says I remind him of his mother but even that is a problem for him.

He never says I look good (or hug or kiss me) but if someone even looks in my direction he has a fit. A contractor who was working on the house we purchsed next door was flirting and he had a fit even though he watched form our balcony and saw that I didn't flirt back.

Answer 1

I wonder what kind of upbringing he had. Did he see the men in his life bounce from woman to woman? Did he see a man who loved his wife for a lifetime?
He needs to see what godly manhood involves. I admire you for being what this man wants and needs. I am sorry that your efforts are not being returned. I understand how that feels.

Answer 2

That's because he's unhappy with himself, not you really, and immature. He wants the excitement of a different woman - not necessarily A DIFFERENT WOMAN. Men do like to look at other women, perhaps a bit more than women do men...its always been this way. However, what they ACT ON in regard to their behavior is the real tell tale sign. Could just be your husband could use a couple of guy friends, levelheaded friends, to talk to...but the fact he is making you feel unworthy by such comments is not a good thing for your marriage. You both might benefit from counseling.

I hate the stereotypes of "black" people, I really do. There may be some tendencies, but we can't be judging a "book" by its "cover", rather, we need to look closer at individuals and their needs and the reasons why they are not satisfied with their life/lives.

I don't think this is about you, I think it is about him - he needs to grow up and appreciate what he has, or talk to someone who as a 3rd party can help him to see how good he's got it. -And maybe you need some self-assertive training not to be, what he seems to perceive, as a "doormat".

Goodluck, I applaud what you've done and tried to do...but I really think he needs a whole lot more help than you!

Grace

Answer 3

Ok. Basically what he is saying, from what I understand, is that he wants to do things for himself. So let him do things for himself. Stop being giving...you don't have to stop being giving to your boys...just your husband. Don't put out as much...make him work for it. Don't do his laundry or clean up after him. When he doesn't clean up or whanot. Ask him nicely to. For example "Hey baby, do you think you could clean up your plate from dinner please?" If he doesnt, let it sit there. I know this will be really annoying! But do it! Let him realize all of the things you do. Men are used to working for things...when things get to easy they become bored. You should get your hair done and go out shopping for some sexy outfits. Walk around in your new clothes and hair cut like you are the queen cause you are. If you don't want to do any of those things, you could also plan an exciting trip. Something that he could never see you doing. Like sky-diving or something. And go by yourself or with a group of girlfriends. Or go back to school to get a different degree. Your main concern is no longer him, he has made it clear that he does not appreciate you. Your main concern now is yourself and your boys. I believe that a divorce can be avoided if you work out the problem in the appropriate manner. The things I mentioned may seem a little out there...but talking to him is obviously not going to get you anywhere. You've already talked about it, and HE doesn't even know what the problem is. Maybe couples therapy is a good option also so he can learn how to communicate? Good luck! I hope everything works out for you.

Answer 4

Hold on lady, first of all who ever told you that about black women, is a lie. Secondly, the man you married does not reflex on other black men. And that statement you made about especially black men are not satisfied and you base this upon the man you married? I think you need to back up and apology! The problem you have lies within the man whom you married, because he doesn't know how to appreciate a woman like you. Any man with common sense would love to have a wife like you, period! No matter what his skin color, they would be truly satisfied.

If he can't answer you when you ask him why is he unhappy, I could only think of is three reasons. 1) like I said early, that he don't know how to appreciate a woman/wife like you. 2) he have too many negative things in his head that he have listen to other married men (from all races of men) about their wives and he can't find a single fault in you. 3) He is unhappy with himself. Men can be very satisfied with a woman or wife like you.

Do you remember this phrase from one of the Osmond song?...Don't let one bad apple spoils the whole bunch girl...

Answer 5

I would say give him some time to himself to try and figure out what is it that he does not like, it can't be "you are too giving". There is another problem which he needs to figure out. Another thing is if a guy realizes that you are too good for him, he might feel guilty if he did anything wrong and would blame it on something else. I say talk to him and let him know how much you love him, and if he wants you to "stop giving", let him know that, that is who you are and you can't change that. let him know he needs to spend some time maybe writing in a journal or talking to Yahoo answers, or just think about what is bothering him. Hope this helps, i don't have much experience in marriage, married for a year, but i have already learned that marriage is something you have to put an effort into...anyways...

Answer 6

Hey, you sound like Wonder Woman to me!! He isn't satisfied?? He can't tell you why but, he can complain that something isn't exactly right and he doesn't know what it is. You need to start showing interests in something other than him. You are smart, beautiful, successful, a good wife and mother and keep your appearance up. If he doesn't like it, someone else surely will. You are everything he has ever wanted in a wife and mother and still, it isn't enough??????????? Tell him that you are ready to start shopping for something that makes you happy. See how he likes that. Tell him that he needs to recognize a good, strong and faithful black woman before he loses one!!

Answer 7

It is interesting that you said you had to be both strong and had to submit. I think that is the root of your problem right there. Strong men or women do not submit. Men and women who submit are not strong. It's an automatic contradiction. It sounds like you married a man who wants to control you, but you don't want to be controlled - and trust me, if you allowed yourself to be controlled, your man would hate you for it and would walk all over you. What you need to realize is that every relationship thrives on a certain tension and friction. It is natural. It means that there are two good and strong people involved, and that can be wonderful. Don't run away from tension and conflict, embrace it and enjoy it. It's what makes life wonderful!

Answer 8

Girl, stop! Your husband is obviously taking you for granted. You sound so good, I would marry you! lol. But seriously, you need to ask yourself if you really Love your husband and does he really Love you. I admire you trying to be the perfect wife/mother, but don't do it at the expense of losing yourself. Take time to make yourself happy first. Exert your independence and be assertive. If something is bothering you, speak up instead of being a people pleaser. You sound like a wonderful lady so make sure you demand to be treated as such. If you husband continues to complain, perhaps try a spiritual counselor in your area that can help you both communicate your needs to each other.
Good Luck!

Answer 9

I think you may be doing too much for him and the family and he may feel as though he is not "the man". Try being a little helpless and let him solve some problems or deal with situations and then praise him on how you couldn't do it without him. This will make him feel in charge and strong. But don't tell him that it's fake!

Answer 10

Maybe it's not you that he is unsatisfied with it's himself. If he has told you your everything he ever wanted then....I mean you could try playing hard to get you say you give it to him any way he likes make him work for it, a couple nights out the week don't cook dinner. Maybe just step out of your routine and see if that shakes things up a bit! He may find that he likes you better being giving than not.