"Life Without You" poem. Please comment?

Question

~Life Without You~

I don't pretend anymore
That I am fine this way;
It's the truth, it was a lie
All the times I said "Im okay."

But I have learned a lot since then--
The night when all went blurry--
A broken heart can't be healed,
By tears or laughter or fury.

But they look at me as if I'm ill,
Or like I'm half insane.
I know they only want to help,
But it only brings more hurt and pain.

Oh, I've learned that when I beg and plea,
I still can't be with you.
I guess if God had wanted that to be
He would have called me home then, too.

But it's hard to remember all this,
When I look at these tragic scars;
It's only life without you
But life without you is awfully hard.



Honestly, this isn't one of my best. I just wrote it because I felt like writing something touching. I used a little of my own experience for inspiration, but not that much. Anyway, please tell me what you think.

Thanks!

Answer 1

It's a nice poem, but it stutters and stalls in a few places due to meter and beat problems. Let's look:

The second line you say "I am", but you used a contraction in the first line: "don't", which sounds much more natural. Would you really say "that I am fine this way"? or would you say "that I'm fine this way"? However, the second way, although more "natural", is missing a beat. You could fix that with adding "just", so the lines would read:
"I don't pretend anymore
That I'm "just fine" this way"...if you add the quotes you imply that that's what you've been telling everyone who asks if you're okay..."I'm just fine". If the quotes are too much, then forget them...just a suggestion.
Your other lines are a bit longer, so line three could grow a little to meld into them if you said, "It's the truth, it was always a lie". Line four would mirror the first set of quotes around "just fine" and balance the entire stanza:

I don't pretend anymore
That I'm "just fine" this way;
It's the truth, it was always a lie
All the times I said "Im okay."

the next stanza is okay except the last line...it's weak because it runs together too quickly...try adding commas to add effect to each item, like: "By tears, or laughter, or fury"

Third stanza, second line: "or as if I were half insane"..and the last line in that stanza...what about, "But it only reminds me of the pain"?

The fourth stanza has a problem with the noun "plea"... you need to say "plead", (plea is a noun, plead a verb), but it won't be a perfect rhyme with "be". So, you can either allow it to be close enough of a rhyme, or change either "plea" or "be" to something else. You might try this:

"Oh, no matter how sincere or honest my plea,
I still can't be with you.
I guess if God had so wanted it to be
He would have called me home then, too."

This is not the only way to edit this line, but it adds sufficient beats in the right places and unburdens some of the lines of the weight they were carrying.

Last stanza starts off on the wrong foot, and the stanza doesn't follow the same rhyme pattern as all the others...how about,

"At times it's so hard to remember all this
When I look at the way that I'm scarred;
A lifelong reminder it's your love that I miss...
Yes, life without you, is awfully hard"

Again, not the only way it could be edited, but I think it held true to your original sentiment.

hope this helps,

keep writing

Answer 2

I thought it was beautiful and very nicely conveyed. And most beginning poets end-stop their lines with rhyme because it feels natural. But natural endings are not what beg a reader to move on to the next thought.

Here is an example of one way (not the ONLY way) to do that.
It's going to look/feel weird because you have lived with your poem. But try to see the logic of moving the reader from each line to the next by breaking up the thought pattern to force/coerce/coax the reader to the next line? OK...

I don't pretend anymore that
I am fine this
way. It's the truth, it was a
lie. All the times I said "I'm
okay."

But I have
learned a lot since
then--the night when all went
blurry--A broken heart can't
be healed, by tears, laughter or
fury.

ANYWAY...JUST MY
THOUGHTS.

Answer 3

That was really moving. It carries great emotion and it really comes from the heart. It was touching. It sounded really true like you are experiencing such pain. But since you said you wrote it for inspiration well that should mean that you aren't truly feeling such pain, such permanent scars. I'll be glad if it was just for inspiration and not really your true feeling. And that would also mean you know how to express much more than what you feel and you can easily put yourself in other's shoes. That was a really good peom

Answer 4

Wonderful Billy... And i'm almost in tears because the same thing happened with my mom 3 years ago. It was one of the toughest things having to endure seeing my mother in such a state. Not able to do anything for her but love. It gets easier. Soon you will be able to smile at the memories :) {hug}

Answer 5

You voiced very well what my father is going through. We lost Mom 18 months ago, and I know although there are no scars on the outside, he battles with these feelings on the inside daily still. They had been married 63 years.

Answer 6

was very touching, I could feel emotions running around, wanting to be calmed, wanting to be loved, but not being able to achieve the objective at this time. I could feel the resolve for not being able to hold the one you want again, and the longing to do so. Keep it up, the story was great even if the text was slightly off. I won't critisize. be happy in your endeavors.

Answer 7

I LIKE IT

Answer 8

pretty good