How do you handle feelings of betrayal??

Question

I feel betrayed by my fiance. He didn't necessarily cheat on me, but he was DEFINATELY flirting with another girl [on myspace, telling her that she's beautiful, etc.]. I told him that it hurt me and that i feel it's disrespectful to me, and he agreed not to do it anymore. So I'm trying to get over it and just trust him, but i'm having a really hard time doing that. I keep thinking about it....i try really hard not to, but everytime he gets on the computer i think about it, and just at random times during the day/night.

Has anyone else had to deal with this before? If so, how did you stop thinking about it? Is it just one of those things that takes time?

p.s. if someone had told me he did that, i would've bet my life that he would NEVER do that. Ever since I've known him, he's stressed the importance of honesty and faithfulness in a relationship.

Part of the reason I think this is so hard for me to let go of is because my ex boyfriend did basically the same thing, except it ended differently...he got emotionally involved with her and ended up breaking up with me to try and make a relationship with her work. Granted, him and my fiance are VERY different men, but the situations are similar and it just really scares and hurts me.

I'd also like to point out that he told me that he doesn't mean anything by the flirting and he says he would never cheat on me.

Answer 1

I understand that you feel this way and it is something that would have to take time to get over but you have to. You have to understand that this is not present it was past. I am not saying that you should just forget about it never forget but its about time to forgive. Given the fact that you have put your ex in this picture gives me reason to believe that you are hanging the wrong guy. Don't make your boyfriend now pay for someone else's mistake and take charge in your life.
As well if you feel so insecure about another woman then something is not right. My husband and I had split for a few weeks to clear our heads at the time my hormones were outrageously kicking and I acted really strange on certain things. I stopped trusting him because I had a huge gut in front of me and strangely he started getting calls from his Ex who was the girlfriend he had just before we got together.
I really hated it and I moved back to my parents house for a while and everything was fine and I simply expressed my dislike from since then he never got any calls from her again.
Now you are saying that you feel disrespected but it is not as though he has said this to her in person in front of you or made a date with her.
When your man is comfortable enough to complement another woman in front of you it is also a very good thing which means that he has nothing to hide. Now disrespectful is when he says things like she look phockable and so on. But beautiful baby that is nothing when he does it on line and it stays there. Don't take on the role of a jealous girlfriend it would ruin your relationship.
Good Luck & Hey Congrats
Remember that you are the one he loves...

Answer 2

It's one thing for him to point out beautiful women to see when you are out together or something like that but it's a whole other world when he is on myspace ( the latest home-wrecking, child predator section of the internet) doing it privately..he cheated....those things he was saying to her are reserved for YOU now, not anyone else and apparently he's not ready for that. let him explore those feelings ON HIS OWN. The thing is, if you look into it and find out it's not the first time or the only time, then you are setting yourself up for a world of hurt and you are already hurting enough over this one incident. what does he need a myspace page for now anyway? His friends?? really?? because it's time to get some "real" friends if he's involved in a relationship with you, it's hard to be an "online couple"

Answer 3

Ask him exactly how important to him that you and a future with you and possibly children. Tell him what YOUR priorities are for the future of the two of you together... and ask politely for his. Be patient.. it might take him a few weeks to think about the importance of that question. Don't take his first answer. Let it bake in his head for awhile until it's answered either by his actions.. which always speak louder than any words... or by both his words and his actions. If the two do not match up girl, do NOT marry him. Just calmly and kindly let him go and God will send you another one when God knows you are ready. Never rush anything.

If what he is doing now worries you..what do you think it will be like for you when the two of you have three kids, four dogs and a mortgage? Think think think.

Thinking is good. Planning is good. Plans might not always work out ..but in the long run.. planning surely does help.

It is best to not marry someone you do not trust.

Answer 4

I have been through this and yes it does take time as long as he is true to you and doesn't do it again. It sounds like you have some trust issues you need to work through before you marry. If you don't get them resolved, then you will have the same problem trusting him after you wed.

It possibly could've been harmless flirting...as guys AND gals do from time to time. Everyone likes to be told they are beautiful or handsome by strangers.

As long as he has quit doing the behavior that upsets you, you must also give him the space he needs to gain your trust back. Try not to be so suspicious and just be calm. Unless you catch him in the act again, then try not to think about it so much.

You have more important things to think about such as planning your wedding and building your new life together. Good luck and God bless.

Answer 5

Use your head and trust your gut.
Some people can "forgive and forget", but others cannot. Everybody is different.

But I'd say open your eyes and SEE how he acts...Talk is cheap -and cheating men usually say they love you but they act differently.

If you feel you are having trouble trusting him, you need to work on this and decide if he's worth it.(( IMO, trust and respect are basic in a marriage; and if you don't have that now with your fiance, what makes you think he will change once you are married? People seldom change))....

Chances are he will do the same thing once you are married. Do you want to live like this all the time?

Good luck...Be honest with yourself.
Some things are just non-negotiable.

Answer 6

I'm pretty sure the other woman is saying the same thing. "Pray for me" and "oh life is so unfair, he is already married!" I know you're feeling hurt right now, but you need to take a huge step back and LOOK AT THE FACTS. Your husband cheated on you. You caught him, but he cheated on you AGAIN. Not only cheated, but he is having ANOTHER CHILD, a breathing new live baby! Part of him belongs inside another woman! On top of that, he wants to SEE this baby every week, what happens when the baby is born? He can't be husbands for both of you. The way I see it, you're clinging onto this man. So is the other woman. Your husband is selfish and wants to have everything given to him. You have a few options. 1) Leave him. He has betrayed your trust numerous times and has asked you for something completely unreasonable (letting him see this other woman, intimately touching her tummy!) No amount of apologies will make up for this. 2) Stay with him but demand him to agree to YOUR RULES. HE is not the one in control here, he shouldn't be! He is the one who broke your trust and got her pregnant. If he wants you to stay, he has to agree to your rules. You can choose how many times he can see her/the baby. 3) Get therapy. He has SERIOUS ISSUES... I am absolutely SICKENED by his behaviour. Go for some marriage counselling. He sounds like he just wants a tidy wife at home so he can muck about wherever he wants. 4) You kept your side of the sacramental matrimony, but he has not. You tried to keep the bond there, but your husband is refusing it. I don't know if your husband is religious or not, but perhaps you need to go to church and seek advice on your marriage.

Answer 7

With the internet has come a whole new world of cheating. Regardless if he is in bed with her or not - he should not be emailing random girls on myspace, nor telling them they are beautiful for that matter. Your boyfriend's behavious is extremely disrespectful, especially for a man who has promise his life to you in marriage. I'd say either have a program installed on the comp to track his every keystroke, or put it in your mind to trust him. But since he's shown a lack of judgement in the past I personally be tracking what he's doing online.

Answer 8

You need to find out why his ego needs to be stroked so much. Stop flirting with these girls who are stealing your bf. That doesn't do anything but complicate the situation. If you really want to solve the problem, and it sounds like you do, you will have to start offering up respect and praise upon your man. This is why he seeks attention from other women. He wants to feel needed and appreciated. Show him the side of you that appreciates him and loves him. He will respond in kind. Good luck.

Answer 9

If someone will cheat on internet what makes you think they won't cheat in real life what define's cheating, look cheating is cheating no matter how you look at. warning flag definetly do you want to spend the rest of your life watching over some man that isn't being faithful.

Answer 10

I say tell him this. And in the mean time wait on the wedding, if your not sure about trust then this is a good sign to say hold off till this issue is dealt with. Talk to him, communication is the key in a relashonship.