i need help w/my husbands attitude!?

Question

I love my husband but we just aren't getting along like we used to . I have tried talking to him and letting him know how i feel but he goes rite back to the same or similar behaviors.
He is rude and verbally crude in a hurtfull manner when some one does'nt live up to his personall standards . This includes my family friends and also my kids!!
He has hurt all lot of these persons feeling and angred them so they dont come around when he is home . I love my husband but not at hte cost of my kids self estastime and self worth .
these things ocurr more when he is drinking and this is amore common than not situaition latley . I have asked him to stop aor atleast slow down on the drinking , and i did give him alot of reasons why . His health ,the kids feelings &how he treats others ect..
please help I don't want to get a divorce but i refuse to risk my kids self estamie !

Answer 1

I know this is long but I've been through the same thing. I hope this helps you.

I'm so sorry that your having to go through this, I know how hard it can be since I went through the same thing with my husband. My husband refused to give up his drinking, he use to say to me "I can quit any time I want to!" He never did quit with the drinking. He is an alcoholic and that's the bottom line. His drinking was more important to him than his own family.

You have to look at the bigger picture here, he is in trouble when it comes to drinking. Tell him that the entire family needs to get counseling, him/you and your children. If he refuses then take your self and your children to Alcoholic's anonymous, they have programs that will help you and your children to be able to deal with all that you are going through. They have counseling for familys that are dealing with alcoholics, and it will help you to be able to deal with all that your putting up with.

If your husband won't get counseling then you need to consider getting out of the marriage, since it isn't going to benifit you or your children. Give him an ultimatum, tell him that he either stops drinking and gets into counseling with you and your children or your going to divorce him. If that doesn't work, then you need to take your children and your self and get out.

I know that you say that you don't want to divorce him. But you need to get real with your self right here and now. You can not make him stop drinking, nothing you do or say is going to make him want to stop. He is the one who is going to have to want that for him self, no one can make that decision for him. If it's forced upon him then it's not really his choice and he'll end up drinking again.

The first step for them is to admit they have a problem and the next step is to want the help and to have the desire to quit. If he refuses to see and even except that he has a drinking problem then you are only spinning your wheels so to speak.

People who are alcoholic's distroy every one in their path. When I tell you this I know that your going to know exactly what I'm saying. They pick/peck away at who you are as a person, it's like they are taking away parts of you and leaving an empty place that's like a void or a black hole. That makes you feel empty inside. Believe me when I say that it won't get any better with time if he continues his drinking.

Our vows say to love and honer, in sickness and in health. It doesn't say in drunkenness and through verbal abuse with crulity tossed in just for his fun. Getting married and having children is suppose to be a blessing and not a curse. It shouldn't mean that you have to walk on egg shells for the rest of your life. This is not the way that you or your children should have to live, you all deserve much better than this.

You will never be able to change him. He has to want to change for him self. If he won't do that then perhaps you and your children need to move on, and heal your selves and start to feel better so that you can all feel whole again. The way that people are entitled to feel. Get your self free from his problem if he won't get help. Make sure if you leave that you do get your self and your children into counseling, since your children and even you will need help working out all that has happened to you.

You don't need other people's permission to do what is right and best for all of you, you just need to give your self permission to once again become a happy person. Remember that your childrens lives are being affected, by what they are seeing and what they are going through. You don't want them to one day marry a verbally abusive drunk them selves, since that is all they saw while growing up.

God bless you and your children, I will keep you in my prayers. I know how hard it is for you, but you can do it if you want to. Believe me when I say that I speak from the heart, I've been where you are so that I know how it feels. I lost so much of my self and who I was because of it all. You owe it to your children as much as your self to do what is right for all of you. Listen to your heart, you already know what it is that your needing for you. God Bless!

BTW: My dad was very abusive and he use to take us as children into bars when we were younger, so that is why I'm sure that I ended up marrying some one just as bad......That is why I'm telling you if you have to get out, so that your children won't end up geting into the same situation that your in. My brother also married some one who turned out to be an alcoholic and verbally abusive as well. Protect your children, since your the only one who can help do that for them.

Answer 2

Hi Misty....Difficult decision on your part. You need to decide whether you want to continue to remain in a marriage such as yours or to remove yourself and your children from a verbal abusive marriage. You should 'think' of your children's welfare first. Then you second. If you have tried numerous of times to confront your husband on these issues and he ignores the problem or just doesn't care and his 'drinking' comes first instead of his wife and kids then you need to decide if your husband is worth the effort. I know you still love him but is it worth all the verbal abuse that you and your children are getting from this man? Think about it. Are you actually happy? Are your kids happy? I would suggest this: Sit down if your husband is willing and give him the ultimatum. Either he changes for the better by controlling his behavior and attitude towards you and the kids and ease up on his drinking or you are going to leave until he has changed. Pure and simple. If he truly loves you and the kids he'll say 'yes' and will try to change. Now if he does agree then you will have to give him support because this won't change over night. It will be hard for him to accomplish this new behavior, so good luck. Tell the kids also to praise 'daddy' on his new attitude and behavior as well, this will help him also to improve. Take care and good luck on your decision. It won't be an easy task. Have a blessed day!

Answer 3

He does not respect what you say that is why he acts that way. You need to put your foot down and talk to him when he is not drinking (which is a major problem). Your kid's should not be witness to this. It does effect their self esteem. Counseling for both sounds right but he doesn't sound like he would go, you can go alone and lean how to stand up to him. You can love him and everything but if he does not respect you what is the point. Good Luck.

Answer 4

have you considered marriage or family counseling? if you think your husband will be unwilling to go, at least try to counteract the impact he might have on the children by going to an al-anon meeting. it is an organization that helps loved ones deal with the drinking problems of their family members. they let children know that their father's behavior is not their fault and also lets them know that there are others out there dealing with the same thing. it would also be a good contact for you, because there will be other mothers and wives present that you can communicate with. if your husband is willing to seek help with the family, that would be wonderful. but if he is not, you should still seek the help that you and your children need so that this ugly cycle of alcohol abuse and demeaning, angry behavior doesn't get passed on to your children.

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Answer 5

I am very sorry he is like that. The only thing that I can see doing is ask him to go to counseling with you. You can't force him to get help if he doesn't want it. I grew up with a father that was verbally abusive if I didn't live up to his expectations. I can't tell you how many times I was called a "fat a**" because I didn't do it the way he wanted it. To this day, I shudder when I hear a door slam (as he used to do when he came home) my mother is still with him (he's my step father). I can honestly tell you I resent my mother for not sticking up for me and not getting rid of him. With that said, you are correct, things need to change, if it's leaving him (which I know you don't want to do) or even THREATENING to do so if he won't go to counseling with you. Because words do hurt, you don't want yourself, friends, family and children to be subjected to that for all your lives it's not fun. Good Luck and I hope you find happiness!

Answer 6

You might need to have a friend, a close relative, or someone help you stop his attitude. I don't know if you can handle this by yourself. The alcohol and the drinking really seem to affect his attitude as a backup. He needs to learn that the whole world is NOT just about HIM. There's other people out there who have feelings too. Plus, he has to respect people for their opinions and for who they are. If he doesn't have anything good to say, he shouldn't say anything at all. If he really cared, then he would focus more on his family and you, the ones that matter the most.

Answer 7

tough situation! I would try going to counseling. If he is not willing, suggest that he goes to rehab. If he is not willing to do either of those things there is nothing that you can do at that point but to get out of the house. I know you probably don't want to hear this but he sounds like he is verbally abusing you and your kids. You can leave and get a legal separation or just leave.


Best of luck!

Answer 8

Don't divorce, but maybe take abit of seperate time from him for a while, like he could rent a flat for 3 months or so, just so you can have a break... you need to tell him EXACTLY! what he's doing, and then explain the effects of his rude vulgar actions on your friends and family, he needs to be told and realise what hes doing, if that doesnt work go to councelling, and if that doesnt work... i guess divorce is the only option left.

Answer 9

it seems like your husband may have a drinking problem as well as some anger issues. you should sud-just that he maybe go and seek help "professional" for these problems. Also try and see if you can enlist the help of someone he respects.....a parent,grandparent, best friend,pastor etc. hope everything works out. in the end you must do what is right for your kids. it is your job to protect them.....if you don't, who will?

Answer 10

Unfortunately, for a lot of men, drinking is a way to cope with the pain of traumatic things that happened in life.
The bad thing is, that for years the consensus in the medical field was, "Medicate it, or just get over it, or join a club and be hopelessly tied to addiction the rest of your life."
However, now there is a thing called TRT.
It is trauma recovery therapy. It is a program that retrains the brain to heal it from bad patterns of learned behavior that mask the pains of the hardships we endure in life.
The dilemma you have found yourself in is one common to many women who's husband's drink and become obnoxious or angry.
You have to hold them accountable, even if it means telling them if they continue to choose that behavior over their family, they will have to leave until they can make better choices.
I know this sounds hard, but the sooner the better.
I know from abusive people in my childhood who were drinkers who became angry and violent, and then would not remember.
By all means protect your children and yourself and do not enable his bad behavior at all.
Our family will be praying for you.
If you would like us to personally respond with a compassionate prayer in writing, just respond to this and we will.
Have a blessed day.
Doodad

Answer 11

So do I, but if he has no desire to change then he won't change. There is absolutely NOTHING that you can do. I am learning that. I would suggest that you get counseling for yourself and your kids though. Because you have kids, maybe you should even separate for a while. He should not be verbally abusing your children, and I wouldn't allow that. They are innocent and can't defend themselves.