Rate my poem!?

Question

“A poem”
Not a picture or a cartoon.
I give you my heart.
It is a plain object wrapped in red,
It promises love.
Like the careful honest loving heart of a baby.
Pure.
It will fill you with love.
Like a glass filled with water.
It will make your reflections on photos of happiness.
I am trying to be honest.
Not a commercial ad or a lair.
I give you my heart.
Its love will keep you wanting more.
Its fierce love will keep yours growing too.
Strong and pure
Its touch will leave a mark in your heart.
In your life.

Answer 1

Very cerebral. It took me a few times through to understand it. I like it.

Answer 2

4...could be a 9 if you do some editing...lots of editing. You try to create images, and you often do, but they are not additive...they don't meld. You hit all around something...but still miss...it must be frustrating to you as well. Let's start with the first line...dump it. Don't "tell" us what it is NOT, "show" us what it IS! "I give you my heart"...no, that's to straight forward...try, "here is my heart"...and I wouldn't call it "plain"...it's a precious object, a loving object...so call it that, "a precious object wrapped in red"...then combine the next several thoughts until you get "a loving, honest, careful heart, as pure as any baby" (two lines). Drop "a glass filled water" in favor of "a glass pristine, filled with reflected happiness"
...don't state your intention to be honest...psychologists say that over 80 percent of the people who say "to be frank" or "to be perfectly honest" are lying. Then you do that no-no again in the next line, telling us what you are NOT...and you already said that you were giving your heart, so don't repeat yourself. Next, you say its love with keep him wanting more, but keep his growing too...that's a mighty big promise...why not just let it be a little more intentional and say, "love that keeps you wanting, yet fierce enough to share"...then, "Strong, pure, whose touch will mark your heart like mine." and leave it at that. All these edits bring you to a poem that reads like this:

Here is my heart
It's a precious object
Wrapped in red
A loving, honest, careful heart
As pure as any baby
A glass pristine
Filled with reflective happiness
Love that keeps you wanting
Yet fierce enough to share
Strong, pure, whose touch
Will mark your heart like mine

It's still your poem, still the same thoughts, but edited to omit repetition, clear up dispersed thoughts and bring the reader to where you are.

Even if you don't like the edited version as much as your original, I hope you see possibilities and "why" certain changes were recommended...because ultimately it's about you getting used to looking at your poems in a way that transcends the ordinary text of prose and creates coherent images that take us with you.

keep writing

Answer 3

On a scale of 1 to 10, I'd give it s 4 or a 3.5

Answer 4

I am not going to judge your poetry skills, just the content. On that, I like it very much. In a world of fake and false fronts, temporary I-love-you-ifs, and you are-only-my-8th-relationship, your poem sound so refreshing honest, straight forward, lasting love, clean, uncomplicated, nourishing, nurturing, the kind of love that lasts a lifetime.

Answer 5

Hmmm interesting! It's very sweet... About a 6 out of 10!

Answer 6

I think the sentiment is good. However the following line might need some work:

"It will make your reflections on photos of happiness"

I do not understand what you mean by this sentence.

Answer 7

I think it's great. You've got a talent just keep on practising and soon you'll become a star. I'll like you to participate in my minor peom contest. You could write whatever come into your head to write. It's at
http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20070809193702AAlcy3g&r=w
Anyone visiting this page could also participate in this contest.

Answer 8

on a scale of 1-10 I would give it a seven

Answer 9

It sounds superficial and as if you're trying to convince yourself by repeating very much the same qualities over and over...it sounds dodgy if you ask me...almost as if you're luring someone in...you know...teasing with false promise of pudding...

Answer 10

I like it, but it lacks diversity in the lyrics, I would say 7.
: )