If my husband is remorseful, why did he give up on us?

Question

My husband has been having an affair for over 2 years. We filed for a divorce, but he said he didn't want it the day we went to court. I told him to break up with his mistress if he wanted to work on our marriage.

He said that he wishes that things could go back to the way the used to be with us. He regrets the affair and the pain it caused our daughter, me and our family. He also said that things are awkward between us.

He could not break up with his girlfriend then and still hasn't. If he really wishes we could go back to the way we were, why did he give up on us? Why does he still have the girlfriend instead of me?

Answer 1

Please listen to this carefully...first YOU have to decide if you want him back....and then you need to understand the psychology of his mindset.
Your husband has done something that he may not be able to forgive HIMSELF for.
Men want their wives and their children to be able to look up to them. It is a basic male need to feel needed (as opposed to the female need to feel loved). Your husband has committed an act that he now believes diminishes his value in you and your daughters eyes. It is next to impossible for him to envision a time where the two of you will ever be able to respect him again.
Given that mindset, his future options seem limited...and though he DOES want to be with you and your daughter...he now believes the only person who does not look down on him is the person who is equally to blame...the mistress.
IF you want him back...and IF you believe he can be the husband and father that he needs to be...you are going to have to approach him and tell him that YOU forgive him..and that his mistake is not a life sentence, but rather a mistake that can be put behind you. Let him know that you are proud of his desire to be a father and a husband....and most importantly...you are proud that he is MAN enough to admit his mistake and has the desire to fix things.
Keep in mind that this does not mean that you wont have checks and balances in your life if you reconcile...but it DOES mean that you may NEVER use his mistake as a means to degrade or to manipulate. Make a deal with him that you will NEVER bring it up again if he is willing to be accountable until the trust is restored.
Feel free to e-mail me...I might at least be able to help you understand...forgive...and if needed ... move on

Answer 2

Have you ever heard of "wanting your cake and eating it too?" That's exactly what your husband is doing, trying to string you along with false hopes of reconciliation while still seeing his mistress,that way when she dumps him, which she will when the next live one comes down the pike, he still has you to fall back on. He made his choice by seeking someone outside your marriage, knew it was wrong when he did it, didn't bother to try to fix your relationship and then doesn't want you to kick him to the curb because of it. He thinks that you are supposed to wait for him to get done sowing his wild oats?

If he truly wanted to fix things, he would have made every attempt over 2 years ago, rather than seeing a mistress. Yes, I would have to agree that things would be awkward between you, there wouldn't be any trust, he doesn't deserve your trust, he's proven that.

He doesn't want you but doesn't want anyone else having you either. I suggest to you that you move on with the divorce for your sake as well as the sake of the child. You both deserve better and you will find someone that loves you and is loyal and as trustworthy as you are.

Good luck! : )

Answer 3

I'm sure it is painful to him. He doesn't have the "thrill" of the hunt and getting away with it anymore. Awkward?...no joke...you know about it now and I'm sure he knows that you would have a difficult time ever trusting him or even believing him again.

I know your pain. After 19 yrs with the same woman, I learned she was having an affair for upwards of a year. It crushed my world and everything I had believed in. I shocked myself by not acting out foolishly toward her or him (not that I know what he looks like) and besides my anger and pain, we have attempted to stay together. She acts like it never happened and tries to make things appear as they once did but the stuff never leaves my mind and it is very hard not to lose it sometimes. My children know and it changed them too. I do not look at her the same or hold her in the same place in my heart, but 1/2 a lifetime is hard to throw away. She apparently ended it with him when I uncovered it and presented evidence, but I still wonder.

Your trust level will never be the same for him and most likely toward other men as well there will be a nagging doubt of their fidelity. He was foolish, he got caught, and was to be punished and he wants to try and save it all now. The fact he does not end it with the other woman just proves that he is not sincere and that history will be bound to repeat itself.

Move on. Chances are once your marriage is over, he will not be able to maintain his sordid affair any more because it won't be the same. He'll have what he deserves and with some luck and time, maybe you will find someone that will be as true to you as you are to them.

Good luck.

Answer 4

Because the devil has him confused and he probably is thinking with his little head instead of his big head. But he cannot love two, don't let him tell you that he does. If you want him and are willing to forgive him and accept him and his gf then be my guest, but you remain human and call upon God to bring your husband home if that's what you want, don't do it for the kids. I wouldn't take him back as a husband, I would be his best friend, because he is really lost between two worlds and love you for what and who you are, the mother of his children and love her for who she is, a piece of tale.

Answer 5

Just because he's sorry, doesn't mean that he's willing to give her up. He knows that you can never "go back" to the way things were. That's not realistic for anyone. We all progress in life, and when you're married you just hope that your partner is on board and the two of you can progress together.
Since he's not seriously willing to make that change. When he says, " I'm sorry" you just say, "I Know, and I'm sorry you are so sorry."

Answer 6

it sounds like he cant be to remorseful cause he would have given up the affair,hes just talking to hear himself talk and make himself feel better.He doesnt want a divorce cause it will cost him money,Get proof of his affair,pictures or such and get every penny out of him.

Answer 7

he's waiting for things to go back to the way they used to be but keeping her on the side in case they don't...problem is, they can never be the way they used to be while he is still seeing her! he needs to get that through his head! the way they used to be? does he mean you being niave and not knowing there was someone else? maybe he had someone else before and you didn't know it...hmmm...leave him...because he still has this girl...good luck!

Answer 8

maybe because hes going through that mid life crisis thing, he will eventually tire of this women and leave her for another. but thats not your problem. you need to get a grip of your life, kick his butt to the curb, let her have your leftovers. try not to go back to him and have sex becuase chances are he isnt using protection and hes dipping it in the both of you. !!!! eeewwww i know but thats the reality of it take care and chin up, be strong ☺

Answer 9

Maybe he feels bad for what he's done and can't physically make the move to dumping his gf and getting back with you. He's made his bed, let him lie on it now.

Answer 10

why go back to face constant accusations. you would win every argument after that. "at least i didn't have an affair"