my cousin wants to know your opinion!! please answer!?

Question

heres her poem..
its a project

Change
One day a young woman passed by the sea
Full of shells and fish and sand.
Full of glee she was for she had seen
The beauty that came from God’s hand.

The design so simple yet so unique
Was seen on earth that day.
But what have we done to our own home place
And for the price we have to pay?

Throughout the years the earth has changed
From its original design
Inventions that have though to be progressive
Destroyed the earth so fine

Water has become from clear to black
The sky from blue to brown
Materials and waste that changed mother earth
Came from us and our own towns

Who should we blame for this destruction
To our own mother earth?
Only we are to cause this tragedy
from our own day of birth.

To change is hard and difficult
But it is for our own good
If we love our children and our children too
Persevere and unite , we should

heres the last part.......
One day an old woman passed by the sea
Full of waste and dirt and trash
Though she was sad , she didn’t give up
For hope for change she had

thank you!

im sorry doofy but i have no idea what you,re talking about!! im only 13..so do you like it or not???

Answer 1

it seems forced.

Answer 2

Interpretavely, the poem is for an assignment so there's not much we can do about the message being overused and unoriginal. Grammatic and aesthetic suggestions follow:

"One day a young woman passed by the sea
Full of shells and fish and sand.
Full of glee she was for she had seen
The beauty that came from God’s hand."

Awkward working - because of the natural pause at the end of the first line, it sounds like the young woman is full of shells and fish and sand.

"The design so simple yet so unique
Was seen on earth that day.
But what have we done to our own home place
And for the price we have to pay?"

"that day" seems like filler, just tossed in so there'd be a simple word to rhyme at the end of the line. The third and fourth lines don't "mesh" because the conjunction "and" after the verb with no additional subject and verb can only be used if you can split the sentence apart and reuse the subject and verb. What you end up with is "But what have we done to our own home place
And what have we done for the price we have to pay?" - See? This doesn't work.

"Throughout the years the earth has changed
From its original design
Inventions that have though to be progressive
Destroyed the earth so fine"

Lose the word "its" - it breaks up the rhythm. Also lose "that have" and change "though" to "thought".

"Water has become from clear to black
The sky from blue to brown
Materials and waste that changed mother earth
Came from us and our own towns"

Awkward wording in "become from" a better word choice might be "turned from."

Who should we blame for this destruction
To our own mother earth?
Only we are to cause this tragedy
from our own day of birth.

The poem began with God's earth, and now it is the entity Mother Earth. This inconsistency is distracting. The poem asks who is to blame, then answers "only we are to cause" - I would re-word this. The tenses of the verbs don't match.

"To change is hard and difficult
But it is for our own good
If we love our children and our children too
Persevere and unite , we should"

Change either "hard" or "difficult" because they mean the same thing. Change is strange, it is work, it is cathartic... perhaps two words with almost opposite meanings could display the multiple facets of change by representing a dichotomy? Read this line out of context: "If we love our children and our children too." Do you notice anything strange? Perhaps "If we love our children, if our children also" or some other rewording would work better.

"One day an old woman passed by the sea
Full of waste and dirt and trash
Though she was sad , she didn’t give up
For hope for change she had"

Here's that awkwardness forced by the natural pause, again. Now we have an old woman full of waste and dirt and trash. "For hope for change" - the repetition of "for" is distracting.

Sorry for the extensive pickiness - it's how I was trained.

Answer 3

The poem needs lots of editing. It's a bit "preachy" and a little too "green" for me, but apart from that, it could be improved a great deal with some editing for beats, meter, and word order. Third stanza, third line: "Inventions that have through to be progessive" not good. I think you meant "thought" instead of "though", but then it would be "Inventions that have thought to be progressive", and that's not right either...so maybe it should have been, "Inventions once thought to be progressive"...and that's indicative of the kind of editing need throughout the poem. Best course of action is to have someone else read it out loud just the way it's written so you can hear where the spots are that don't work or sound off. The rest of the poem is well enough written that I believe you'll hear the bad spots easy enough and will be able to make the proper corrections.

keep writing

Answer 4

I think your cousin has a great feel for using creative words to create strong visual images in the reader's mind, and the story line does a clear job of carrying you through time from the young woman (planet) to the older, changed woman (planet) she becomes. The only constructive criticism I would offer would be to practice reading it out loud in front of a mirror to check ,whether the meter flows through the stanzas smoothly. Try reading the first 2 stanzas and then the last one to see how much the meter may have subtly drifted from beginning to end. Tell your cousin Bravo! Well done!
Sky

Answer 5

I thought it was good, I painted a picture without being annoyingly inflated with adjectives. Your cousin has a future in poetry.

P.S. Don't pay attention to doofy. Clearly he's just trying to make an intellegent and interesting point without much luck.

Answer 6

I liked it very much!
Well done!

The last line in my opinion may want to be looked at again and may I suggest changing one of the "for's" to a "the".

Great Ecology piece!

Answer 7

Well this is poem is too marked by piousness for my liking.

I just want to point out that 'God' apparently destroyed the earth with a Flood. So I do not want to hear someone preaching to me that we should not be destroying the earth too.
If it is OK for the authors' lovely all-loving diety, then it is OK for me to not recycle.

Answer 8

I think Doofy needs a hug, lmao.

Answer 9

Awesome...

Almost brought a tear to my eye (i held it back cos im a bloke and at work!)

Star for you, i want everyone to see this!