My husband and I have been married for 2 1/2 years. Not long, I know. We care for one another and even love each other. The problem is, he's from another country (Brazil) and I'm from here. We have many different perspectives, opinions, and values in life, especially when it comes to a woman's role in a marriage/relationship. He's very jealous, possessive, & sometimes verbally abusive, but more in a "passive" way (never phsysically, however, but still not good, nonetheless --I know). He doesn't try to have a relationship with my 7 year-old son (from previous relationship). Logically speaking, we BOTH know that we shouldn't be together, but why is it so difficult letting go? Furthermore, he wants children now and I don't. I feel if I let him go that we'll both suffer greatly, so sometimes I think we should just tough it out. Am I wrong? Why do I feel this almost need to make sure he doesn't get hurt? I feel an aching in my heart. I don't know what to do. Any advice?
2007-08-09 21:09:53 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
He doesn't speak much English and all-in-all is a great guy--but for someone else. I've even made a new friend (a guy) who keeps reminding me that I should live my life for myself and my son. To break it off with him would be difficult, but that I will suffer for the rest of my life if I remain with him. I KNOW this, but I just can't leave him now. I'm so torn over this and have become depressed as a result.
2007-08-09 21:13:53 · update #1
You've answered your own questions. If he's not the best for you and your son why hang on? You might feel that you will not find another man. However, on the contrary you will meet someone that's design perfectly for you. The reason that's it's not working out for you is because there not real commitment in the relationship and there's other issues that are unhealthy.
Leaving a relationship is emotional, however your leaving for the right reason. You deserve better!!! Start to love yourself more and your son. Be good to yourself and son, respect yourself and son and then you will not be in contact with men such as--- soon to be your ex. God Bless
2007-08-09 21:42:19 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
He should be in marital counseling with you and he should know that the stakes are his marriage. Brazilian men do have a reputation for being jealous. Unless he can moderate that, it could just get worse. The way that he avoids having an emotional connection to your son is going to hurt the boy and you both. Maybe it's why you don't want to have any more children. In fact, that might be the 'tie-breaker' in this relationship. He may insist that you have a child together. It's possible that with counseling, you both could have it all - a good marriage and a good family with your son and any other children. It's going to take time, no doubt about that! Without that advice and working with a professional, there will be a lot of miscommunication and a more painiful breakup.
2007-08-18 02:33:24 · answer #2 · answered by kathyw 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I usualy have short and straight answers. But you... it is a little more complicated. But only a little.
Question: why do you love him , if you have " different perspectives, opinions , VALUES in life" ? WHAT on earth could you love if you are so much different? Excuse me, but perhaps it is only sex? It is not necesary to be married for that. And the worst thing of all: he does not love your son. And if you are so different, it means he does not want to adjust to you ! It means he does not realy love you . Maybe you are the solution for some of his needs: money , sex , feeling of safety. You know better.
You have obligations towards one person : your son. You say that you can't let go because you suffer. What about your son ? He is perhaps suffering now!
And beware : if you tell him about your feelings, that you want to leave him , he could become dangerous ! This is the exact word : dangerous - for you and your son. And you say he is jealous, verbally abusive - it means you are a property for him , not that he loves you. And it means he does not respect you.
Ask your family ( mother, father, brothers, etc . ) for help!
2007-08-16 04:37:27 · answer #3 · answered by Dana Q 2 · 2⤊ 0⤋
You only mentioned your son ONCE. He is only 7 and the man that has been around does not wish for a relationship.
What are you two doing to him? You are teaching him that men do not have relationships with their children and treat their women badly.
You need a therapist. And your son needs his Dad.
Sorry, but you are the adult making his decisions for him and the decision to marry this guy in the first place was just not right for YOU or YOUR 7 YEAR OLD SON.
2007-08-17 18:59:14 · answer #4 · answered by Dionannan 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
First of all if he doesn't even try to have a relationship with your son then he is not even worth it. For your sons sake please tell the guy to hit the road. I mean what the heck he wants children? I'm sorry but from the sounds of it he is far from father material. In fact I hope he never has children. He might end up abusing them, being he is already mentally abusive towards you. Also if you are willing to stick with him you might even see his physical abuse start. Please get out of this relationship as soon as you can. You have one giant heart for taking a persons feelings into account before you even take your own in account. You and your son deserve a loving guy who wouldn't even hesitate to step up to the plate and be a father figure to your son. Your son will appreciate your consideration of his feelings for sure. Stand your ground and file those papers!
2007-08-17 07:33:20 · answer #5 · answered by Joy 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You need to sit down with him and ask him what he wants and tell him what you want. You sound like you know you don't want to be married to him anymore, so you need to go ahead and get it over with. I know it will hurt but you need to make yourself happy and your not in this marrige. It will be hard but you do not deserve to be abused mentally, no one does.You need to think how this relationship is effecting your son, the way he hears him talk to you, and the fact that he don't want anything to do with him. Your husband will find someone for him so don't worry about him. Worry about yourself and your son's happyness or you will be stuck in a never ending circle.
2007-08-16 18:57:08 · answer #6 · answered by rhondam79 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It is hard to let go because the known, no matter how bad, is better then the unknown. It takes courage to end something you both know is unhealthy. If you are both aware of the others unhappiness you should start a dialog about what how you can best end things without a lot of conflict. Neither of you needs to pack your bags tomorrow, but come up with a realistic time line for separating then work towards it. That way you both have time to adjust to what is coming. Maybe a marriage counselor could help. I had a friend who counseled couples and she told me that many couples come to her saying they want to work on saving their marriage, but most times they are there for someone to help guide them through ending it. Good luck to you no matter what you decide.
2007-08-10 04:34:41 · answer #7 · answered by onebigfool 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Gustavo...I didn't hear her say anything about not liking Brazlians, she was just making the point that they are both from different countries and have different perspectives....typical anti American. Anyway....
Whatever you do DON"T have kids with him. If he does't seek a relationship with your son, if you have kids together he WILL overwhelmingly favor them. DISASTER for your son. I am against divorce and urge you to try counseling or something, but DO NOT have more kids.
2007-08-17 20:30:23 · answer #8 · answered by hooahwife 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Why would you stay in an abusive realtionship and allow your child to witness this? only you can answer. I hope for the sake of the child that you will only give this some consideration. I don't think it is fair to subject little children to abuse Just some food for thought
2007-08-17 19:20:20 · answer #9 · answered by seymoretowns 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
My answer is being a mother myself is: How can you think about spending the rest of your life with a man that makes no effort to be a part of your sons life? Can you imagine if you had a baby with him? I think the answer is: Grow up think not only of yourself but of your son.
2007-08-17 17:02:34 · answer #10 · answered by lily 2 · 2⤊ 0⤋