Another one just for kicks.?

Question

churning

Picture this then tell her tale
a dog barks and a shovel crashes into a pale

The fear that grows inside
will neither hinder or hide

your ability to keep your peace
your ability to pay your lease

it will destroy your joy
and kill for more

Your pleaseure becomes pain
and your pain becomes fuel

The only way to defeat this jewel

is by running and hiding
then running towards

to a place that not all animals can forge

Your signature in blood remains
then the cold vengence complains

of a warm victim it sees
to warm for it yet to seize

please run while you still can

save your self

and be free

from this dirty

old man.

Answer 1

A few comments. Couplets are very difficult to pull off...they usually sound too "rhymy" and usually a bit forced, especially when used in short lines. However, if you're going to use them, then at least use them consistently, not just when you feel like it. You start out with rhymed couplets, then you stop, then you put in a couple more, then stop again...make up your mind? Also, consistent meter...and beats...not happening here. I see where you wanted the poem to go, but it wasn't as tight as you could have made it...looks like a first draft that you just patched together to see what reactions you'd get. I think you could do much better if you tried.

keep writing

Answer 2

its cool