Judge my poem please....Please be Honest?! THANKS?

Question

Cause of Lost Love

You are the cause of my pain,
You use 2 walk with me in the rain

My days with u are numbered,
Our love has been murdered

We use to laugh and go for long walks,
Now we barely even talk

The key to great relationships is communication
Now all we have is irritation

A dove is a peaceful bird to bring happiness,
The cost we shall pay 4 ruining our Love is not because of the White Dove

BUT BECAUSE OF

LOST LOVE

Answer 1

Be honest...okay, here goes. Regardless of how it may look on your cell phone...please, do not use "2" for "to", "4" for "for", "u" for "you", etc....words are important...there is nuance in words...words have more than one meaning at time...don't cut them off at the knees just to save yourself a few keystrokes! Also, "used to"...not "use 2".

Regarding images and cliche in the poem. The white dove has been beaten to a red pulp of peace...please, find another metaphor...you can do it, trust me, you can. You've chosen rhymed couplets, always difficult to pull off without sounding too "rhymy" or childish. You must always think about what you're trying to say, how you're trying to say it, and which form will best suit the two. Rhymed couplets will work if you're writing in iambic pentameter or in comic verse, otherwise you better be good, real good. Robert Frost was able to do it with great success...but when you read his poems you see that the words always fit...always! you can't imagine another word being used in the rhyming word's place, so you don't mind the rhyme and it doesn't sound "rhymy". Your poem almost accomplishes this in only one place: "communication" and "irritation". Why not pain and rain? Because there is no connection between the two! "you are the cause of all my pain, you used to walk with me in the rain"...is walking in the rain the opposite as causing pain? If so, then I missed it, otherwise the answer is "no", so you should have found another phrase that would have shown the difference between then and now to better effect. Count the beats to your lines...especially in rhymed couplets...you need to even them out, not make them so erratic and accidental. Rhymed poetry is demanding, and if you find it too demanding, switch to free verse...sometimes free verse is a better way to say something of a serious nature.

Finally, your conclusion is unsupportable. "the cost we pay for ruining our love is lost love"...what the heck does that mean? when you take out the intervening words, you see that you forced the end words in spite of not having them make contextual sense.

I'm not picking on you, I'm showing you where to fix your poem...okay, maybe "fix" isn't the right word..."improve" then. Whatever you call it, it needs editing, and since you wrote it, you're the best qualified for the job...so get busy...and keep writing.

Answer 2

I don't really care for it seems way to simple and seems a little forced to rhyme and that's sad in way. But the line that really gets me is.

Now all we have is irritation.

What happend did you get a STD that's the first thought in my mind and I might not be the only one.

The second couplets seems like this is were is should end but goes on. I guess that that with the introduciton of murder it should end there.

At the same time that's one of the big problems with the poem is that you say murdered and lost in the same poem describing the same thing.

I guess if it's murded then it's dead but you know what happened to it. But then you lose it. I guess I'm a little lost on that concept. Kind of like when there on the search for some people they tell you that they found them but they were dead so they were found. But for some reason you love died and then you lost it. Which of course does happen in reality some people are lost after there dead but not most of the time.

Not a good poem but not the worst that I've seen on this site.

Answer 3

It is really really sweet! Honest. One lil flaw though. This poem would be perfect if u cn shorten up the line : The cost we shall pay 4 ruining our Love is not because of the White Dove.
Keep up the GOOD work!!

Answer 4

seem, Kate, enable's be trouble-free with one yet another. Emo poetry has a number of distinguishing features. a million) that is approximately death, love touching directly to death, death because of the fact of love, being buried, being chilly, etc. 2) It does not rhyme, and is subsequently prose, and not poetry because of the fact poetry follows a rhyming scheme. So, could you say it somewhat is an Emo poem, or easily poetry? in case you place on all black, hear to My Chemical Romance, and plan to grant that poem to a skinny boy with a edge of hair overlaying a million/2 his face, you have have been given your self a winner. in any different case, google the a number of poetry greats available, examine up, and discover ways to rhyme before you attempt to place in writing. "Poetry" that reads: i'm so chilly My cat died on the instant The lasagna is thoroughly stale God my existence sucks good now does not take a great sort of creativity and easily expertise, whether a great sort of paintings is going into it. My verdict: from the middle? in all probability, yet actual under mediocre as far as poetry is going.

Answer 5

This poem is really about a lost relationship and is probably the result of not really dealing with why the relationship went bad, in the first place. Deal with your relationship first then write a poem without placing blame on the other party.

Answer 6

its really direct, and to the point. sometimes its better to leave the meaning of a phrase to peoples imagination. the only line that had an imagery was the one about the dove. The rhyming pattern is a bit off, but it does sound as though you were trying to express your emotions, and that's what art is about 6/10

Answer 7

i liked this, but yes, it seemed like you were being a little too literal. i feel like you are trying to hard to rhyme by using "numbered" and "murdered"- these words don't really flow off each other very well. also, "communication" and "irritation" don't really slow together. im not crazy about stanza 4 in general. i really like the emotional feeling that i get from stanza 2 and stanza 5. the ending is really beautiful. just work on the middle a bit. =)

Answer 8

I think it is very good. I like you ryhming and I envy you for it. I am a poet myself, and I always said rhyming and making sound like a poem that comes from your heart is the most difficult thing in poetry. Well Done.

Answer 9

It's a great peom. I love the way you made it rhyme. You seem like a good peot so check out my question. It's more like a contest but you are very well qualified for it.

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=AtclXdyd79lmWDFmwbWLaVVp.Bd.?qid=20070809193702AAlcy3g

And hey that's a great peom.

Answer 10

it;s good honest
but...it's really jumbled
try to stick to a topic and extend it in the next stanza
otherwise it's great