I'm living a double life with my family and need some serious advice.?

Question

I feel like I'm living a double life with my divorced parents. They're polar opposites; my mom is a successful business woman, very independent, and addicted to painkillers [which i mentioned in a previous question]. My dad is a biker [harleys], lots of tattoos, and an iron worker who is a raging alcoholic.

My parents bash each other to me, my mom just gets off on telling me all the problems in their former marriage. My dad on the other hand will only make little comments every now and then. When I'm at my dad's I try so hard to not act like my mom I'm this "tell it like it is" tough girl that he really gets a kick out of which is partially me, but when I'm with my mom I'm just trying to impress her with anything I accomplish because I know she's trying to live vicariously through me but she also wants me to be successful as a person versus my dad who just wants me to be happy. Both sides are me but it seems like an act and it's starting to really break me down.
Any advice?

Answer 1

Since it's clear you love both of your parents equally (though I'm sure for different reasons!) just recommending that you move away with no forwarding address won't work here. Unfortunately, there is no easy answer to your dilemma; however, I'd like you to stop thinking of yourself as "acting" or being phony or disingenuous. What you're just doing is something we ALL do, probably far more often than we're aware of: you're simply revealing different aspects of yourself, your personality, to different people at different times under diverse circumstances! There's nothing wrong with that! So, continue to love them, give each of them that part of you that they need, for as long as you can. Remember, you won't have 'em forever, and when you look back, you'll be amazed at how selective your memory becomes!

Answer 2

Thats really tough. Your parents shouldnt put you in the middle. As your parent and caring how you feel they should never say bad things about one another to you. They should bite their tongue and do the best they can to be friends. After all they are no longer together for a reason so why go on about it. They should simply live their seperate lives, have a happy relationship (and their own relationship) with you and let it be at that.

I know this isnt much help telling you how to handle it. I just think your parents need to stop and think more about you and less about their own satisfaction of dogging on another.

If I where you I would simply tell the both of them you love them but, you dont want to hear it anymore. The only person they are hurting is you. Maybe that would be an eye opener for them. I would express to them how you feel. There is no sense in them breading hate because they cannot make it as a couple.

Your well being should be #1 in both of their eyes and its sad if its not.

Answer 3

Your best bet is to cut your mom off when she starts telling you about her previous marital issues. You're her child/daughter, and not her girlfriend or therapist. She isn't respecting you when she does this and I'm sure she doesn't mean to dis you and doesn't even think twice about it. She probably just wants you to see HER side of things and get a better understanding. As for your father, well there really isn't anything you can do besides hand him a pamphlet for the effects of alcohol. Not to say that will help. What both your parents need to understand is that you're their child and they should treat you as such and also respect your feelings. I bet your parents don't even know you feel this way about them. Children have nothing to do with their parents divorce and it sucks when parents feel the need to give the kid all the minor details on what went wrong and their own personal opinions on the other parent. Tune them out! You carry on with your life the best way you know how. If push comes to shove, tell your mom and dad how they make you feel. Especially your mom. She isn't right.

Answer 4

Be yourself at all time consider their feelings sometimes but not all the time because it will drain you. This is an issue that they have to solve on their own,don't try to make it your problem or responsibility; which is what it sound like. Let your parents figure it out. Focus on what you want and get really good at it, I'm sure it will impress your mom and your dad because you're happy and doing what you like. If they talk BAD about each other in front of you, tell them to keep it to themselves; you feel and judge by what they do and say to you, not what they did to one another. All will be well, good luck!

Answer 5

Sorry that ur having troubles adapting to ur parents divorce, and im sorry it seems that neither of them is handling it well with u.. (alot of spite still)..

You are being u, theres nothing really abnormal in what your feeling or doing..

My parents are divorced.. and my dad was/is old fashioned, strict, alot of morals and values etc.
And my mom was the total opposite, free spirit, let us do whatever we wanted.. very down to earth etc..

So i was different in both households as well.. at my fathers i had to be prim and proper, and u knew that alot of subjects were taboo to even talk about cause of him being so old fashioned..

My mom on the other hand i dressed how i wanted, actted over the edge cause well her lack of dicipline caused us not to respect her very much.. but i also knew i could talk to her about anything and everything she was more like my best friend then a mother (i lived with my dad)

Your whole life there are going to be times that u dont totally act like urself.. You wouldnt act the same at a club with ur best friend as u would with your boss at work.. so there will always be times that u feel ur personality changes depending on ur environment.. thats not bad, nor not normal.. its normal..

Love ur mom and dad, do the best that u can, to feel relaxed in both environments.. the spite games will eventually slow down the more time goes by, learn from ur parents mistakes so that u , urself when u become a parent u know not to make the same mistakes with ur kids..

Good luck

Answer 6

Yes, I have some advice.

First talk to your mom about how you don't like her bashing your dad.

second, imagine yourself on how you would act if they were both together. which parts of those alter ego's would actually be dominant? would you be the tough girl, the successful girl, or someone totally different?

incorporate all the things you want to be into one person and stay that way no matter where you go, because that's you.

Figure out who *you* are.

Answer 7

I feel so sorry for you...I know how you feel because I was there once.

Your parents have put you in a horrible position...the middle. They are your parents and you love them both so what you are doing is trying to survive their divorce...hugs to you...because you don't want to have to take a SIDE!!!

Hang in there, it does get better as you grow older. You have to decide how you want to live YOUR life as adult. The up side is, you see bad behavior first hand and how it affects life in a negative way so you don't make their mistakes. I sure both of your parents want you to be happy because they both love you...just not each other.

Answer 8

You fail to mention your age, but the thing that you have yet to realize is that it is YOUR life that you have to live. Not your mothers and not your fathers. I would act no different around each of them as you would around your own friends. Be yourself. If anything is said by your parents, then gently remind them that you have your own life to live and cannot be made a clone to either one of them. I am sure that they will love you all the same as before. To put on different faces to each parent so as to please each one separately is ridicules.

Answer 9

That sounds like an extremely unhealthy situation in both homes..... I suggest that you tell one or the other of them that you'd like to get involved with some therapy.. in order to deal with the conflict that you feel between the two homes... To get started, do not tell either of them that it is about them or the other... emphasize that no one is wrong.. it's just hard due to the fact that they are so different.
A professional can help you find YOURSELF in all this mess.

Answer 10

You've identified what kind of person your parents want you to be and you've figured out ways to be that way. But I think the real trick is figuring out who you want to be and who you are, regardless of your parents' expectations.

My suggestion: put a stop to the trash talk from your parents about each other. It's not appropriate for you to get stuck in the middle. Let them know you don't want to hear it.

Then, figure out who YOU are, for you.