Poem how is it?

Question

These things,
make me remember you.
Sometimes,
at the end of November,
when the wind catches the leaves,
and the dusk runs away at five,
I remember you.

When the air stirs with a stench.
And the wind hits my lungs
brisk,
I remember you.

On occasion,
Looking at the stones
on the beach,
beneath my feet,
so far away from life,
I remember you.

I can't remember how you were,
but only how you are.
So subtle that thought.
Like an unexpceted breeze.
Or the darkness of room
whose light has vanished.
When I write my poetry.
I quiver with that one impression,
I remember you.

I really Love what you did DMC, but the problem with editing is that once a work is edited it is no longer created by your own mind, but is inflicted by the mind of another.

Answer 1

This doesn't just lend itself to love poetry. To me, it lends itself to the memory of a lost loved one. Of course every poem will be viewed by the history of the reader, and I lost my mother 18 months ago, so this poem reminds me of her, and sadness and missing her.

Answer 2

It is nice, but here are my suggestions:

These things,
make me remember you.
[-] At the end of November,
when the wind catches the leaves,
and the dusk runs [-],
I remember you.

When the air [-] swirls with stench.
And the wind hits my lungs
brisk,
I remember you.

On occasion,
[-] I glimpse the stones
on the beach [-] beneath my feet,
so far away from life,
I remember you.

I can't remember how you were,
but only how you are.
So subtle that [-] difference,
Like an unexpected breeze.
Or the darkness of a room
whose light has vanished.
[-] As I write my poetry,
I quiver with that one impression,
I remember you.

I tried to denote where I made changes or deletions by inserting [-]

Answer 3

It's awesome!! Good to use on Valentine's Day or a Soul-mates' Birthday!

Answer 4

Good imagery, use of free verse, personification, metaphor and simile. Fine poem!

Answer 5

It would make for a very good love song...