How to deal with controlling husband?

Question

My husband recently lost a job that he worshipped. Since then, he has become very controlling. He accuses me of emailing men, he goes thru my cellphone and call the numbers, he complains about the way I do stuff, he calls me sneaky, now he complains about what I wear to work. He is like Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde. One minute we're fine, then the next he's angry about something. Lately he's been clocking me on how long it should take me to get home from work or anywhere else. If I don't answer the phone on the second ring, he get very angry and wonders where I am, if I'm in the shower and he calls, he gets very upset. I told him I was leaving and he threw all of my stuff out of the closet onto the floor. Then he told me the door was open. So I took my chances and left. Now he thinks I'm coming back home. Please tell me what I should do? I don't know if I can take his controlling behavior anymore.

Answer 1

i do not think that his problem is of recent origin or triggered by the loss of job.
this type of behaviour borders on being mildly schizophrenic and is far more common than one would imagine...................
sumtimes it is the husband
sumtimes the wife too!
I sympathise with u and guess uve done the right thing
I do not see the problem going away and this kind of behaviour is possesiveness at its extreme towards one u love and think u own.
if u recollect u will find that this behaviour must have been there earlier too, sumtimes active sumtimes passive and sumtimes directed at another person who is close
so just start afresh
u cudnt be going wrong
and good luck

Answer 2

He seems to be extremely insecure. He might have been that way somewhat when you married him..and now the loss of his job could push him past somewhat and into the extreme. Think about his past behaviour over the years. Is it an escalating problem or is it just since the job loss?

Once you have a firm grasp on your memory of his past behaviour over a long period of time compared to now.. then you have something your husbands physician can use.

Sometimes the doctor can see past the obvious to the obscure but he will need your help because your husband might not be willing to give all the information the doctor needs. Write down any small things ..changes physically or in his thought processes that you have noticed.. even things which may seem insignificant, like extra hair loss..or ups and downs in moods.. You can always make an appointment with his doctor ahead of time and discuss what to do. Your husband is not well and you know him better than anyone else.

Just consider the past love you had for him before all of this. Think it over long and hard. If he is ill you will regret not seeing past the illness to the love you know you have had for him without this behaviour thrown into the mix. You do not have to go back..but you can use it as a carrot if things change in his mind. You don't promise...but you suggest.

Answer 3

If you leave the house he may wind up with it in the divorce settlement. Go back home, move into a separate bedroom and tell him to get a life.

I bet he was a workaholic before the job went south. I bet he was the boss too and was great at his job. A man like that is a born boss, a boss of everything and everyone. Don't stand for it or he will having you behaving like a 10 year old. Take as long as you want to come home from work.

I bet he doesn't have one friend in the world and is not close to his family either.

Do not make his problem yours. Stand up and be your own person.

Answer 4

You have two choices.

1. Leave him. Call an attorney. Don't look back.

2. Try to make it work... but don't do it on HIS terms. Make an appointment with a marriage counselor. Tell him to go with you, or you're through. If he says no, then go back to #1. If he agrees, then go with him. A counselor can help him understand what he is doing and why. It will help you identify the real problems you are having, and to find creative and constructive solutions. Eventually he will need to see his doctor to treat his depression, which is likely a cause of his problem, but you can start with the counselor. If he follows through on all of it, then you've got your old husband back. Yay! If not... there is always #1 again. It is not worth being controlled to stay married.

Well, there is a third possibility, too. Stay. Be controlled. Be miserable. Too many women put themselves through that. I pray you will not be one of them. I understand that your husband is depressed and confused, but you deserve better.

Good luck!

Answer 5

I suggest you go to counseling.

It would seem that losing his job has made him feel that he has no control over his world and he also feels inferior. He tries to control you as a means of hanging on to his dignity.

Of course this will not work and only drive you away. If you do want to be there just tell him that whether he's working or not, he's still loved just as much and you are still the very same person he married. Then tell him if he doesn't lighten up you will definitely leave for good.

Answer 6

That was the right decision to leave.

He may eventually start promising to change because he wants you back. If you are thinking about giving it a second chance, you REALLY need to demand that the two of your attend marital counseling and that he attend some anger management BEFORE you go back to him.

Marital counseling does not mean everything will work out in the end. You may find out that this marriage just will not work and that divorce is best.

Answer 7

Inform him that you are setting up counseling for him and you both as a couple and for him separately, either he agrees to attend and work on issues or he needs to get the hell out. Inform him acting like a 6 yr old throwing a temper tantrum is not going to get his job back nor get him another in the near future.
He is probably feel a little out of control, especially if there are financial issues. Seeing a counselor can help.

Answer 8

I wouldn't go back too soon. He needs to understand and believe that you love him the same without a job. Maybe you can show him this from a distance while he prove to you that he can stop this nonsense.

He clearly need to get himself together. I'm no psychologist but it seems that since he lost his job he think he is less of a man and not the man you want .He thinks you are looking elsewhere for the man he used to be. I am sure he'll regain his self confidence when he find another job.

Answer 9

It sure sounds like a separation is in order. You don't have to dive into divorce but being separated and having a cooling off period can often help people put things into perspective. Sorry to say as obvious as it is, that your husband needs anger management and behavior therapy. But usually the people who need it most, refuse to go. So during this separation, don't contact him. Let him contact you. Then tell him you can't live this way and you want him to get help in order to work things out. If he isn't willing to put effort into fixing the relationship, take care of yourself and end it.

Answer 10

Was he anything lke this before the job was lost? He is probably affraid of loosing anything more. Do you want your relationship with him to last, or are you OK with moving on. Communication needs to take place, with him acting "irrationaly" you probably should do it in the setting of a counselor where you meet with them both indvidually and as a couple. Good luck. If he has hit you or abused you in any way - protect yourself - call the cops on him