I wanted to share something with you?

Question

this is a peom I wrote & I won several awards for it, hope you like it, I am not making an antiwar statement just a statement.
For us to win,
and them to lose,
is often times,
hard to choose,
if it was worth,
the lives it cost,
to suffer through,
the human loss,
to go to war,
and not come home,
when kids grow up,
all alone,
to lose a mother,
or a father,
kills the souls,
of son and daughter,
till the day ,
theyv'e wept and cried,
remembering then,
one who died.

Answer 1

Congrats on writing an award winning poem. I'm not sure if you just wanted to share this with us, or if you'd like comments regarding how to improve it. It's a good poem, the rhyme is pretty good, and the feeling is that the words fit and are not forced. There are, however, a few spots that show you either didn't post the exact version of what you entered in the contest, or that you made a few typos or omissions when you posted it here.
For example, "they've" not "theyv'e", you need a "the" in the last line to even out the beats and make the phrase flow more naturally (the one who died). I'd also have suggested "until the day" instead of "till the day" for the same reason: beats.
Regarding the concepts, I'm not sure it's really all that difficult to choose between whether we want to "win or lose"...I would never endorse I war I didn't "want" to win...whether or not I did win is up to factors beyond my control, but I'd certainly "choose" to win.
If I sound "nit-picky" it's only because that's what any poem needs...no matter how many awards it may have won, if it can be improved, you should try to improve it. Edward Fitzgerald wrote the most widely read poem in the English language...it's called "The Rubaiyat of Omar Khayyam" and if you haven't read it, you might want to put it on your reading list. His first translation/version has sold more copies than any other single English poem in history (outside of the bible), yet he edited and published at least 3 other versions of it "after" he was successful because he thought he could make it better. Did he make it better? It's a tough call, because the original is the one most often cited...yet there are those who would claim that each version was more accurate than the previous. So, edit if you want to improve, even if it's already doing, or has done, well...or not, it's your poem and obviously your choice.

congrats again, and keep writing

Answer 2

I proportion all i will on account that existence sometime ends for me and that i like to proportion what I even have terrific (custom, innovations, poems, and so on) What i do no longer desire to proportion relatively: my husband and my daughter (in spite of the actuality that i be conscious of it relatively is totally impossible rrrrrrssssss) yet mostely i do no longer condsider myself as a egocentric guy or woman, you be conscious of???????

Answer 3

Wonderful.

Answer 4

You punch like a boxer! Well done! Send a copy to the President!

Answer 5

It does flow nicely. Clearly expressed. Emotional. Very good.

Answer 6

Lovely. What a sweet poem on war.

Answer 7

OMG, you are a gifted poet. Take a star♥
You should make your own book. If you have anymore please email me at [e-mail]. You are so good!
=]

Answer 8

That was beutiful!!!!!!! I love it!!! bravo !!!......... Sorry, what I said was kinda geekish but I mean what I said up there. It Was Great!!!!!! (You should do it for a living)!

Answer 9

touching.
you are a very talented poet. it would be ridiculous for you not to be one :]


God Bless.

Answer 10

Wow... that was pretty cool actually! nice work there!