Can we be saved? Was I right to leave?

Question

Basically, the short version of the story is that my husband is incredible and loving...when he's not having a tantrum. But when he gets stressed, and gets so angry he has been known to break things, yell, rage, and be verbally abusive. This has been going on in a cycle for a few years...but I never thought it was that bad because all the other times besides when he was angry he was great. When he's calm he tells me he knows he has a problem with anger. A week ago he had another rage and I lost it. I packed my things, and headed for my mothers. We have agreed to stay apart for 6 months, get individual therapy and see what happens. He's moving into a friends and I'm going back to our place when he's finally moved out. We have only spoken to talk about bills we owe, etc. Sometimes he calls when he's really sad and I feel terrible. I took the animals with me which he loves and he says he misses them so much. He keeps using my nicknames. I feel horrible about the whole thing. Am I wrong?

Answer 1

You DID do the right thing. He has a problem that needs to be addressed by anger management therapy. One thing to be very thankful for is the fact he realizes he has a problem, BUT is agreeable in working on it. At least he's not ignoring it & "stuffing it". I'm sure he's sad & lonely because his whole world is upside down. But do encourage him that he's doing the right thing & at least now you have a chance of having a happy relationship. I certainly do give BOTH OF YOU credit on doing what you've done. Sure it's going to be rough, but the end result w/certainly be well worth it. I'm sure w/help, you're going to see a whole new person. When he gets to the reason of his anger, works on controlling it, getting rid of it period, you should be fine. Tell him he means more to you than words can describe just for the simple fact he's willing to make things rite. Just hang in there & I certainly wish all good things for you & your marriage. Don't feel horrible, feel grateful. Not everyone is willing to accept their weaknesses, at least he did. By you not being w/him, he'll have more time to focus on himself & getting the help he needs. Blessings on you both for careing as much as you do for one another. Just be as supportive as you're being. That's what he needs the most at this point in time.

Answer 2

Nope it's just really hard that's all. You did exactly what you should do in a situation like that. You stopped it before it got any worse.

You are not trying to punish him, his actions led to this result. It's important for him to realize that you can't be with him if he chooses to act this way. I'm so glad you are both going to therapy that will really help. Then when your therapists say its time have some couples therapy to. Continue to let him know that the behavior was unacceptable but that you're willing to give it a chance. My husband and I went through something similar and we are still together 7 years later. Our marriage is sooooo much better than it ever was back then. Really use this time to work on you so that whether he changes or not you have worked through your feelings and problems and then you will be able to handle whatever comes your way.

I hope it works out for you two

Answer 3

You are not wrong. It seems like he gets worse through time, and if he's breaking things and being verbally abusive, then there is a good chance he may become physically abusive one day. He seriously needs to take anger management classes. It's OK to be apart for now, if you both go to counseling, and both love each other and want to work at it, then everything will be fine in the long run. Good luck to you hun.

Answer 4

If you are an escapist... Run away... Break it apart... Go for divorce. Its what everyone seems to be opting for nowadays! What's the big deal if you name adds up in the list?... lol

But if you really love him, there's no bloody reason in this world for leaving a man who is "incredible and loving" as you said, especially when the helpless chap has himself admitted that he's a problem with anger!! Pleaseeeeeee, go back home, help him deal with it by you sitting on his side and being a BIT more tolerant. This is the moment where he expects his better-half to understand his moods... when no one else seems to bother!

Once the understanding is back, suggest him to take professional help so that this doesn't happen often in your home. Its much simpler than breaking apart I guess?!!

Its your choice, but the more time you take to get back to him now, the more distance you create between the two of you....

Answer 5

Have him get a physical check up immediately looking for any chemical imbalances. I am not talking about drug use unless he is taking something which the instructions say might affect mood.

Get him to the doctor. Think about his diet, etc. I know it's hard to remember..but you probably promised for better or for worse. Also.. anger management classes are an excellent way to help him get past this tremendous deficit which is destroying both your peace. Do not move back until he has it WELL under control and the doctor assures you that the time is right.

Answer 6

First and formost do NOT give in. This will only allow him to think that his behavior is acceptable to you. He must not only seek therapy but enroll into a stress and anger management course. Therapy is great but unless he gets to the root of the problem and how to deal with it therapy won't do much goo. Yes you two can be saved with much work and patience. Stay apart for the time, you can remain friends and when he calls allow him to talk to you. In the course of many marriages ability to openly talk to the other tends to go out the window with out even realizing it. Now its time to form a new friendship and help him through this hard time, even if you do decide that being married isn't the best you both can remain friends during his time of treatment. Good luck to you both.

Answer 7

You're not wrong but if you plan to keep your marriage after therapy then you should talk to your husband regarding your marriage instead of only the bills. Unless you are through with the marriage and if this is the case you should let him know that you have no intentions of getting back together.

Answer 8

try to work things out. I am going through this same problem with my fiance. he will get mad over little things and they blow up. he has never hit me, but he has broken things and yelled alot. Best thing to do is talk to him if you consider getting back with him. Tell him how much you care, and you wanna work things out. Its really sad, but theres probably a reason for it. My fiance works in the 105 degree weather over here in phoenix and he isnt always happy. Ask him when he gets mad, whats the matter, why are you yelling, do you wanna talk about something. I think you should sit down and have a adult conversation with him, and find out what the problem is. I have done this with my fiance, and we are fine now. good luck girl!

Answer 9

Not only does you both need individual counseling but you need couples counseling with someone trained to deal with couples.

You running to your mom's didn't improve the situation, running away from a problem that can likely be remedied with a few sessions about communications in the relationship was not the right thing to do but can be corrected.

Ask if him if he is willing to see a counselor together and begin finding tools to bring things up in a non-assaultive manner.

he does need to get control of the emotional tyrades, but relationship problems are "interactions" and not solely the "actions" of one..

Answer 10

The guilt you are feeling is the love reminding you how you feel about your man. You were correct in putting your foot down,and he needs to figure out why he gets that way. But i bet he already knows why he is its just up to him to chage the behavior. Dont give up,he loves you and you have a good marrage from your statements. Take the time to heal yourself and to help your hubby...gl