How to get husband to grow up and be a man?

Question

Married 13 years... We have had our ups and downs like most couples. Our son is 8 years old. Problem is that my husband comes home and with in 20 minutes of being home goes into the computer room to play and even eats dinner in there at least 3 nites a week. While I cook and clean he plays. first thing in the morning he states "You forgot to dry my uniform last night". Not good morning or anything else. I still have to make his lunch unless I want him to spend 10.00 on lunch daily. Promises to do little chores then days later still undone. He does not understand why I dont feel like sex at the drop of a hat. It is like having an overgrown teenager in the house and when you are living like a parent figure it is impossible to ever have intimate feeling for them. It has gotten to the point that just daily conversations with him make me furious. He refuses to see that I am frustrated and not trying to control him.

Answer 1

Truthfully it is not your responsability to "get him to grow up" and also from my experiance it doesn't work the more you try the more they resist. I started to just do my own thing and I have 5 kiddos, I got tired of waitting on him. This is a huge issue in a marriage and I understand why you don't want to have sex, you could try and explain the biggest turn on for a mom is to have the help of cleanning, try to give him a new chore list after that talk and then see what his response is. Counseling is another idea for sure, but if he won't change you can't make him, it sucks believe me I know, but quit waitting on him hand and foot and see how he likes that!

Answer 2

i'm sure he works hard too though, right? I understand where you're coming from though, don't get me wrong, that would drive me insane...i wouldn't want another teen figure when they're supposed to be grown. But thats the thing with men, they never grow up...at any age! Try next time not talking in a frustrated manner, keep your cool and just let him know that you should BOTH want to set a good example for your son...cleaning, having fun. When he gets home maybe he could take him to go play a sport or do some guy thing. For dinner i would just set the table really nice and just set the food there and make it seem like you just want to have family time a couple nights a week but not every night. Hopefully that will help and make you happy!

Answer 3

i would first get a babysitter and go out with him to a restaurant and have a conversation. that way you are out of the house, and you're kind of tied there until the conversation is over. be very calm and in control of your emotions, and tell him that this is a very serious issue that is undermining the stability of your relationship. tell him there needs to be some changes, and make sure you have a succint list of things you need him to help you with. tell him that his behavior has made you irritable and you find it hard to have loving feelings for him, that you care about the relationship, and that hereally needs to make some changes or you don't see this relationship staying as it is. that way you are giving him a chance to uphold his own integrity. ask him that you don't really want to have to remind him, but you will for a while if he thinks it would be helpful. to be fair to him, ask him what his thoughts are in the relationship and what changes he sees that need to be made. hopefully this will open some doors into his head. if this doesn't work, then you have three choices: 1) which is my least favorite, recognize that this it the man you married and you get what you see 2) stop cooking for him, make him take care of his own uniform, and stop doing a whole array of things that you usually do to make his life comfortable or 3) tell him you can no longer have a marriage with him and he needs to consider getting divorced. personally, i can't stand an kid-grown up and i would rather be married to a partner rather than a dependent.

Answer 4

I bet he was a mama's boy. Raised with all the work done by his mother. All his laundry..even when he was old enough to do it, taken care of and even put away I bet. It's all about him. The men will say that YOU need to do more to get him away from the computer, however, since he is still immature, that's not the answer. He is no longer single or a little boy and he needs to grow up. Stop doing anything for him and teach your son not to be a mama's boy. He will learn, or not, then you can decide whether you want two children or a husband.

Answer 5

You pretend for a change that you are not felling fine and watch how he will handle it. If possible travel for a weekend and leave him behind .There is no amount of talking you can do with that kind of person because the mother must have over-mothered him.Experience is the best teacher for that type of person. You may now create activities that will involve him or when you come home once in a while you too go to the computer room and pretend to be busy and see what happens

Answer 6

I am sure you married him knowing he was like this.

So why let frustration take over your life now?

I had a girlfriend who was a foster parent for awhile.. and one of the children she cared for came to her at age eight. a little boy.. abandoned by his parents.. he was so insecure that she literally had to hold his hand every minute for several weeks until he could relax and trust more than he was able to when he first arrived. She got him into therapy and so on ..

But what I am trying to say is.. when you marry someone.. the responsibility for prior knowledge can't be ignored. My girlfriend knew the boy needed far more than anyone else could give him at that point in his life.. and so she just gave it freely. She knew before she got him he was that way and she loved him anyway. She still loves him and makes sure he gets to visit her often though he is in another home with adoptive parents now.

Love your baby boy anyway...you know you do. Find outlets for your energy which do not include any further backstabbing or regret. You may be surprised to find his interest in your lives together may perk up and become far better than before. Marriage goes through many stages. Best to enjoy him while you can. You never know what might happen tomorrow.

Take up tennis. It uses alot of energy and time. It hones the body and mind using your natural desire to be precise. If that doesn't appeal.. then as I suggest to so many .. look in your phone book for the local chapter of Habitats for Humanity..and get busy. Maybe your husband will follow you into the realm of adulthood..maybe not..but at least you will know you ARE and will continue to do YOUR best no matter what without any more complaining and just learn to love him better.

One of the most important things about marriage is to never believe you are better or worse than your spouse. Everything in life is usually balanced, often in subtle ways. One spouse might be the kind who wants to bar hop..the other might want to go to church every night...

Marriage is about learning one anothers weaknesses and strengths and deciding everyday to honor and uphold your spouse no matter what.

Answer 7

Obviously, he takes you as a joke! I have been married 1 year and 3 weeks and I had the same issue and my husband did the exact same thing. One day he made me so upset playing a video game...I went upstairs and got my purse and I left the house. I left him a letter saying i did not marry him to be a maid or a silent partner ot to be treated as if I only exist in the bed. I was leaving. well he got that message and called begged me to come home and I have not had that problem since...but I do find men need some men time. And my husband doesnot have a lot of family or friends where we live, so some of thatis his way to wind down or just have some "me time."

Answer 8

It just sounds like you two aren't being very sensitive to each other's needs and wants. You should try bridging the gap, and instead of getting furious over everything he does wrong - start appreciating what he does right. He might start to come around, if you show him a little respect. He probably feels underappreciated. This is just my opinion of course, but if you've tried everything else - give this idea a go.

>>>>>> I only say this because nagging is the only other option, that I can think of... And I'm 98% certain that nagging will only make things worse between the two of you.

Answer 9

Well if he is behaving like a teenager than he should be treated like one if u know what I mean since he only likes to play video games and have is dinner there lay the rules on him that can't be done and that if he does no dinner for him and he is grounded and if asked than just let him know that if he stops acting like a teenager than he will be treated as a man

Answer 10

You no longer interest him. He is at the computer because that is where he finds happiness. Have you ever went to the computer room when he is there and tried to entice him to get off the comp? I bet you haven't. You probably just complain about it and never do anything to help the situation. The more you get mad about it the more he will avoid you; I guarantee it. You are trying to control him and you are jealous of the computer.