Like my poem? HOLDING ON - POEM 00004?

Question

HOLDING ON

We need someone to hold
at night, during the day, always
and we hold on like there is no tommorow
as the winds blow and trees fall and rain pours
But we can't hold on too tight
Every time we do...
Death comes and takes the ones we love the most away
Not the ones we don't care about, the ones most dear
maybe it was because we held on too tight
or maybe...

please do not publish my poem without giving me credit.

Answer 1

This one tries too hard. And, your form is pretty static. I want fluidity.

Answer 2

Generally, your poem is unfocused. Your lines are uneven without purpose and some of the phrases are redundant. Sounds bad, but it's not as bad as it sounds. In fact, most of your mistakes are pretty common ones that new poets go through on the way to becoming better ones. For example, your starting line should set up your poem: "We need someone to hold"...okay, got it. Next line, "at night, during the day, always"...whoa! at night, during the day...'and' always? why not just 'always'? Doesn't "always" include day and night? You say that we hold on like there's no tomorrow (cliche) and then say that we "can't" hold on too tight...but I think you actually mean to say that we "shouldn't" hold on too tight. How do you get from holding on too tight to a conscious effort on the part of death to take only those we care about away? and going on to say that the ones we don't care about are not taken? how many people die every day that you don't care about...is this number less than that of those who you care about each day? I don't think so. You leave your poem unfinished, hanging, because your circular logic has come back to the fact that it might be due to holding on too tight...but maybe not...what?

The good news is that you can fix this...make your poem more concise and direct at the same time...for example,

"Forever needing someone to hold
We hold in spite of wind, rain or falling trees
Perhaps sometimes too tight
For Death seems more willing
To take the ones we love most...
Is how tightly we hold the cause
Or is perception just the symptom?

Not exactly Robert Frost, but you see how I took the thoughts you expressed in a round about way and tried to condense their essence into something more brief? and instead of ending with a fading ellipses of indecisiveness, I left a solid question. Why a question? because it's often better to leave the reader in a position where they must figure out the answer, than trying to preach a specific thought or conclusion that they might not agree with.

In any event, think about my suggestions and edit until you get something that truly says what you wanted to say in a simpler way.

keep writing

Answer 3

yes I like your poem,its a little rough around the edges, but it speaks your heart.I like to write poetry too,a good site for u to check out for pointers is allpoetry.com give it a try

Answer 4

ok I like this one but not as much as I like 00002 this one sounds more like a monologue from a book or play than a poem but still very deep and very thought provoking

Answer 5

Lol.

Deep.

Also awkwardly comical.

Answer 6

wow