Losing you
The cloud changes its face
just because it saw me first
I am just surviving each day
In time it will pass
But for now, I cry inside
Till I can cry on the outside
Till the fog is lifted and the pain is gone.
I'll always remember you, Always.
2007-08-09 06:55:29 · 3 answers · asked by on_the_move4ever 3 in Arts & Humanities ➔ Poetry
you may use or publish my poems as long as I get credit as the author. I dont' want anyone to use my poems as their own, but if I get credit for it, you can use it however you like.
If you are paid for use of my poem, I would like 50% of whatever money you make with it.
2007-08-09 07:08:58 · update #1
The first two lines are great...then it slides a little,
2007-08-09 07:51:23 · answer #1 · answered by TD Euwaite? 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Your first two lines set up an expectation of greatness that vanishes in the third line...you went from poetic to mundane. Keep the first two lines and condense (no pun intended) the rest of the poem's thoughts into a tight, concise statement about your loss. Saying "I am just..." No, no, no...you're telling..."show" me! don't "tell" me! Your first two lines "show"...they make a wonderful image in our minds...keep that up! "cry on the inside" "cry on the outside"...trite, weak, shallow...come on, you got it in you because you showed it to us in the first two lines.
think! ...and keep writing...I want to see how it turns out! :)
2007-08-13 10:39:51 · answer #2 · answered by Kevin S 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
That is an awesome poem.
That would be like one that I would memorize so I could quote it.
2007-08-09 13:59:08 · answer #3 · answered by vanessa b 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋