Okay I decided to post my worst poem first?

Question

A single word from thy mouth
by: Amy

At night time when all is asleep, he comes out
Mr. No one, as he calls himself humbly.
And at night he visits the places he use to love
and the people that use to love him
He is no one, but a voice from the past
A memory
Yet he hopes to evoke imagination
and a determined heart
To stand up for what is right
to fight till the fight is done
“No more will darkness rule!” He screams.
Until he finds out nobody cares
and he walks away mournfully in the dark
But he will come out again-
when all eyes are shut
when people dream
Yet he hopes there might be someone out there to stand.
Today.

I need some critique.
Thanks...
and please don't just say hmmm...

Answer 1

It's not really a good idea to start out by saying you are posting your worst poem first. That statement produces other ideas in the minds of readers:

1) You are telegraphing your own insecurity about what you write. You are saying, it's ok if you don't like THIS one, because it's my worst one, and I have better ones in my drawer.

2) It tells readers to have a field day with your precious writing.

3) It sets readers up to expect incrementally better work from each successive poem you post.

4) It communicates a subtle disrespect for the very readers from whom you request a critique. I.E., why should we spend our time on something you've admitted is your worst poem?

So I am here to suggest that you never preface a post here with a "disclaimer." Just post it. Don't tell us you already think it's the worst -- or the best -- that you've done. If you want us to judge, don't taint our minds. Let us come to you free of your prejudgments with clean reads of what you've posted.

OK?

On to the poem --- if this is intended to be goth or some other genre that inflicts thee, thine, thy or any other such language upon us, I'm ok with that. But if that's what you're going to do follow it through. Putting "thy" in the title and not following through is a huge disconnect between the title and the poem as far as the reader is concerned. We were expecting something that didn't come.

On to the content of the poem, it's a bit of a "jumble." It is hard to read and get the complete story here. Even if taken literally, it's not clear who this person is or why he comes. You talk about standing up to a fight but there's nothing in the poem that gives us a clue what he is standing up for. Also you use of the word "use" -- get over it. Talk more poetically about the places "he once loved" not "use to love." Talk about the people who loved him at one time, in some other way, not the people who "use" to love him. It's just grammatically wrong and tells us nothing.

OK, that's enough from me. And please understand, this critique was intended to be straightforward to you as an adult, not harsh. I hope you take it in the spirit in which it was offered.

Answer 2

Okay...first, drop the "thy" in the title...if you're not writing a period piece, and you're not a Quaker, then just say "your" like everyone else. I'm not picking on you, because I used to do the same thing when I first started...it just doesn't work...sorry.

On to the poem...when you write a poem, try not to make it sound like you're telling a story in prose. Your first four lines were prose...yeah, I know, but it's still prose. The good news is that you can make it poetry with just a little editing...watch:

When all's asleep, he comes
"Mr. No One", he humbly insists
visiting places he used to love
And those who loved him

Do you see the diffference? do you "hear" the difference? economy of words, creating images without directly describing the event...that's the difference between prose and poetry. The pauses between the phrases force the reader to fill in the blanks for themselves...it's the poetic device that brings the reader "into" the poem instead of being an observer listening to you tell a story.

Also, control the length and breaks of your lines. Line breaks should be made for form and/or tell us where to breathe or pause. You want to lead us to the next line, not drag us along with you. If I said, "those who know nothing of value, value the knowledge of..." what would go in the blank? "nothing"...and you knew that because the proceeding line "lead" you there...and if I can trick you into thinking it's going to be one word, but it turns out to be another...that's really good...and it too is a poetic device...but in either case, it pulls the reader in...and that's what you want.

I'd recommend you rewrite your poem with these concepts in mind and then post them again. I think you have a good ear and only need to work out the kinks to make your poem much better.

keep writing

Answer 3

Interesting....

Answer 4

It's good you got your words down. It's quite ethereal.

Answer 5

I like it. You describe many things with one character...that's poetry.

Answer 6

haha wow! I luv ur avatar is hilarious... but cool!

Answer 7

hmmmmmm