HELP I am in need of solid advice?

Question

I dated this girl 4 years ago we broke up she got married to someone for three years and was abused physically and mentally. I moved back from hawaii to be with her as I do love her very much. In the course of the last month her divorce was finalized, he still trys to controll her , and to top it off the company she worked for shut down. I am starting to feel like the whipping post. Told me she wanted to be single and I needed to move out ect.. Do you think this will pass as she has a lot of stress going on right now.
I moved back from hawaii to be with her as that is what we both wanted and now all this has happened. I know you said to butt out but do you mean forget about her and move on. I am by far not the salvation I just know what we have had is good and dont wanna throw it away
one day she is realy cool then the next day it is like ww3

she is very very independent
I do love her very very much and I let her go once b4 got her back and am scared to let go again. She told me that I am not gonna lose her but there still is that fear

moved back from hawaii 2 months ago she hadnt been with her ex since 0ctober

Answer 1

Try to imagine her situation. She spent 3 years with a man she loved. She trusted him, supported him and took care of him. All through this marriage she is giving, giving and giving. While he kept taking. She trusted this man with her heart. And when you love and trust someone and they don't treat you accordingly. You begin to blame yourself. You can't understand how someone you love so much can treat you so bad. So you examine yourself and actually start believing every word he says. He's managed to beat her down so far that she don't know herself anymore. It literally gets to the point to where you don't even recognize yourself in the mirror. You can't believe it's happened to you and you're so overwhelmed that you don't know even where to begin with making life better. It's like being in a state of shock. This man actually stole her identity from her. He took everything that was good about her and tore it to shreds. She is at her most vulnerable right now as she has been stripped of her self esteem.

So you move back to be with her. But you're not understanding why she's pushing you away. And to be honest with you, she probably don't either. Honestly, she needs to stay single so that she can make herself happy and healthy again. She needs to gain her confidence back and find her identity. She needs to nurture herself. I say this because if she enters into another relationship at the state of mind she is in, the relationship won't last long. Because how is she gonna properly love and take care of a man if she can't love and take care of herself. The resentment she holds for her past marriage could linger into a new relationship if she is not ready. You seem to really care about this women. So the best thing you could do for now is to respect her wishes as her ex did not. Don't push her into anything she's uncomfortable with as she will only push you further away. This woman learned a hard lesson and isn't willing to endure the pain anymore. She is guarding and protecting herself as she should. Right now she don't need a boyfriend but rather a best friend. Someone who will listen and someone she can depend on. Try to understand why she needs space as she must work it out herself. I know this isn't what you want to hear. But I would think that if you love this woman as you claim. You would want her to be happy and healthy regardless she's with or without you. I wish you both the best of luck! Good Luck & God Bless!

Answer 2

Sounds like she's feeling pressure from you being around, if that makes sense. Think about it... if someone moved from across the ocean to be with YOU... that's pretty heavy stuff! You'd feel like, "Gee... if this doesn't work out, I'm going to be such a heel." She may think it's better to not even try than to try and possibly fail and then have that guilt hanging over her.

I think all this stress needs to calm down before she'll be good to try a relationship with you. Back off. Don't tell her you're "waiting for her"-- that's more stress. Just act as if you're going about your life and tell her you're there as a friend if she needs it. Give her time to get her head straight. Then let things develop when she feels calmer.

Right now, she's feeling like... she's got this crazy ex-husband to deal with, she's got to find a job, and now this blast from the past has come back from Hawaii... it's too much (especially if you're living with her!). She's not going to think fondly of you if you're in the picture right now. She may mistakenly associate you with her stress/ bad feelings and things will never work out. Don't be the whipping post. Be kind, but distant for now.

Answer 3

I'd say she is definitely not the same girl you dated 4 years ago. If she truly suffered physical and mental abuse during her marriage, it might have done more damage to her than anyone thinks and it is very hard to tell if it will pass or not, depending on the degree of abuse she suffered. And as long as she is in reach of the ex-husband trying to control her, she will not be able to recover from his abuse and start to stabilize her life. You sound pretty normal, but she has a lot of issues to deal with and I don't think you can provide the kind of help she needs. I think you should move out, and give her lots of space. Frankly, I think she needs some real help from a doctor.

Answer 4

look at the big picture -- you broke up four years ago... she was in need of help and support and turned to you for that.

it wasn't about the fact she's madly in love with you at all.... she was grasping at straws and you were available.

it's too bad you didn't see this coming before you moved from hawaii.

she probably needs time to herself -- when a person comes out of a relationship, the last thing they are prepared for is a new relationship. did you ever hear of jumping from the frying pan into the fire?

for all this woman has been through, she has nothing left emotionally to give to you - she has to take time to grieve, readjust to life, set goals and get over what she's been through.

you have nothing to throw away, except a friendship. she can't handle more than that emotionally. it will take her AT LEAST a year to get back on track... that's true for everyone, not just her.

take care

Answer 5

First of all, she needs to take time for herself to process what she has been through. I suggest a support group at the very least and counseling if she can afford it. Until she has had time to heal and become a whole person again there is nothing that you can do for her. Starting a relationship of any sort at this time would be a huge mistake on her part.

I admire you for wanting to help her but she must help herself first. She must refind her inner strength.

I know you think you understand what she has been throug, but unless you been in that type of abusive relationship, you really can't know how depleted her self-esteem is and how hard it is to return to the real world.

Answer 6

It could be all the stress that's making her a bit out of control but still you have to respect her wishes and move out even though you love her and she loves because if you don't move out she'll feel that you are as bossy and controlling as her husband was and she might feel emotionally abused by you as well. My advice is be a great friend to her and be there for her because you love and keep loving her and hopefully she'll see that you are not like her ex-husband and that all men aren't abusive. Show her love even if it means moving out.

Answer 7

I think it would be a good idea to leave her alone for a while. She is coming off a very emotional time. You may be the safe guy and she could be using you (even subconsciously) so she can feel comfort during this difficult time. I would leave her alone completely for at least 2 months so she can sort out her feelings. It was good of you to move for her. Your heart is in the right place, but hers may not be.

Answer 8

Seems like she needs time with her self trust me you do not need the drama. Once you go on with your life, and she that your happy without her. She might just come to her senses hopefully. But it could be her just going through stress, but that's still no reason to take out on you. I really think you are better off being her friend from a distance. Good Luck!

Answer 9

You are correct. She is under allot of stress and probably will need some counseling to help get past the abuse.
What she needs is time. If you can, honor her requests to move out, but if you really care and don't want to walk away, just let her know that you will be close by if she needs you.
She may appreciate your decision and before long, realize how much she needs you. if she doesn't, you will have to prepare yourself to move on. wish you the best.

Answer 10

Well, if she is like that you need to move on. I know it;s hard especially since you relocated to be with her. I just would hate to see you wait for something that is not going to happen. There's a possibility it may change and a possibility that it may not. I think that she is using you until she figures out what she wants. Move out, start again, date and find someone who appreciates you. If she wants to be with you after that, if you are not with somone else, let her be the one to uproot her life to be with you. I wish you the best of luck!!