Another poem I wrote, please critique?

Question

Rules

A shooting star rips through the dark sky,
Tears my heart in two,
And closes my eyes...

A scene is drawn out in my mind,
The things I must do,
And what I should find...

An empty page lies before me,
The rules aren't written,
And I am lonely...

A single moment ruins it all,
The walls cave in,
And crumble and fall...

Now I know what I must do,
I must not hold back,
And find a way through...

As for now, I need no sign,
To show me the path,
And keep me in line...

I can play by my own rules,
Guide myself;
I need no tools...

A heart, a soul, a mind, a song,
Is all I need,
And I belong...

Answer 1

Moving....very deep....nice. I would take all the "and" out of the last sentences though it sounds better without them.

Answer 2

Okay...your poem is rhymed couplets..although you've softened the rhyme by creating line breaks and extended the second line...not bad. Your beats are irregular and it causes the lines to falter at times...watch those beats!
Your first line ends with "dark sky"...weak. Also, if you edit the first line correctly, you should be able to end with "skies", which will echo better with "eyes" at the end of the stanza. You start three lines with "the", when they might have had better impact without it. Consider starting the lines without "the"...and "and"...watch:

An empty page lies before me,
rules aren't written,
I am lonely...

A single moment ruins it all,
walls cave in,
crumble and fall...

You could add beats with adjectives if you wanted to, but even without such editing, the lines cause more reflection when they don't start with "the" and "and"...because it forced the reader to think...because it sounds less like a sentence where you're "telling" and more like a poem where you're "showing"...except at the end...you need the "and" at the end :)

hope this helps...keep writing

Answer 3

On a scale of 1-10 i rate it a 6

Answer 4

Good use of metaphor. If one thing is missing, it's something concrete. There are a lot of figures of speech, but nothing to which a person might relate.

Without anything to hint at what your real struggle is that you must overcome, a reader is left guessing. Until a real situation emerges that isn't quite so vague, the poem is probably a good journal entry, but no more.

Answer 5

i agree with ldb... figures of speech, unless being turned on themselves to have a new meaning, should generally be avoided. ultimately, there are no rules, but you are painting with a controlled brushstroke, as opposed to going wild.

go wild, let it out, be honest, tell your darkest secrets you dont want anyone to know, and then, edit. dont think so much in your first drafts. you can add rhyme, meter all the flow stuff later on, but get some concrete substance out there, work with that first. and, try to write about something other than writing.

Answer 6

Hurray! Very good!