I've dug up some of my poetry, anyone care to critique them?

Question

Reality

Sometimes I look at the world and I smile,
I toss all my worries off into a pile;
I forget all the bad, all the horrible things,
I leave them behind, like a bird without wings;
For a moment or two, everything seems all right,
Until my problems climb higher, to a glorious height;
As everything happening starts to sink in,
I feel trapped, I feel lost, I feel caged, I feel beaten;
And I'm about to give up when somehow I know,
That whatever I do and wherever I go,
That reality will be tough, will be cruel, will be hard on my mind,
But when I look deep down inside, it's answers I'll find.

btw, redhotgermangrl, i have entered contests (not with this poem, though) and won. I am a "poet-in-training, I guess you could call me :)

oops, just noticed that there shouldn't be a "that" before reality on one of the last lines...

Not all poems are observations. Period.

Answer 1

When you say you are a "poet in training", what exactly does that mean? Are you taking a class? Are you in an MFA program?

You have some stuff in here that would be great, if taken out of this, looked at in better detail and possibly used in an extended metaphor. And no, I do not think a mere thirteen lines gives you the room to move with this.

Stay away from "reality" in a poem. It's just too abstract and really offers nothing but a distraction.

And a side note: don't argue with people giving you feedback. It makes you look petty and not ready for criticism. Being a poet means accepting criticism and moving on. If anyone spends the time to respond to a poem you wrote, you should thank them profusely.

Good luck!

Answer 2

poems are observations like taking a photograph - NOT outpourings of FEELINGS

try re-writing this using the perspective that you are trying to capture a moment but instead of using a camera/film you are using words.

right now this is a bunch of gobbledygook

it's ok to write outpourings of your feelings but keep these to yourself. I write these things too but I don't publish them and I dont' show them to people. they are for ME.
see what I mean?

Answer 3

I like it. It needs a trim here and there. I'm big on economy of words. Try to say more with less. Otherwise, your imagery is good, the meter and scheme work. It's not bad.

Answer 4

pretty good you should put it in a poetry contest you can win money

Answer 5

it was pretty good!!!!