Friends with Benefits - Caught in a lie! Do I stay or go?

Question

I have been seeing this man for 4 months. We started dating & after watching him for a weekend getaway, I realized that he wasnt ready to be in a relationship. He is just out of a 7yr marriage & he has a lot on his mind all the time.
I said to him "let's take the stresses of this & just take thing slow. No pressure of BF/GF & it can be friends with benefits for now.
I told him last week that my feeling were getting stronger for him & I still realize that we are not in a committed relationship, but I wanted him to be aware.
Last night I asked him if he was dating anyone else. He said NO. I asked him if he was sleeping with anyone else. He said NO. Then I told him I knew that he was sleeping with someone else & I was disappointed he lied to me. He said he is not accountable to anyone. I said if we are truely friends, you would respect me and not lie.

Do I have any ground to stand on? What to say to him now? HELP!!

Answer 1

Wow. Dump him for sure!!! "Friends with benefits" is just the nice way of saying, "I want to sleep with you and use your body for my pleasure, but I don't want to commit to the relationship or to you." He sounds like a great big jerk, especially if he lied to you. That is the nail in the coffin - trust is VITAL in any kind of relationship, especially a romantic one. If he is cheating on you now, (even if he doesn't call it that, that's what it is) what will keep him from cheating on you in the future? You deserve SO MUCH BETTER - this guy doesn't deserve any of your time.

Answer 2

No you have no ground to stand on. You told him friends with benefits and he's right about not being accountable to anyone. He shouldn't have lied to you, but at least now you know what you would be getting yourself into if you continued anything with him. I say let him go and you go find someone that is ready to be in a relationship because you can do better.

Answer 3

I agree with everyone else who said that once you agreed to "friends w/ benefits" then yeah you pretty much left yourself open for something like this to happen...that's why you NEVER agree to a relationship like that. It sounds like even though your not pressuring the whole BF/GF issue you have still committed yourself to him but it's obviously one sided which you should have known. I mean it's great if he did tell you about the other woman but if he didn't then you can't really say anything, he's not your BF and it's basically a physical relationship. I guess he could have had a little bit more respect for you but then again you should have more respect for yourself for letting someone have sex benefits with you and that's it. I say start dating other ppl. It's up to you whether or not you want to continue this way but now that your feelings are growing stronger, your setting yourself up for alot of hurt cause he's not ready to be with just you...so the next girl is going to come along and the next one...and the next one after that....and geez who knows what he could bring back to you...gross. See it's kinda like I never understand why ppl get involved in situations that they KNOW are how they are and then turn around and wonder why is this happening....perfect ex. a woman getting involved with a married man then gets all crazy cause he won't leave his wife...HELLO you knew going in you were going to be his toy...why are pissed about it now. I know it's hard to do but if you want to be apart of just a physical situation like this then learn to keep your feelings out of it...cause now your learning the consequences of not doing just that.

Answer 4

Your story doesn't mention any proof that he is sleeping with others. What made you come to this conclusion?? Also I don't think you have any ground to stand on him because you told him no bf/gf, just Fw/B for now. That right there, is no commitment. He does not sound emotionally involved with you, in the way you are with him. I think if you are looking for a stable, monogamous and committed relationship you won't get it from the guy you offered the 'no strings attached' benefits to. Move on, there's plenty of fish in the sea.

Answer 5

I think too many women fall into this trap. The fact is, it is unlikely that a woman can remain a 'friend with benefits' for long without feeling for the guy, if that guy is the only one you are *******. Men have mastered this arrangement b/c they usually have more than 1 woman..Sorry to say it, but the 'friend with benefits' is at the bottom of their hierarchy... a man can stay like that with you forever, while dating 2 other women and deciding to marry another woman!! The lieing to you is proof of that. He would have nothing to lose by telling you the truth, but he can't because that's the fundamental rule...'say what she wants to hear as long as the sex won't be interrupted'. Women usually say that we are o.k with this kind of sex-availability arrangement, with the secret hope that the guy willl like us more for being so 'cool' about it and for wanting to 'avoid the stress of a relationship' but if we accept the truth..it's really farrrr more stress than anythingelse (for us). The fact is, you need to accept that you are a person who gets emotionally attached, hell we all are! as women, after a while, we need more from the person we are allowing to enter between our legs, b/c at the end of the day, we keep whatever was put in. The fact is, women are happy with good sex, and it's rare for us to get it, so when we do, our bodies get used to it and our mind/emotions scream at us to get attached to the object of that good ****. You need to wean yourself slowly away from him..don't cut it off sharply b/c you might end up back in it b/c you miss sex. And while you are 'cutting back' on your benefits..actively search for someonelse who wants to be in a real relationship and who wants only you. You deserve that and it will make you happier.

Answer 6

He's right that he has no accountability to you in a commitment sort of way, but there is still a thing of common decency and respect and since he's a human being, he's accountable to behave like one. If you feel disrespected than it is not okay. But it's also not on him. A person will treat you how you let them treat you, if you don't want to be lied to, don't accept lies. If he's unable or unwilling to be the person you need in your life, even if part-time, YOU have to make that call and let him go. He won't do it for you and neither is it his responsibility. Take care of yourself first and foremost and let everyone and everything be secondary. Good luck.

Answer 7

Your the one and I quote "let's take the stresses of this & just take thing slow. No pressure of BF/GF & it can be friends with benefits for now." so really you can't say anything he was going on your lead, if you didn't want him to see anyone else then you should of never said that.

Answer 8

You allowed the no strings attached thing to come into the relationship. He doesn't owe you anything in that respect. So, you have to have standards and respect yourself. If you truly like the guy, than let him go crazy for a while (but not with you) and see if he comes back a more settled person.

Answer 9

Definately for health reasons you should know if the person you are sleeping with is sleeping with other people, and he should as a friend, respect you enough to let you know. There's obviously nothing you can say or do, to make him get serious with you, he will tell you one thing and do another. The best thing you can do for yourself, is get out now before you get in to deep.

Answer 10

of course you have ground to stand on. be it friends w/ benefits or just friends, he shouldn't have lied to you. I think his saying that he wasn't accountable to anyone proves that he isn't all about making any commitments. i know it's easier said than done, but maybe back off the whole benefits part and just be friends for awhile. he'll realize what he's missing!