Do you and your spouse still enjoy sex (together).?

Question

I have been married for over 7 yrs. I married my wife because she was my best friend, a wonderful person and i loved her. She is pretty and I was attracted to her because of those things, but she has always been a bit overweight. We abstained from sex before marriage so it was fun at first.

As the yrs have gone on, she has kinda let herself go some. She's still pretty and a wonderful person but she is 5'4" and 180lbs. Needless to say, im not exactly attracted to her body anymore. What's tough is i am still in very good shape. I am 39 yrs old but am often told that i can pass for around 30 and often have attractive women look at express interest in me. I do not want to cheat but it makes me angry at my wife to just expect that i would never and she can just stay out of shape. We have talked about it and she knows how i feel. Now, she's bothered with me because i never want to have sex. We do it several times a month and thats only because she wants to have a baby soon. any advice?

Answer 1

Tread carefully friend. You are in the 7 year itch phase. All signs point to having an affair - you and/or her. Not that you will - but many do at that stage. And read what you wrote about having a child - SHE wants a baby. I didn't read that you wanted the baby. Often when relationships have long ago hit the skids people try to do things to force change - have a baby, buy a house, etc. Also - when she gets tied up with the baby that is also a time men cheat.

This isn't really about sex - it is about intimacy and other issues at hand. A lot of people would suggest marriage counseling - but what worked for me was one on one counseling with a male psychologist.

Also - men cheat for EGO. We need to know we are still desirable to the opposite sex. There is always some lass out there that will provide the ego boost for you and some guy who will find your overweight wife attractive where you aren't but it comes at a huge cost. Believe me brother you don't want to cheat. The effects of cheating are totally devastating and horrific to everyone involved.

Good luck.

Answer 2

I saw your question and it sounded familiar. My husband and I have been toegether for 12 years, married for 10. When we first met we were both pretty in shape. I have had five kids since then and my weight has gone up and down too many times. My husband probobly felt the same way you did, but he never told me as much, just that he wished i would lose some weight and get back to where i was. He offered to work out with me, diet with me, anything i wanted. I know being fat is un-attractive, but true love oversees all. If she wants to have a baby, she better get into shape because it will only make her problem worse. If she makes no effort to lose weight knowing that it bothers you, then she doesnt care much about herself or your marriage, and that says alot. Just know that it can be hard to lose weight for some ppl, and her efforts should be noticed, praise her, tell her she looks sexy even after she loses five pounds, It will make her feel good., and give her incentive. Be positive and know that your sex life is important. It bonds you two, and builds your love, it shouldnt be a baby making session. Good luck and hope all works out.

Answer 3

We do now. There was a big lull where we didn't have sex at all due to health issues, and it took some time to get back on track ... but now it's back to being like college kids.

I'm 5'8" and 200 pounds. My husband is 6' and 165 pounds. Although I don't often feel sexy on my own, my husband tells me I am the cutest/sexiest person in the world (and makes me feel that way, too). I believe that he is telling the truth ... not because I really am the sexiest woman in the world (since I'm clearly not), but because I am the sexiest woman TO HIM (and he is the sexiest guy in the world to me). I would never want him to feel any other way.

I can only imagine what your wife must feel like after you told her that you weren't attracted to her, and wished she'd lose some weight. She must be crushed. How would you feel if she said "well, you're really not good in bed, and your dick is kinda small. I've been thinking about getting some lovin' elsewhere if you don't fix this"?

Make her FEEL sexy, and perhaps she will start be BE sexy to you. I'm sure she probably dresses really unnattractively because she is too embarrassed (thanks to you) to wear something snazzy (and it's difficult to find sexy clothes in our size). She probably doesn't do anything with her hair or make up 'cause she figures "why bother?". There are other things that can make someone attractive ... the way they take care of you when you're sick, the way they can finish your sentences, etc. You might think I'm crazy, but I'm the one in the perfect, loving, sexual, supportive relationship who is answering these questions, instead of asking them myself.

In the event that your wife was ever to lose the weight and then looked hot, what makes you think that she wouldn't start cheating on the guy that made her feel like crap about herself? Your not being a very good husband by not supporting your wife with something she is battling (her weight). She knows she's overwieght, and she doesn't need you to point it out. I'm sorry if that sounds mean, but I'm not a fan of sugar-coating things.

Answer 4

Wow. I think that in a very nice way you can try to get her exercise with you. But just don't tell her straight up that "hey, you've let yourself go" Just ask her if she would like to join you in running or working out. The last thing that you want to do is cheat on your wife. I have been married for 5 years and recently had a child. And I gained weight but my husband adored that. He thought that I was even more beautiful. So you have to remember you married this peson thru good and bad and I am sure if you weren't in as good shape, she would love you regardless. That's true love. True love is not about outer appearance.

Answer 5

Maybe she just needs you to make her feel attractive to want to get into shape. She probably feels like its all whatever at this point. You should remind her of how attracted you were before. Maybe show her an old photo and compliment how sexy she was. Another issue could be the physical activity of sex. I have been both overweight and in shape and I can honestly say that when i was overweight, sex could be physically uncomfortable and tiring at times whereas being in shape allows you to have more energy and flexibility. Before you go seeking love elsewhere, try to work it out.

Answer 6

Get over yourself. You married for better or for worse. If she was overweight when you got married it is only common sense that she is going to remain so as well as gain more. As people age they usually end up heavier due to slower metabolisms. I can't believe you get angry because she expects you not to cheat. That is what marriage is, being with the one you married and ONLY them!!! My husband and I have been married 11 years. We still have lots of sex and enjoy it greatly. I am in really good shape, however my husband is 5'3 and 225. I don't care! I love him just the same. The most powerful sex organ is the brain, so he is still dead sexy to me. Shame on you!!!

Answer 7

That is a tough one. You obviously still love her, but you are human after all and would like her to still be physically attractive. Women often forget we are competing with other (younger and skinnier) women for our man's attention.

Don't cheat.

Maybe collect some info on some different diet plans. Talk to her about the two of you starting a new healthy-eating and exercise plan together. Go on the diet with her so she doesn't fell alone.

My ex husband put on about fifty pounds during our marriage. I felt the same way as you--I was still fit (and I was the one who'd had kids!). I felt that it was unfair that I kept myself looking nice for him, but he just ate whatever he wanted. Sad to say, it DID make me less attracted to him and we did have sex less often.

Hopefully she will see losing weight as a way of loving you and showing you that she still values you.

Answer 8

Well don't be so mean just take her to the gym or work out with her!! It sounds liie u do love her but work on things 2-gether u will get throught hings plus u can tell her to get in shape b-4 u have a baby it will be best 4 her and the baby!!

Answer 9

Get over what is on the outside and look deeper. Maybe if she felt like you loved her for who she truly was she would be more apt to want to look better. Loosing weight isn't easy for everyone and being thin and "in shape" is not meant for every woman. Remember she is still the same woman you married no matter what the scale says!

Answer 10

Find an activity that you both can do. Start with walks in the park every weekend. Offer sex to come along if you must. Slowly make these walk more physical and the next thing you know you are hiking every weekend. The key is to find an activity that you can do together.