short poem?

Question

We love.
We lust.
We fight.
We fuss.
We healthy.
We ill.
We save.
We kill.
( Then )
We forgive and forget.

Answer 1

Cool. I write some like this...and people throw stones. Don't let them score a direct hit...move around a little.

I think the poem is excellent!

Answer 2

I'd agree with Kevin, to a point. We healthy is a good turn or pivotal point, ironically describing all that went before in a healthy marriage between two passionate and honest people. The second half is a tad weak and could use some balance to bring it into line with the first, save, kill, and (then) don't seem to have proportion or direct correspondence to people in personal relationship, and forgive and forget is too simple in comparison to the passion of the first half (although many attempt this simplistic approach to making do and getting on with life). Illness is part of a committed and healthy marriage, it is part of the reason for having another person as one's help mate and life partner. Marriage is about survival and life choices, compensating and moving and growing with each other through the cycles and development of life. People were not made to be alone. There are too many ups and downs in life, another person is necessary to maintain health and balance. Regeneration is also part of the biological process of a healthy individual, but impossible if that individual remains individual, I instead of we. Can you possibly work some of these things into the second half of your beautiful poem?

How about:

We're healthy.

We're ill.
We heal.
We will.
We're real.

We forgive and live.

?

Answer 3

Very good poem. One observation - all ending words are a verb in the poem, except 'healhy' and 'ill'. I would find a verb that means the concept of healthy. When that word is found, the poem will be perfect. (Meanwhile I'm racking my brain trying to find it - LOL) Oh, how about this? We flourish. We ail. We save. We fail.

Answer 4

It works to a point...you have good parallels through the first four lines: love/lust, fight/fuss. but then you shift to "we healthy"...nope...doesn't work. You had good statements, grammatically correct, up until that line. It may not be easy to find rhyming consonants for the next four lines, especially ones that work in a grammatical sense...but then I didn't choose the pattern, you did. If it's going to work, you need to make it work completely, or it will remain an "okay" poem instead of becoming a good one.

keep writing

Answer 5

It's marriage
but without the headaches

Answer 6

Love it. Short but very powerful.

Answer 7

I Like it...that poem does sound good

Answer 8

rated..D.
last line.....B+....and continue on the same.
d.