Hai this question is for the daughter-in-laws, why do you want the pull?

Question

the sons from their parents and you want to live separately with your husbands. Do not you think the parents have the right to live with their children. Have not they struggled the life long to look after their children and when they their turn comes to be looked after why do you pull away their children, can not you see them also as your own parents. why so many oldage homes in our country?

Answer 1

I think that depends on how in-laws treat their new daughter. If it's a welcoming into the family then they don't mind frequent visits and calls and remaining close to his family. In fact it is often encouraged because they haven't made her feel like she is invading their well defined boundaries with each other. Living with the in-laws would be too much in most households because you each as couples have different ideas about marriage and respect and childrearing if they were to have kids. It is easier to avoid unnecessary conflict if separate households are maintained.

However, as another poster pointed out some mother in laws act like the daughter in law is an unwelcome guest that has to be tolerated and barely treat her like she is a part of the family. It's hard to encourage someone to be a part of your family when they make it crystal clear they would prefer you not be around.

As far as the retirement homes, I think that's a cultural phenomena more than anything else. My mother has lived with me since she got ill several years ago and a lot of minority groups/older generations keep their parents at home until that is not a possibility anymore. This is not a knock against the young at all but trying to be sandwiched between a parent who needs pretty direct care and young children who need the same thing can be very overwhelming and a home is the most low stress option for all involved.

Answer 2

Ok, I understand ur point. IT is our husband's duty to look after u. But when parents usually live with kids, they usually want the control. It happens naturally, and then it's hard to say no. OR, the daughter in law says no, and the son is in the middle, and that's not fair. UR son can still look after u even though ur in the nursing home. He's not abandoning u, and that is not what his wife would eVer want. She just wants privacy for her family. There have been some families which ended in divorce because the in laws were living with the son. Of course daughter in laws are greatful for their husbands parents, because if they didn't raise such a wonderful guy, then the girl wouldnt've married him. It's all about space.

Answer 3

Personally, if it does come to my man's parents needing to move in, I would be the first to suggest it and would gladly open up our home to them, just as I know he would do for me if it were my parents. But then again, I get along great with my in-laws and do consider them my own parents.

The only time I might consider assisted living or nursing home is if they need additional care that I am not able to give, but even then-I would first look into hiring a nurse that would come to the house and even probably attempt that route first. If that doesn't work out, then unfortunately, the next option would be assisted living/nursing home.

I am assuming that you are the parent-in-law and your daughter in law is refusing to let you move in. Maybe look at their living situation. Do they have no room for an additional person in the house? She may very well want you to move in, but circumstances are in the way. Or perhaps she feels that you will need care that they are not able to adequately provide you or on a dimmer side-your son and her maybe are having problems and don't want the additional stress of someone in the house that can witness/input on their problems when they didn't ask for it. I would sit down and talk to both your son and her together and discuss the situation and options available. You also have to consider the fact that your daughter in law may be completely ok with you moving in, but it is your son that is not happy about it/doesn't want it and is just blaming her.

Answer 4

1. because it is time for the son to have his own family. when that is not so opt,
2. doesnt the girls( daughter in laws ) have parents? or arent they getting old? have ever a mother inlaw thought about the parents of the girl? particualrly when they dont have a son? wont they expect some one to be with them to take care of them? is it that, oldage, sickness and inability comes only to people who has a son? shouldnt it come to oldies who have a daughter?
Now my question: why does husbands and his parents expect the girl to take care of them alone? why is she supposed to forget her parents once she is married? even when the girls parents are really sick and ill, the girl is allowed just to visit her own parents for a day or 2 - like anyother visitors. dont u think this is total injustice? instead after the "permitted leave for a day or 2", how is she expected to join the duty of taking care of her inlaws.
So youngsters of these days have arrived at an untold mutual agreement - everyone in this world is getting aged. so this is the time for to take care of our family. lets do that. something happens to either of the parents, take care of them when need arises. thats all.. as cool/simple as that..
y should the girl sacrifice her dignity for the sake of inlaws?or why should the guy??
no body comes to this world, believing someone else will take care of u...

Answer 5

have you ever been a female to live with your inlaws? if so, you wouldn't be asking this question. for one, you have no privacy. you can't make love with your new husband and bond with him. you're constantly afraid of what will happen, what your inlaws will hear. you face constant criticism. "I don't do it that way. he doesn't like this. why are you doing that?" living close doesn't work either. we lived in the trailer behind my ex's parents, and it was horrible, in some ways worse that living WITH them! they walked into my house without asking, even when we weren't there. I mean, to the point that his father knew when I would be getting out of the shower so he could walk in on me, and DID! or, his mother would walk in while we were having sex. and it was my own house. during that marriage, I worked two fulltime jobs, a part time job, and went to college 15 hours a week. their precious baby boy did nothing but sit at home, eat up the food, use up the electricity, and complain that I didn't clean house. his mother stopped me in the yard one night, after I had been gone from the house since 5 am, and it was after 10 pm when I got home, but had the nerve to ask, "so when are you going to clean this house?" it will get cleaned when your son does it because when I get home from classes and working, I have homework, a shower, and I get four hours of sleep before I start my day over. all he does is sit at home while YOU keep our son. he doesn't even keep our child. he is useless, and he can clean the house while he's here!" needless to say, she then felt the need to baby him some more and clean the house while I was out busting my butt to pay the bills.

that doesn't mean that I don't love the woman to pieces. I do, and I would do anything for her. I'm the ex that the new wife can't compare to. nothing anyone ever does is good enough to compare to how I treated their baby, and it took the divorce for them to see that. after being married to my ex's father for fifty years of hatred, anger and aggression, she has threatened to leave him, and knows she will always have somewhere to go should she choose. if something should happen to her, and her children not step up to care for her, she would have a home with me, and I would take care of her. they have borrowed money from me now that they are on a fixed income and I'm better off financially than I was when I was married to their son. they know that if they need anything, they can call me any time. the same goes for me. I know that if I broke down in the middle of the night 100 miles from home, I could call on them, and they would come no questions asked.

it's not about wanting to keep your son away from you. it's about wanting to build a life and a family with him. it's about raising our family and living our life the way we choose, not the way someone else chooses. it's not about turning our backs on you in your time of need. remember that we're daughters too, and we don't want to have to put our mothers, that we love dearly, into a home where they don't receive the love and attention they deserve, and we don't want that for you either. we just want to live our lives while we can, build a life and a future with our husbands, and when the time comes, help you live the rest of yours as long as we physically can. I sincerely hope you understand now.

Answer 6

For the marriage to work, the children must pull away from their parents. Your children aren't babies anymore, they are adults and feel the need to live their own lives. Sometimes, the mother in law feels jealous over the wife. Take a step back and figure out what is best for your child, not what is best for you.

Answer 7

Good question, forces me to think honestly why I'm wary of having my husband's parent(s) live with us.
One point was mentioned in another response - why do we only think about guy's parents needing to live with their son. how about if a woman's parents need to or want to live with their daughter. many prefer this to living with son&daughter-in-law.
The other valid point was about woman being "allowed" to go visit her parents. It is these and other too-old customs that make us wary of having in-laws move in with us.

Now-a-days girl's parents too spend equal effort & money in bringing up/educating daughters. Daughters & sons are pretty much equal as they grow up, start earning & get married. If this equality is more widely/fairly practiced, more women will welcome in-laws into their house.

Another thing we need is to adapt some fine points I've imbibed from living in the U.S. It should be accepted that it is the younger couple's household. Their wishes, ideas, ways of living take priority. When possible, it is better to have an in-law unit adjacent (like a small apartment), so each family has their own privacy. rather than expect the daughter-in-law to look after the in-laws day adn night, and have then underfoot morning to night.
Like another response siad, it is all about SPACE and PRIVACY. When my husband and I can freely say 'i'll check with her/him and let you know", "we both need to talk about it before we decide", 'Honey, can we talk for a minute alone', then having in-alws live with us might be more palatable.

As of now, the situation is more like we are treated like kids, it is as if just the kid has got married, and the daughter-in-law is another kid in the house, ruled by older parents regulations. I mean, in addition to me moving in to my husband's room, all else is expected to go on as before marriage! That is why, I chose to move and live separately.

Answer 8

It is natural for a woman to want to have her own home to start a family in, I think the term "nesting" applies to this need. I think it is unnatural for you to want your children not to leave home and practice all of the things that you taught them while growing up to be independent, productive adults. When the parent is old and can't take care of themselves, it should be an option to go and live with their children. My grandmother didn't want to move away from the area she has lived in for 75 years and chose to live in a retirement home, she is 98 now and is happy with HER choice. I see my mother in law as my mom, I love her so very, very much, however I wouldn't want to move into her home with my husband and our family.....I am the matriarch in my home. Is this a joke? I hope it is because I would hate to be your daughter in law.

Answer 9

To start out, I do agree that too many people put their parents in homes. My parents raised me, had to change my diapers, stay up with me all night when I was sick. The least I could do would be to return the favor out of love and respect. Those places are awful and dirty. On the other hand. Why should they live with you guys and not your daughter-in-law's parents? Ask yourself if it's OK for your son to take her from her parents. Why are you more important than her family? Just because they don't live with you doesn't mean they're not involved in your lives? I've noticed how it is usually mothers of grooms that are the possessive ones, while the mothers of the brides are usually OK. Dad's of brides tend to be reluctant at first, for fear that the guy isn't good enough, but let it go when they get married. Dad's of grooms seem to be just "there". Your son has chosen this woman to be his wife, with whom he is to share a life with. You mom's of grooms also seem to make the assumption that it is his wife's manipulation of him and control that makes him want to live alone with her. Trust me, it is just as much his decision as it is hers. Are you my mother-in-law?

Answer 10

Being the mother of one son and two daughters I am in the mother-in-law category. I love my son and my daughter-in-law - she loves my son - she is the mother of my grandchildren - why wouldn't I love her. If I need help I can call them and they will come and help me do what needs to be done. There is no pulling away from responsibilities but his first responsibility is to his wife and children - he made marriage vows to her not to me. I only have the right to love and be loved by them - not live with them. I am sure when I am old, old if I need to live with them I would be welcomed and I would be grateful but hopefully that time will never come.