Can I ever expect that he will put his foot down and stand up for US?

Question

I threw him a bday party at my house. His 28yr old dghtr & his neice (in-law) are not exactly supportive of "us" - so they came begrungingly & when the neice's son was accidently hurt - they used my son as an excuse to up & leave saying that it was not an accident to my byf - but to all others it was. My byf says he believes me, but has yet to speak up to either of them about it. Rather he's choosing to let it go saying "I dont care what anyone says anymore" - I feel as though it is now unresolved. This is not the first time they have pulled or said something that makes him feel guilty for wanting to move forward with our relationship or that he's abandoning them & they say it's not me it could be anyone - but enough is enough already - it's been 10 mo. of hell & getting worse now that MY child has been used - now I draw the line! I'm just worried that if he's not sticking up for us now - will he ever do it or am I to just accept his family never showing "us" respect?

They used my son & I am (&^%*#^$(&^$ off beyond anyhting they could have done! I don't want to loose this man - he is wonderful - a bit ruff around the edges - but if he cannot do something for me this time - how could I move forward with someone who will never stand up and demand respect from his family for not only his happiness, but the respect for me & my children.

Answer 1

you are focusing on others and not yourself.

we can't control the fact that some people act like cave men. you are inviting people to parties who cause trouble, hence you're asking for problems as well.

Your boyfriend has the right attitude -- he doesn't care what they say. it's a good thing, because he can't control others or what they say, and neither can YOU.

What possible good would it do for your boyfriend to confront these people, beside make him look as stupid as they do?

just let it go.. it's not worth the hassle... and don't invite them anymore...

sometimes we have to do things in order to live a peaceful life and many times that includes leaving people uninvited. they will get over it.

Answer 2

It's kind of hard to draw a line in the sand, especially if it's family. You're not his wife, that child is not his, if you were expecting him to chew out his niece's son, forget it, that's his bloodline.

Younger children have a hard time watching their parents date someone new, but adults? Wow, it's going to take a longer time than usual. What do I mean by this? It means, the daughter, niece are afraid that if he gets too serious with you, they'll be on the outside. That sounds crazy to you, but I watched it happen when my late mother in law passed away after being married for 33 years.

Within 6 months of her death, he remarried and suddenly, the "first" family has been pushed aside, literally, in favor of the new wife's children and grandchildren. The second wife is insecure about her place in her husband's life, so she kind of helped things along, saying things and driving wedges between her husband and his offspring and grandchildren.

Your BF daughter and niece are feeling that and making sure that they are just as important now, as they were before. I would say it's time you and your BF set some ground rules for the little ones. You can't expect him to favor your child over his bloodline. You can be a good mother to your own son and not let the adults on your BF's, use your son to drive the wedge, trust me, you will lose. Try getting to know his daughter and niece.

Answer 3

Obviously if he sates that he does not care waht anyone says anymore, it's agood bet that he's dealt whith this BS for a very long time and it "IS" his way of dealing with it. It's not that he does not care about you or your son, it means that he has no idea how to change the "family" situation.
Or in other words....Daddy does not know how to deal with his little drama queen daughter and her snobby cousin so he just...does not deal with it. No, it's not going to change until he gets the kahonas to tell his daughter taht his life with you is his own and that she should butt out of it.

Answer 4

You have a couple of things you can do here.

1. tell him you are sorry but, you will no longer be having his family around or going near them.

2. Tell him you can't stand being in a relationship where he can't stick up for you.

3. Move far away so they can't be in your life.

Answer 5

I think you have to stand up to him and the situation first.

Although a different situation, the idea behind this is the same. When I first started seeing my bf, this female tried to push herself into the picture, following him around, rubbing up on him, attempting to steal his attention the entire evening (at a social gathering at his home). Needless to say, I left that party early and went out with my friends. When he asked me what was going on the next day, I simply told him:
"I know what I want and need out of a relationship, I refuse to share my boyfriend, I refuse to be disrespected so badly by his friends, I will not come second to this bs, etc.... we have been dating a short while and I know I do not want someone like her in my life, I would be miserable. Therefore I do not wish to take this any further."

He was so scared to lose me and begged several times for me to give him a second chance, because he didn't even realize she was acting like this. I finally did once I was sure he got how important this was to me. Now whenever she is at the same function as us he stands up for me. For example - wedding last weekend she was pushing her boobs in his face, shaking her butt in his face, when I went up to use the washroom she started grinding on him, saying "don't worry, your girlfriend is gone now." He immediately pushed her away, told her never to touch him again, and told me the story the second I returned. Good Man.

Anyhow, the point of my story is that sometimes you need to put your foot down first to show them how truly important this is to you. If they stick around and try to make it work out, they are worth keeping. If they don't, who needs a fool like that in theiryour anyhow? It will only make you miserable!

Hope this helps!

Answer 6

I understand your frustration at your position but, to some degree you only seem to be thinking about this situation from your end or at least from what you've written that's how it seems. While I agree he needs to deal with his daughter and niece on this issue (letting them know he expects better behavior from them while in his home). You need to understand that your trying to make him take a stand against his family. They are his family and he actually may want to keep his relationships with them regardless of how they feel about you or how you feel about them. Let them act the way they do, it only makes them look like fools. It seems to me that he is taking a stand that would work if you'd get on board. They only get their way if you respond to their stupidity as you've been doing. They seem to be getting what they want since you've decided that your way is the only way to end this and has as a result caused you and your bf to be divided on this. As for their using your son as a mean it seems your using him in the same way now as a mean to bring things to a head with your bf. This is his problem to deal with as he chooses. If you don't like how he's handling it, move on.

Answer 7

What is this ground hog day?!? You've already asked this once. You need to seriously get over it or move on.

Answer 8

He's torn. Until he tells them to leave you alone, I wouldn't be anywhere they are going to be.

Answer 9

Dump them and keep him unless he turns spineless in other ways.
Family is hard.

Answer 10

You are going to have a VERY disappointing life if you "expect" things.