Do you like my new poem (thanks to your help)...?

Question

Send down lightning,
With buckets of rain,
Unleash a howling wind,
Across the prairie,

Defiant eye looks down,
Unscrupulous tyrant,
I shake a fist at you,
From my parched field,

Leary of the prankster,
Don’t flood me like Johnstown,
I just want water,
On my corn and potatoes,

I cannot stand here much longer,
With the beetles and cicadas,
I’ll crumble and die,
Left for them to devour,

Tomatoes long since wilted,
Tsunami couldn’t bring them back,
We’ve eaten what would grow,
Nothing left to can,

This winter, we’ll eat Purina,
Leaving to big dog to hunt,
I cannot find the words,
For my vengeful prayer,

“Honey! Look Out!”
I was asleep at the wheel,
I had the strangest dream,
We were poor farmers eating dogfood…

Thanks Ann. There is a scary part. This was a timed exercise...under ten minutes...I'm ready to go back to work.

Answer 1

Brilliant! And scary...
I am amazed: you have even kept the order of our answers to your previous question!

Answer 2

Good start. Lines are short, which is inherently problamatical with sentence line phrases. However, you do a pretty good job with it. First stanza a little off, but workable. Second stanza, I'd change "looks down" to "looking down" and "a fist at you" with "my fist at you". Third stanza, okay. Fourth stanza, I'd change "crumble" to "whither". Fifth stanza, "Tsunami" is the wrong word...Tsunami's are an ocean phenomenon...salt water...maybe "Noah couldn't bring them back" or "Even you couldn't bring them back".

Then you go off in a different direction...which can be good. However, unless this is someplace other than the US, you wouldn't be eating dog food...there are just too many programs that would give you food. You could convert it into a question, asking, "what will we eat, dogfood?" that way it becomes rhetorical and doesn't have to be as factual. Then the last line of the poem could be, "We were farmers...thinking of dogfood"

Otherwise, it was a pretty decent little poem...unusual, but pretty good actually.

keep writing

Answer 3

Wow! Nice poem! One of the nicest I ever read. But why eat dogfood? And it's so sad, enough to let my tears flow like tapwater. T.T

Answer 4

Yes I do except for that part about bugs. Little things like bugs scare me.

Very nice TD even the bugs.

Answer 5

Yes, u portrayed ur dream thru ur poetry and that's good that ur able to express it.


Good luck to your next poetry!