Letting go of bad love?

Question

I filed for divorce and am moving on. My wife and I started off bad, it was all wrong. We eventually came around and learned to enjoy each other's company. Yet, for quite a few months now things have been hard and I learned of many deceptions and mistrust on her part. She always brings out the worst in me. Since the separation, I started talking to someone else (just talking) and she has turned out to be the most amazing person I have considered for love. I have known her for over 10 years and we just happened to be getting out of relationships. Both of us have never felt like this or BEGAN like this with anyone. However, my soon to be ex is "reforming" and has been doing everything to win me back, swearing to change...etc. I love the woman I have been talking to and feel new feelings for her I have never felt EVER. But I am feeling nostalgic about my wife. Maybe I am used to being in bad relationships. I know she wont change...I know she is bad for me. How do I let go?

I know I do not love my wife like that anymore. I know I DO love this other woman. But, I feel sorry for my soon to be ex, I dont like the sound of getting divorced...although I know it is best and we were doomed from the beginning. But, I KNOW she wont change. I have full custody of my three sons and she is mean to them. She has cheated, with friends of mine...etc. But, why in the HELL am I stalling now? I made up my mind a long time ago, but NOW, I start questioning my decision.

Just to clarify...I have custody of my three sons from a previous relationship. This woman and I have NO kids together.

Answer 1

You would be the only person who can really determine the real situation. If you honestly (and objectively) think that your wife will not change then push through with your divorce. But make sure it is NOT because of the other woman but because you don't love your wife anymore and you are sure things won't work out for you anymore. You also have to assess if your thinking she won't change is because of similar past experiences you've had or just because the new lady seems (at this time) like a better alternative. At the same time I don't think it would be advisable for you to "jump" into a new relationship immediately or what they call "on the rebound". You might find yourself "jumping from the pan to the fire". Give yourself -- as well as both ladies -- the time to think things through thoroughly. It is an important decision you have to make which will definitely be life changing. Here's praying that you will gain the wisdom to make the right decision for yourself and for all those concerned. Hope this helps. Goodluck!

Answer 2

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Answer 3

I know what your feeling. I have been married twice. My first husband and I just never clicked. He was not abusive, he never cheated, he and I just were two different people. Why I married him I am unsure. I was young and stupid I guess. Anyway...after 5 years I filed for a divorce. I was sure this was what I wanted. However the day we were going to court I began to have mixed feelings. I felt extremely guilty and sad that this union was ending. I almost backed out.

I think you are experiencing feelings of failure and guilt which will all pass with time. You have to push yourself to do what is right. Accept that you made a mistake and move on. Your wife, she is probably experiencing feelings of rejection because you are leaving her. You know the old saying 'You don't know what you have until it's gone'. Unfortunately there is no guarantee she will change. Consider this, maybe by divorcing her, she will change. Maybe she will be a better person in future relationships. You might be helping her. As I have told many, I believe there is someone for all of us. Each person that we meet and break apart from is a mere stepping stone leading us to the person we were meant to be with. It is a journey getting there, but when we do reach that person, it's for a lifetime.

Answer 4

Listen to Charles on this one...Life is TOO DAMN SHORT. Why we all think that tomorrow is a guarantee, I'll never understand. We waste so much time in relationships that we know are poison.

SO...just ask yourself...if you knew that tomorrow was your last day on earth and you could either enjoy it happily or spend it suffering; which would you choose? I'll bet it wouldn't be with your wife. What she is doing to you, is nothing short of abuse. Whether she wants to change or not, did it take the word "divorce" before she finally had a light go on in her head?

You HAVE to do what makes you happy, but might I suggest not starting another relationship, until the other is ended? Then you can start the new relationship with a clear conscience and a clean slate.

Best of luck to you and remember sweetheart, life it too short to waste it....

Answer 5

I made it a point that once I left high school, once a relationship didn't work out, I never go back. While I am in one I will do what ever it takes to exhaust all options before bailing. It has proven to be a valuable rule for me. It is normal for a man who has morals and values to feel the way you are feeling about going back to his wife. Every man who is worth is salt that I know has felt this way at one point while going through a separation/divorce. It is usually when they know that they have hit a turning point and that the time for final closure has come. My husband felt this way about his ex wife when their divorce date was coming. He had been separated from her for 3 years when I met him and had done some pretty bad stuff to him, not unlike your wife. However is upbringing and morals led part to think he needed to stay with her, even though he had met me, loved me like we were born to be together. This was a situation that tore him up inside. Needless to say, he decided that the situation and the quality of life that going back to her would offer him, he choose the route with me. I thank God that he did, and I know he has no regrets. I think this confusing thing that you are going through is very positive. You have good morals. With the right choices you are going to be happy finally.

Answer 6

only you can make the choices....
take it easy for a while. continue with the divorce. and yeah you should also consider your kids... considering that you've been awarded custody signify that your ex is really an unfit mother... what else do you need to move on? you already know that she won't change. but if she does changes, and you still feel nostalgic about her, then court again. whatever happens, she will always be the mother of your kids.... but you can still find happiness in others. why not take that chance?

Answer 7

First of all let me point out there is a difference with causing and letting something to happen. We all need to remember too what happened in the book of job were satan says "Skin in behalf of skin yes all that a MAN has he will give for his life.'' So we can see the challenge that satan put in front of god. He was saying any man would do that, so right know we are being tested by satan, he will try to break each and every one of us. That's partially why god has not stepped in yet, if he would have destroyed satan right then, it might have made god look like a woos, he didn't want that.

Answer 8

Why ruin all your lives living in a home without love and happiness,when you have a great opportunity to move on? This part of your life is over,as you yourself have said ,it started bad so there is very little now to make it change for the good, long term Get out, be happy for all concern, you all only live once in this life!

Answer 9

Don't make your and your kids life miserable by staying with your wife, I understand you feeling bad for her and all but you need to do whats best for you and your children. Maybe you're also a little scared of being in a new relationship, just do what you have to do, but make sure you're doing the right thing for your future not your wife's. Good luck.

Answer 10

To be honest, nobody can really give you the answer but you. But if you want to know my view, I think you should go for the new woman. If you go back to your wife, you may end up regretting not going for this new relationship which you believe to be real love.