Are you wearing evil's skin??What feeling does my poem leave you with?

Question

TRANSFORMING INTO EVIL'S SKIN
I see heaven behind your eyes
but I know you heaven's a lie
looking into the eyes of the devil
the very essence of pure evil
as you inject demons into my vien's
the needle that is the devil's blade
crawling like parasites
the only thing keeping me alive
tearing into my brain
in my head, exploding voices with pain
now I hear your voice
and severed of my chioce
fo love or hate you
and hate you I do
as my eyes shadder to black
the devil's reject is back
my breath now fueled by fire
now inside burns the desire
to decapitate and slit your throat
and watch you helplessly squirm like a legless roach





When I named this poem I was listening to Marilyn Manson's "Wrapped in plastic".Very good song.One of many by him.

In no way am I rich.We could use good money around this time though, we are moving.I wish I was rich!

Answer 1

I liked it. It did not make me get out my label maker and plaster you with signs.

For me, it made me believe that you are a good student of literature, that's all.

The poetic devices: rhyme; meter; syllable count; were all used well.

Very good.

Answer 2

Okay...your poem is "okay", but it suffers from a number of ills. Spelling, punctuation, line breaks and malapropisms...and do you want to rhyme or not? Many of your lines rhyme...in fact, most of them, so the ones that don't look like mistakes and break the rhythm of the poem. "shadder" is not a word...I think you meant "shatter" (a common misspelling based on phonics). You also use "now" a little too often...and somehow want to both decapitate (to cut off someone's head at the throat) and cut a throat (redundancy!). You can get away with using both if you say "or" instead of "and". Also, it's "veins", not "vien's"...and a needle cannot be a "blade"...although you could call it the "devil's pride", which would bring you closer to "parasites"...but even better, you could turn "that" line around to read "like parasites crawling inside"...which would rhyme with "devil's pride".

Just some thoughts and suggestions

Keep writing

Answer 3

oh, the tragedy of it all, how glamorous it can be-- the horror! the horror! if you could tell me who spoke "the horror, the horror," i might take your poem more seriously. (i repeal the rich yuppie comment, my bad)

besides, the concept of your poem doesn't make sense. how do you transform into skin? and shadder isn't a word. i did like the last line though, the only vivid line in the whole poem.

you certainly used the poetic devices, damn near every rhyme is a straight rhyme. these "critics" go way to easy on poetry in here. to me, this was a cookie cutter, vague attempt at reaching a deep level of feeling. its totally one sided, and life is hardly ever one-sided. your last line was inventive, but ive heard all the rest a hundred times before, delivered the same way. break out from the mold if you want to talk about dark and dreery stuff, or else people will write you off as i did, albeit a touch prematurely.

Answer 4

I think it's probably about rage, but it seems to conjure images of drug abuse also. Mentioning te eyes turning to black is a nice terrible touch. I like the way the last two lines rhyme. And the word shadder is likeable.

Answer 5

My fvorite Manson song is Speed of pain. This is very interesting. I find myself drawn to your work keep it up

Answer 6

no feelings that what said nah girl ,well i think u dont understand feelings then ,and ur poem i nice by the way