If you were in my shoes how would you handle this situation?

Question

I may end up regretting it in the end, but we have decided to give this marriage one more try. One of our biggest problems is communication. My husband expects me to know what he's thinking and will literally get mad if I'm not. Whenever we have a disagreement I try to get to the root of the problem, and my goal is to talk it out - not sweep it under the rug. My husband gets tense and frustrated and acts mean toward me because he doesn't want to be bothered with talking it out. He just wants the problem to go away. I have tried all sorts of things to communicate with him such as sending e-mails and typing letters. I have even suggested that we talk to a counselor and he refuses to do that. When I try to sit him down and talk gentle, he still resents me. He will also become angry and give me the silent treatment. I guess that's his form of punishment. I am at a total loss because it upsets him when I say ANYTHING pertaining to an "issue". There are so many things not being addressed.

He too agrees that there is a lack of communication. When I ask him what WE can do to change that, he says he doesn’t know. We have been married for 3 years and he still doesn’t have answers to a lot of important questions. When I ask him if we can work together to find out, he gets frustrated and gives me this “Will you just leave me alone” look. He has often made the comment that he just wants to be him. I flat out asked him if being him meant not being a communicator. He said no, but he doesn’t have any answers. He said he obviously didn’t think about what it was going to take to have a marriage, and that he has never had this problem with the other women he was with. But he has admitted before that they just “let him be”. They didn’t put up a fight about anything. If they brought up an issue and he didn’t want to talk about it he would just run out (like he does now) or throw a tantrum and that was the end of it.

I am afraid to talk to him about anything because he will start sighing and his face will turn angry. He will slump down in the couch or the car seat and put his hand on his head. He may not have a clue as to what I’m about to say. Then I of course get mad because I feel he’s doing that to discourage me. He will become sarcastic by turning off the TV or radio and saying, okay, you have the floor.

Then he’ll have an attitude after I’m done talking (if I make it that far) and say we just wasted __ hours talking about stuff we’ve already went over. Nothing ever gets resolved. His new motto is he’s tired of doing “this”, meaning tired of having conversations with me. What can I do?

Answer 1

It sounds like when he says he's tired of doing "this" it's not just the talking, He's not willing to make the effort to try to make this marriage work! You can't do this alone. I commend you for putting in so much effort, but you have to know when you're beating a dead horse. Sounds as if you've tried EVERYTHING and I'm sure that this must be frustrating and hurtful for him to treat you this way. His behavior is childish and he is throwing tantrums. This is no different then being a big bully. And that's so unfair to you. This will end up dragging you down. It's time for you to take control over your own life.
Sit him down and say " Look, I need your attention and I will not tolerate being ignored anymore." Then go to counseling. This is not something that is going to go away without it, because it's gotten too big. He has behaved this way for so long, and you have accepted it for too long.
If he does not go for the counseling (as you said he did not in the past) it's time for you to take care of you.
Move on. This is a one way street, and it's not going to change without some major construction.
Take control over your life! Being nice does not have to be being a doormat.

Also, I wanted to compliment you for having the guts to not be one of the women that allowed him to just run away, and be intimidated by his bad attitude. Good for you!

Answer 2

Your husband is extremely passive aggressive, just to start. This is a total losing situation for you and can only get worse.

He has no idea about healthy relating, and will defend his ego to the end/// without a complete battery of behavioral and emotional psych tests designed to get to the root of the problems. I think he's malignantly narcissistic as well, that everything revolves around his way of things. He is very immature indeed, and his refusal to get serious help requiring major internal redoing is destroying your marriage.

I know someone in California with the same problem.

To me, you deserve not to be stuck with this loser, and yes, he ise nothing but a losing proposition. This silent treatment is something me ex used to pull four weeks on end.

Controlling the situation is what they want, to be fed, clothed, go to work, watch a few games on tv, and forget relating.

There is no emotional connection here, only strife.

You deserve anything better than this...it can only get worse.

Of I were you, I'd google The Landmark Education Corporation and do The Forum, a three day intensive into what it is to be human... It will give you tools and courage to move on. Otherwise, read The Power of Now.

He is NOT worth it, and I am a man who has gone through major internal renovation who is telling you this. He is hopeless....and he is a big baby.

Worst of all, he cannot possibly understand love and does NOT love you as a mature adult loves another.

Answer 3

That is a very serious problem you are dealing with, indeed. Your man was never taught how to communicate his emotions. You are probably feeling like you are beating your head against the wall.

You might want to talk to his family about his ways of communication: he did spend most of his life with them. It might give you some insight on why he is acting this way and how to deal with his attitude. I also would try to start any conversation with him with a hug and a verbal assurance of your love for him no matter what. Treat it as an emotional sickness with patience. Lovingly explain that you love him and that is why you would like to know his thoughts and feelings, how his day went, if he is tired etc. Start small, be patient and keep reassuring him in your devotion and love. Share your own feelings and how your day went with him jokingly with a light conversation during dinner. Introduce sharing as a part of loving. It will take time, but the results will be worth the effort. I should know, my own husband of 17 years now was just like that in the beginning of our marriage. I've taught him everything I know, and he is very happy now. We are both enjoying a solid marriage. Good luck to both of you.

Answer 4

You guys NEED counseling. You both have to be willing to work at this marriage for it to work. My mom says that marriage is a team sport, you cannot make it work as an individual event. If he agrees your biggest problem is communication, then he needs to agree to address the problem, and you guys sound like you're way beyond the point where you can do it on your own. The only suggestion I can offer is for you to start seeing someone, and hope that he'll join in. He's got to be willing to put forth some effort into making the marriage a success as well, or it just won't work. You can try until you're blue in the face, but if he won't lift a finger to make the marriage work, you're both going to be miserable.

I hope you can find a way to convince him that he needs to be willing to go to marriage counseling, because I honestly think from what you're saying, it's the only thing that will save your marriage. The only thing I can suggest is for you to tell him that he doesn't have to agree with this, but marriage is about compromises, and you NEED him to make this one for you. I wouldn't make it a deal breaker, but it basically would be for me. If he's not willing to at least bend enough to go sit in a marriage counselor's office for 1 hour for you, then he's not going to be willing to do much of anything else for you either. Marriage doesn't work that way. Sorry.

Answer 5

First of all this didnt' happen overnight. During the honeymoon stage you chose to not deal with it or accept it. Now over time its become a huge problem.

Second of all its not all his fault. Some women think communication is talking a guys ear off or being dramatic or making mountains out of molehills. I know one woman that talks to her husband and she talks so much that it drives me crazy. Get to the point and dont' make every problem a huge one and dont' make a problem out of everything.

If you do all that and he still won't communicate then you chose a poor man to be with. You will then need to give him an ultimatum and tell him to communicate or its over. Good luck

Answer 6

Just because he won't go to counseling - doesn't mean you shouldn't go by yourself. You can learn new tools andways to get your point across without him getting upset. Many times it is simply HOW you say something, as opposed to WHAT you are saying that causes the problem.

If he sees a change in you due to counseling, he might be more apt to try.

If it doesn't help then you will have the counselor in place to help you deal with ending it - but this time, for good.

Answer 7

In your situation, I would just shut up and let him be. If there some issues need to be resolved, I would point them out to him (with no discussion) and fully expect him to take a good care of them right away with no questions asked. If he will have a problem with that, I would leave with no questions asked.

Unwillingness to discuss the problems does not mean swiping them under the carpet. State him clearly exactly what your needs are once and for all. And let him to take care of them. If he doesn't, there is no need to remain together. Find someone who will.

Answer 8

Oh,my god.I can not tell you how similar you situation is with mine.I am frasterated too and don't know what to do.If i didn't have my two children ,and if wasn't a great dad ,i would have left him 5 years ago.I have even told him to leave.I don't want enything.Just enough money to live for 4 month.I'll get a job,two jobs if i have to.I am very independed woman.He won't go,but he won't fix anything either.I am sorry,bu it seems your husband wants you to go.Just ask him that strait forward.Ask him if he wants you to go.I did ,and got an answer.Which was never.Good luck to you.

Answer 9

He wasn't able to or never talkek about his feelings as a child..Its not his fault as he is a product of his upbringing. He can change but it will be one of the toughest things in his life...it was for me. I lost a beautiful wife because of my stupidity and there is not an hour that goes by that I don't think of her. Please you are doing good by asking this question it shows that you want to figure him out. Every guy and gal is different we all have hangups and this sounds like his. Ask him questions using "I" messages instead of "you" messages. you messages are like a poison dart and he will throw them back at you. Example " Honey I feel that you are not happy with me anymore" I love you with all my heart but I need to know how you feel if you want you can write me a note. I don't know sounds corny but it might work who knows=)...Clinton

Answer 10

I think you two are just opposites you sound like a extreme on communicating and he is just the opposite so I would say you are not a match at all. It seems you are young so you have plenty of life left to start over and find someone more compatible.