I need someone to edit and fix my English paragraph?

Question

here is the link :
http://www.sharemation.com/sinasystem/final%20paragraph.txt


Please tell me my errors or just write it down here and find all mistakes that I have such as spelling , vocabulary , grammar and punctuation ...
thanks alot

Answer 1

(I'll put my corrections in parentheses, and use capitals for any misspelled words.) :)




What Could Be Done To Persuade Children Not To Begin Smoking?


According to www.cnn.com, everyday more than 40,000 children begin smoking and
illness(es) caused by smoking kill more than 567,200 in the US each year.
Children like to be(use are instead of "like to be") attracted to smoking for any number of reasons such as,
looking cool, acting older, losing weight, presenting (a) tough image,
or feeling sexy and independent. They should be educated and made aware
how dangerous smoking is for their health. First, children whose parents
smoke are more as probably(use likely, instead of "as probably") to begin smoking between ages 15 to 20. Therefore , (since)
parents have a very important role in this tragedy , they should know how to
behave and talk to their children in order to prevent them from getting started.
Second, at the moment that they begin, it is difficult to stop it. Smoking is a
hard habit to stop because it will make the body attracted (use "addicted", as in reference to the nicotine). Therefore the child
will BECOME dependent to (use "on" instead of to) smoking, AND after a while a person needs to have it just to
feel normal. As a result, it is believed that parents and friends have the most
impact on preventing children to smoke (use "from smoking" instead of to smoke). Parents have the responsibility to
educate and children should learn how to select proper friends. Although
smoking in the short term may reduce stress or cause losing weight, it is
also the world's most lethal epidemic and the cause for many physical and mental
disorders.


(I didn't find any misspelled words, but took some out to prevent run-on sentences. I also changed a few phrases for you (what I put in as "use such and such...."). Hope it helps.

Answer 2

Your grammar is not right. Punctuation is at the wrong places. You have used the wrong words. E.g. "Feeling sexy and independent.' In an essay or paragraph, YOU DO NOT USE THE WORD SEXY. Therefore, your vocabulary should be fixed. You have frequent repetition of words which makes readers.. tiring. No offence. There seems to be no plan in your text. Would you like me to correct it for you?

Answer 3

I rewrote your essay in notepad. Most of what I found was punctuation, wordiness and more effective formatting. If you will send me an email address I will send you the revised copy.
[e-mail]

Answer 4

What Could Be Done To Persuade Children Not To Begin Smoking?

According to cnn.com, everyday more than 40,000 children begin smoking. Illness caused by smoking kills more than 567,200 in the US each year.
Children are attracted to smoking for a number of reasons. Some of reason could be they feel they are looking cool, acting older, losing weight, presenting tough image, or feeling sexy and independent. They should be educated and made aware how dangerous smoking is for their health.
First, children whose parents smoke are more likely to begin smoking between ages 15 to 20. Therefore, parents have a very important role in this tragedy. Parents need to know how to communicate and how to talk to their children. As a result, it is likely it will prevent their children from the temptation to start smoking.
Also, at the moment that they begin, it is difficult to stop. Smoking is a hard habit to break because their body will crave the nicotine and it will result in an addiction.
As a result, it is believed that parents and friends have the biggest impact on preventing children before they make a decision before they start. Parents have the responsibility to educate and influence their children in a positive manner. They also influence their children regarding selecting proper friends.
Smoking in the short term may reduce stress and/or cause losing weight. However, it is the world’s most lethal epidemic and the cause for many physical and mental disorders.

Just make sure you fix the tabs!

Answer 5

I think when you're writing an essay you first need to establish what you want to do. You have to first decide whether you want to write a formal essay or an informal one. When you've done that you have to decide the purpose of your essay. An essay can persuade, narrate, describe or expose a certain topic. When you know exactly what kind of essay you want, then its time to write the draft. What do you want people to learn from your essay? What is the main idea that you want to impart? When you've done that, list down the different details that will support what you want to say in the main idea. Then after, write a conclusion on what you think should be done, or just basically basically sum you everything you said.

I think that its the most simple way to write an essay. Sorry i can't help you with the actual essay. I'm a teacher and i would hate it if one of my students asked someone else to proofread their essay for them. :( sorry

Answer 6

I tried a few changes - to fix the grammar (I did not find any spelling stuff) and the flow - but you will probably want to change it some more. It's more than a paragraph now.



What Could Be Done To Persuade Children Not To Begin Smoking?


According to cnn.com, every day more than 40,000 children begin smoking, and illnesses caused by smoking kill more than 567,200 in the U.S. each year.

Although smoking in the short term may reduce stress or help people lose weight, it is also the world’s most lethal epidemic and the cause for many physical and mental disorders.

Children are attracted to smoking for a number of reasons. Some of these are: looking cool, acting older, losing weight, presenting tough image, or feeling sexy and independent. Children should be educated, however, and made aware how dangerous smoking is for their health.

After someone has started smoking, it is difficult for them to stop; smoking is a hard habit to stop because it will make the body crave smoking. After a child has started, he will be dependent on smoking, because after a while a person needs to have it just to feel normal.

It is believed that parents and friends have the most impact on children in preventing them from smoking. For example, children whose parents smoke are more likely to begin smoking between ages 15 to 20. Therefore, parents have a very important role in this tragedy, so they should know how to behave and talk to their children in order to prevent them from getting started. Parents have the responsibility to educate and should teach their children how to select proper friends.

Answer 7

Your spelling is ok but you need to break up the whole paragraph into smaller ones. Please revise the first sentence into something like this:

"Each day more than 40,000 children start smoking and respiratory diseases caused by smoking kill more than 567,000 people each year. "

and please replace "like to be attracted" with "are attracted" in the second sentence.

I leave the rest of the revisions to you. Hope this helps.

Answer 8

you really should just rewrite the whole thing, and use internet grammar guides to help you. good luck!

Answer 9

REVISED:

According to CNN.com, everyday more than 40,000 children begin smoking and illnesses caused by smoking kill more than 567,200 in the United States each year. Children are attracted to smoking for many reasons. They want to look cool, act older than they are, lose weight, present a tough image, or feel sexy and independent. It is for these reasons that they should be educated and made aware at a young age just how dangerous smoking is for their health.

Firstly, children whose parents smoke are more likely to begin smoking between the ages of 15 and 20. Therefore, it is of utmost importance that smoking parents behave in an exemplary manner and talk to their children about the dangers of smoking. By addressing the dangers of their smoking habit, these parents can prevent their children from ever starting the habit that often leads to tragedy.

Secondly, at the age that children first begin smoking, it is often difficult to kick the habit. Quitting smoking is hard for any person, not just children, because the nicotine contained in the cigarettes is addictive. The smoking adult or child becomes dependent on the cigarettes because the body craves for the nicotine. When this addiction to nicotine occurs, the habitual smoker always has a wanting for a cigarette just to feel normal.

From what is known to this day about the effects of smoking, it is believed that parents and friends have the most influence as far as preventing children from ever smoking. Parents have the sole responsibility to educate their children about the dangers of smoking as well as teach their children about how to select proper friends. Although smoking in the short term may reduce stress or result in weight loss, smoking is undoubtedly the world's most lethal epidemic and the root cause of many physical and mental disorders.