What about the caregiver/partner?

Question

I married a quadriplegic because I loved him. He married me because I was young, strong, & able to take care of him. I didn't get that for a long time. If he had ever really loved me, we would still be married. But, he lied to me. I divorced him so I could find the love I deserved. Despite the fact that I wasn't the one who lied, I was considered the (bad guy). Because I was what was then called able-bodied, & I left him, I was wrong. Our other disabled friends wouldn't talk to me. Bigotry doesn't have to be related to color to be wrong. Why doesn't the caregiver have the same rights to love, happiness, & respect?

Answer 1

Debbie, I am so impressed with you. Most women wouldn't have had the nerve to leave a loveless marriage, where you were totally manipulated. They would be too wracked with guilt & worried about what other people will think. So they would stay, trapped forever. You made the brave choice to move on, in spite of what you are going through now.

The caregiver most certainly has the same rights to love, happiness & respect.

You're right about bigotry, too. And don't forget "Double Standards." I'm married, and some years ago I became disabled due to illness. At first I was on crutches, then I was in a motorized wheelchair. For the past 3 years I have been bedridden, and for the last 2, my husband has been my caregiver.

We love each other, but do you know what people say to him????? ——"Why do you stay with her? Why don't you leave her?" So, if a man is a caregiver, then everyone is understanding if he deserts her. I belong to a site with others who have my illness, and I know several women whose husbands took off rather than take care of their wives.

You were right (and brave) to leave your husband who lied to you & didn't love you. And my husband is right to stay with me, in a relationship where we both love each other. And everybody else should just mind their own business & keep their mouths shut..

If my husband tells someone he loves me & would never leave me, then that person should be glad for him. If you tell someone how you were deceived & decided to leave, that person should be glad for you.

You should probably still go to a caregivers support group, because you are obviously still dealing with issues. My husband went to a support group once, for a while; but it wasn't the right one for him.

Isn't it amazing how full of opinions people are when they know nothing about your personal situation!!! Someone once said something to me that I found to be very insightful. He said, "it doesn't matter if I convince them that I'm right; it's enough that I know I'm right."

You know you're right, Debbie. It may mean you lose a few "friends," and that is sad. But you will make new friends, move on & have your own life, probably meet someone who will love you for who you are.

I am one disabled person who respects you for what you did. It's not easy taking care of someone 24/7. I made sure I read all my husband's books on caregiving; I wanted to understand his side of the equation. Now that I've gotten much sicker, people are starting to make comments if he goes out for a 2-hour break, critical comments to me about his leaving me alone. I will NOT let them criticize him. I tell them what is what. My husband's health, physical and emotional, are just as important as mine.

We have grown closer through our situation and look after each other & do for each other, in whatever ways we can. And we won't let other people's ideas, opinions, remarks get to us. We support each other; & we each have people to support us separately.

You deserve the support you need, for what you have lived through, for how you were treated in your marriage and now, by people who were supposed to be friends. I hope you find the comfort & support & respect you deserve.

The best of luck to you.

Answer 2

I'm sorry to hear that you are going through this...it's got to be tough. In time though...I think those friends will eventually see the real side of your story, who knows what he's telling them now ...because he's probably pretty mad that you didn't stay around and continue to take "it". You do deserve happiness in life and full respect from your partner. I think, too many times in life...we hear horror stories of "disabled" people being abused, taken advantage of , robbed, raped and hurt in many other ways....its a natural reaction to assume the disabled person is the victim. I have a very good friend who was almost in the same position as you are in only it was a really traumatic situation. He was on heavy medications and very depressed. Angry all the time and started changing dramatically. In the end , after she left for safety reasons...he burned their house down with all their possessions....sold their land for more street drugs and ended up in a home because he was too unstable to live alone any longer. Three homes later...(due to being evicted because of continued drug use and violence) he finally decided he was ready for intervention and help. They are both doing really well now but it sure was a long haul. She went through hell and really found out quick who her real friends were. All I can say is hang in there....hold your head up as you know you did everything you could to make the marriage work but as you said...if there's no real love and there were so many lies...the marriage was based on nothing. You deserve a happy marriage with love and respect... I hope you find that. Give yourself time to heal and move on.

Answer 3

That's the way of the world, Debbie. Nobody ever said it was fair. You are being ostracised because you left a disabled person. End of thought. You, as a person, did not count for anything after that. Strange, isn't it. If you had been the disabled one, the reactions would have been totally different.
I think your only choice is to go away from that environment entirely, so that you have a chance to regain a bit of self respect, and maybe a Life. My good wishes go with you.
Blessed Be.

Answer 4

oh my dear it so hard to be a caregiver i hope you go to a group for caregivers even if you are no longer if that situation anytime we quit doing things for people it seems a lot of times we get the bad person rub off but as long as you know in your hear hold your head high and just hope that person as well as you find the happiness you deserve i am a care giver i understand not married to a man but in several caregiver places and i a lot of times end up being hurt and the bad guy i was also betrayed and i lost friends when they new i was not the be tray er but i know in my heart what i have to answer for and it not for not caring for people and trying to love and take care of them to the best of our ability and as long as you are doing whats right you have nothing to answer for and those who are casting harsh words are stones must have some guilty feelings of their own and in the end we all have to answer for what we do no one else i hope in some small way this makes you feel better take care we do the best we can as caregivers sometimes with abuse and harsh judgment against us never judge a man or woman till you are their in their shoes remember that my dear yf little pumpkin Debbie c Dalton GA

Answer 5

Your end statement says it all, I am a caregiver for my Mom. She has medical problems and now mental problems are here, She is never happy, forget full, and now talking naughty to me, her only daughter & caregiver. I have a dr. appt. for her to find out what is wrong, but in the meantime I end up unhappy, am short with my fiance' and it is tiering me out big time.
I love her dearly but am I not entitled to respect, same love in return, and to be happy even tho she is not??
Caregiving is a very hard job and if he really didnt love you that is so wrong!
By all means honey move on, you do deserve happiness and real love, good luck!

Answer 6

I really don't know what you're going through, but i know it must be tough. You do deserve someone happy, and if your friends arent talking to you, then maybe you can find some other friends, i know making new friends is real hard. Explain to them, that he only married you for a personal caretaker. Some people wont understand, they'll just be quick to judge, so there is nothing u can really do. But you deserve to be happy.

Answer 7

you deserve love an respect from no matter who they are disabled or quadriplegic or friends or family. if his friends are talking bad about you or just wont talk to you like one other person suggested you can make new friends

Answer 8

Just my 2 cents... I think that he really does love you. It seems that he has made sacrifices to help you cope with your cancer and to do as much for you as he can. If you are unable to sexually satisfy him, why not allow him to do this. As long as there is no emotional attachment between the two of them, I see no harm in it. You are better off that he is "playing" with a married woman. Then at least you don't have to worry as much about him leaving you. Remember, that his attraction to her is only physical. The attraction to you is love and emotions. At least if you allow him to do it in the privacy of his own home, you do not have to deal with the humiliation of him running around in public.