On the spot poetry...please tell me what you think?

Question

I loved him from the start
I new we would never part

My very first love
as beautiful as a dove

He has my heart
his is like a work of art

He is gorgeous in every way
I love this man every day.

Answer 1

wow, i really like this one, reminds me of a love i have or had for a man, just wonderful,, he made my day and life and it was just a wonderful reminder, thanks so much for that,

and how ever your in love he most be very proud of you and loves you very much to know he has someone that loves him as you do... keep up the good work......

take care :)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Answer 2

I'm sure you meant every line. Here's the problem with short lined couplets:

my dog is neat
don't wipe his feet
His nose is cold
he's very old

Do you see how that sounds? Even if my expressions were philosophical, it would sound trite, shallow, because the lines don't do justice to the concept...watch:

If god is great
what is my fate
if god is small
why worry at all

nope, no good.

So, if you had said...

"I loved this dear man right from the very start"
knowing deep down inside that we'd never part"

you might have pulled off the first pair of lines, but:

I loved him from the start
I new we would never part

Do you hear how different that sounds? So, it's not that what you said was trite, it was "how" you said it that made it "sound" trite.

The next pair you committed a cardinal sin of poetry: rhyming "love" and "dove"...it works on only very, very rare occasions, and even then, not very well. About the only time you can get away with it is when you cite someone calling their love their "turtle dove" or their "darling dove" as in a quote by an older person. Otherwise...you will get shot down every time.

So, if you want to keep your descriptions the way they are, at least try to lengthen the lines so the rhymed words are farther apart; remember what they sound like when they're too close together. This is why the old poets started using different rhyme schemes; they wanted to delay the rhyming words to make their verses sound less sing-song and rhymy. For example, just take your last four lines and shift their order...watch:

He has my heart
He is gorgeous in every way
His is like a work of art
I love this man every day

The beat/meter is off, but can you hear how the rhymed lines sound less "rhymy"? This is called "perfect rhyme" (although it isn't always the perfect rhyme) and it is often shown as "ABAB", meaning the first and third lines rhyme, and the second and fourth lines rhyme.

So, play with your poem, lengthen the lines, even out the meter/beats, and try staggering the rhymed lines and see how it comes out...I'll bet you'll be much happier with the end product.

keep writing

Answer 3

awww; that's really sweet.
you must have been in a good mood when you made this.
:]