I'm trying to be objective!!!!?

Question

I wonder sometimes when people put questions here whether somehow they word the question to get the answer they want. I really want and need objective perspectives and ideas about what is going on with me. Here goes...

I have been married for 13 years. Our marriage has been fairly typical I guess, ups and downs, problems and joys. My hubby is kind, helpful, good with the kids....but he has proven himself to be a liar, setting up secret bank accounts and email accounts and lying point blank o my face as though I was an idiot when I found him looking at various things on the internet. When we have sex, it gets results lets say, but I always have to instigate it and it isn't especially exciting and I feel like I have to tell him what to do EVERY time which after 13 years is starting to bug me. I'm at a point where I don't even care what he is looking at on the internet or who he is chatting with, but why lie to me about it like a little kid...I know he does it. For a long time o

on the computer and so recently, so have I. I have become friendly with a male colleague who I have emailing really for years just sending jokes and stuff. I do have a crush on him and fantasize about him, but I would never consider doing anything even though I have been inappropriate at times in emails. (I also work with his wife and sister and I do have some semblance of decorum, I think I behave professionally in the work place) I feel lonely and now the guy I'm crushing on has backed off (understandably) and I feel guilty and worse. I'm sick of my partner lying to me but I want / crave love and affection and tenderness and I feel like I'm going mad.

Incidently, my husband knows about my friend and is able to read all correspondence with him. I don't hid anything and will often share the jokes and comments that are emailed to me.

Answer 1

I find it curious that you refer to your "husband" as your "partner" in your additional comments...
After you get all of your answers here, print out the whole thing including answers, tell him "we really need to talk" and when he asks about what, hand him the print-out. Time for both of you to totally come clean with each other and figure out what to do. You have both been lying - him about his activities and you by keeping silent and resenting him.

Answer 2

IF the tables were turned and it was you who was being asked the question, "What are you talking about with that guy? What are your feelings for that guy?" I'd venture to say that YOU would be the one lying as well.
So, with that said I'd guess that the lies from him are due to his acknowledging that he's doing something you would not approve of.
Perhaps he's just as dismayed by the relationship he has with you as you are with the relationship you have with him. Seriously consider whether you want to make this work between the two of you. If so, then you'll need to have a serious talk with him and advise him of just how you've been feeling, .. neglected, hungry for attention, etc...
Before you have this conversation, think long and hard about the solution to the problem. Would a weekend away (just the two of you) to some vacation spot or cruise ship rekindle the flames that were once there long ago? Once you've figured out what YOU believe may work, suggest that to him.
Go from there. He will either be excited about the prospect or cold all together.
You'll know, by the end of your conversation, if this relationship is in serious trouble or if it's repairable.
If it's in serious trouble... do yourself a favor and get out of it totally before opening yourself for another relationship.

Answer 3

Generally when a guy doesnt tell his wife about something its either he is ashamed of it or he thinks the wife will get verry angry. Instaid of beating around the bush why not try and understand it more. Its amasing that your still having sex after 13 years (at least from what i hear).

Create an enviroment where he could feel comfortable coming forward about what turns him on, with no anger or judgement from you. It could just be the thril of possibly being caught that does it for him.

If your more open with him he wont feel like he has anything to hide, You clearly seem to be ok with that, so let him know you are too.

Answer 4

I had the same problem, but I only stayed there one year. No man is worth that kind of grief. Get all the evidence you can of his other accounts, get spyware to track his internet use, and keep your cool. Then when you have enough ammo go to the best divorce lawyer you can find and go after him.

Answer 5

If he is setting up secret accounts ,that is a clue that something else is going on .
It is best you end the relationship now Once a liar ALWAYS a LIAR.

Answer 6

Find a cyber lover and just have fun on the net. E mail me if you want some help on how to go about doing it. Good luck! Enjoy yourself, life is too short.

Answer 7

you need to sit down and be honest with him and tell him how you feel, you will end up doing the same things that he is if you don't talk to him. let him know that you can't go on like this and if there is something he needs to tell you, good luck, if that doesn't work, go to counseling

Answer 8

Divorce him and stay away from the other man. go and find yourself . Maybe once you do this you can get the love and be charished as you wish

Answer 9

if he has proven himself to be a liar, are you willing to just continue on for the rest of your life with a liar? that is really what you have to be asking yourself....

Answer 10

you are not better then your husband. you deserve each other i guess.