Critique this poem, be merciless.?

Question

You, Where Does It All Go?
Dig into skin with
stray
cat
claws.
Dog howls at night
to
harmonica
songs.
Candles burn low, all
out
of
matches.
Stare at the sputtering wick
as
it
flashes.

More than a day without sleep and tired
to the bones, but my mind’s caught a streak.
Putting off my drink to empty out my head.
Getting just a bit closer to the tracks
I claim
I tread.

But trying is a *****;
trying
takes
time,
dedication,
regularity,
and best of all,
conviction.

Though, it pleases just the same to talk and dream,
and so I tend to do instead,
educated and fairly well-read,
And lazy (or uninspired),
Heart sedated by a faint desire,
more ego
Than I like to admit. Half a cliché,
Still, half a cliché. Plain to see
What ties me down the most
is me.

Just fix it boy, it’s not so hard.
Sober up and get serious--
FOCUS.
I am only energy in motion--
a white
astral
aura.
The bearded man,
Keeper
of
Souls
and
Enlightenment
has not called on me

I have not shown the proper respect.
Because my spirit is
equally
as
old,
and in this life I can see
only
my
half
of the power and possibility ever-
undulating
through
time.

6/05 Vilcabamba Ecuador, copyrights reserved by poster.

Answer 1

I could go back and look for things to adjust, but honestly it was a nice smooth read. Normally, I get nervous at one word line breaks (not saying I don't do it myself), but everything flowed. It had a real bluesy tone to it. It would work really well in a spoken word format. Nice specific detail and good clear voice. How about I promise to be merciless on your next poem?

Answer 2

OK, first I'd go easy on the rhyming. I'd focus more on making the images more palpable the dog and cat at the beginning are good because they are concrete, but then you get too abstract.Don't use the **** Just write the word. Poetry is about words usually. The bearded man is a cliche. Used too much in relation to wisdom. Concrete examples would be being able to picture someone without sleep. where is he, why didn't he sleep. what does educated mean? School educated? Well-read? Be specific. What happens when the mind catches a streak? Is it like a train, like a comet, like a match falling in the darkness. Show, don't tell. That would be a start.

Answer 3

It was outstanding you its sound like you put your heart and soul on this poem generally it was great

Answer 4

Is wonderful.......